10 Ways to Make Your Divorce as Painless as Possible
Nobody envisions themselves serving their spouse with divorce papers. As painful as it is, most people bounce back from this rocky part of life. You will encounter a few thorns separating from your life partner. This doesn't have to be an all-out war. Follow these tips to make your divorce as painless as possible.
1. Have compassion for your kids
The end of your marriage may seem like a level in Dante’s inferno. Although, you have seen the signs of it coming. Your announcement blindsided your kids. Take time to explain to your kids that your divorce is only between you and your spouse. Reassure them that their parents' bonds with them will never change.
Divorce can be painful for your children, but they will also learn to cope and heal. As a parent, you can ensure this by not putting your little ones in the middle of the war zone. Keep your problems and complaints between you and your spouse. Be civil in front of your kids. When your children feel like they have to pick a side, it forces them to leave a relationship with a parent behind.
Don’t assume your child is coping ok if they don’t speak about it. Sometimes children feel that they can't voice their feelings. It will only make the situation worse. They may not even be able to articulate what they feel. Be proactive and let them know ahead of time if anything will change. Hold space for their feelings and validate them.
Feel confident in your choice to leave your spouse. Children of parents who choose to stay together despite not getting along are much worse off. Your marriage was not healthy. The best decision is to cut it short and start anew. Your children deserve a healthier home to grow up in.
2. Keep your divorce out of the court
Nobody wants to drag out the pain of a divorce. Taking your divorce to trial will increase the time it takes to close this chapter of your life. A judge will divide your assets and assign custody of your kids. Your attorney’s main goal will be to win, not come to a mutually fair agreement. If you have kids, this might negatively impact them.
Usually, in a divorce, one side wants the divorce and the other doesn’t. This makes it harder to come to a collaborative agreement. If you are the spouse that wants the divorce, take time to help your partner understand the benefits of coming together to decide your future. If you were served with divorce papers, take a deep breath. Choose to collaborate with your partner.
A mediated divorce uses a neutral mediator as a third party. The couple comes together to decide how to divide their lives. This avenue is the least expensive option. You can also keep your divorce details private. You don’t have to share everything like a litigated divorce in court. Judges won’t make decisions for your divorce. You can have more control over the division of assets and custody.
Consider a collaborative divorce. It's an option if you and your partner are willing to have an honest, open discussion. Your attorneys will help each of you come to a settlement. These divorces may come with financial planners and therapists. This team will help you to navigate the separation with as little grief as possible.
Each of these options requires you and your partner to reach decisions through discussion and compromise. Except you both can barely sit in the same room together. It’s worth cooling off and coming together this one last time to agree on what the best arrangement is. A judge in a court won’t know how to divide your lives in a way that is supportive for you both. Only you have the answers.
3. Find a great therapist to upkeep your mental health
Divorce doesn’t have to be a lonely path. Consider seeking out a therapist. Post-divorce therapy will help you to work through your own guilt. Therapists can help you examine why your marriage didn’t work and how to grow from it.
Be proactive with your mental health. It’s going to be an uphill battle. Are you unsure about opening up to a complete stranger? The initial sessions are usually just to build rapport. By the time you’re ready to get into the meat of things, you and your therapist will have a trusted bond.
Divorce therapy will help you to be emotionally stable for your kids. Your kids will be dealing with the most amount of change. They may not have known a life without both of their parents. The best gift you can give them is being a healthy, emotionally available parent.
Therapy can save you from engaging in harmful coping methods. Alcoholism, emotional eating, and binge shopping won’t be an option with regular sessions to vent and reflect.
4. Take your time grieving
Nobody wants to feel like they’re the black cloud hanging over everyone. It’s ok. You deserve this time to not feel your best. Chuck your idea of quickly getting over this divorce out the window. Divorce is one of those life changes that will flip your status quo upside down for a while.
It takes at least 18 months to heal from your divorce.
Get comfy with the idea that you will be working through your issues during this time. What makes it difficult is that the person you would normally confide in (your spouse) is gone. It’s also hard to confide in mutual friends you have built through the years. Take your time to go through the 5 stages of grief.
The 5 stages of grief are in a general order, but you may come back to these at any given moment. Grieving is not linear. You will go through the denial of how much your life will change. Or you might be in denial that you are getting a divorce. Anger is the most obvious step.
Bargaining will throw you for a loop. You might find yourself questioning if you could change things to make your marriage work. If depression sets in, embrace your sadness. Reach out to friends and family for support. It is healthy to feel this, but you don’t want to make it permanent.
At some point, you will reach acceptance. Give yourself time to feel and work through these emotions. You will emerge emotionally well adjusted.
5. Reach for a smoothie instead of the bottle
Drinking and sadness seem to go hand in hand. We have all seen that movie trope of the broken-hearted guy or gal drinking away their sorrows. Think again. If you drink heavily, watch your consumption habits after divorce. Divorce is associated with increased heavy drinking.
Divorced people have higher rates of binge drinking and alcohol abuse. You are six to seven times more likely to develop an alcohol use disorder, even if you have never had a history. If your social circle starts to comment on how much you're drinking, listen to the warnings.
Women are especially vulnerable to the mental health effects of high alcohol use. If you’re a woman, drinking too much will stall your healing process. Alcohol stops you from facing your inner emotions. Take some time for the grieving process. The longer you try to run away from it, the longer it will hurt.
It’s important you put the right things into your body now. Most likely you will be on the “divorce diet.” The divorce diet is the term given to the weight loss that many recent divorced spouses experience. This is due to emotional turmoil. It’s hard to eat when your stomach is in knots. Eat healthy to nurture your body as your heart heals.
6. Create a separation narrative
You can present a polished, united front as your first step into the world as two separate people. Or you can seed rumors and fuel judgment by messy mistakes. The pain from this divorce is worse than any breakup you’ve ever had. You’re swimming in unnavigated waters. Handle your divorce announcement in a calculated way. It will save you embarrassment in the near future.
Use social media wisely. Celebrity couple Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum used Instagram to post a mutual divorce announcement. They left out any details and kept it very positive. No blame was placed on either partner. Behind the scenes of this divorce may look completely different. Their clean social media post will never betray the intimate truth.
You have released your statement. Refrain from talking about your divorce or relationship any further on social media. Whatever you write on social media will follow you for years. Employers, coworkers, and your children will see it. Put out positivity. Thoughtful announcements will attract support for you and your family.
7. Redecorate your space
All around you are memories of the life you’re leaving behind. Changing your surroundings can help your mind get ready for the changes to come. Redecorating your space can actually help you to heal. When you make your own independent decisions, this speeds the healing process.
Keep things that bring back comforting memories. For now, instead of throwing out items that remind you of your ex-spouse, put them in a box. You can unbox them at a later time in your healing journey. Then you can reevaluate if you want to give it away.
Don't hesitate to redecorate. You will feel more settled once it's finished. Think of your home as your sanctuary. It will only help you if you feel comfortable and relaxed. You’ll have a sense of stability and security.
If you have to move, get to know your new neighborhood. Community bonds and familiarity help us stay grounded. Recreate this if you are in a new place. Visit local parks and coffee shops. Attend a community theater show. These small interactions will build to make you feel secure and supported.
8. Make a conscious decision to jump back into the sack... or not
A new fling might seem like the most liberating thing you could do now. Finish your divorce first. You will go through many emotions during this time. You will spend your time (and emotional energy) separating your life from your spouse’s. While you are rediscovering your sense of self you will be extremely emotionally vulnerable.
It's much harder to have casual sex when you are on an emotional roller coaster. Jumping into bed with someone else is avoiding the hard healing process. Work on bringing your whole self to a new fling. With your emotional needs high, you might attach more importance to a passing affair. You will know when you are ready when you have worked through your baggage.
Put in the emotional work to prepare yourself for a new beginning, or night, with someone else. Once you regain your healthy sense of self, you won’t settle for the low hanging fruit. Even though you’re newly single, remember you have standards. Don’t be tempted by the slightest flattery. Know what you want.
9. Reconnect with your spirituality
Therapists, friends, and family can provide enormous support. They can’t take the place of your spirituality. If you lost your own religion or spirituality in marriage, rediscover it. This could look like organized religion or simply being outside and observing nature. When we are caught up in the bustle of life, this sometimes falls away.
Divorce ranks second to the death of a child in the most painful life changes. Studies have proven that those who practice spirituality are usually happier. Find a spiritual practice that resonates with you. Start simply. A ten-minute meditation can serve as a stabilizing ritual.
Spiritual practices and beliefs can help you achieve positive mental health. You've always wanted to try another religion. Now is the time to search on your own. You can fill your extra time by trying out some new spiritual practices.
You can emerge from your divorce as a healed, whole person. Divorce can be a door to a new beginning. With these tips, you will discover that divorce isn't as painful as you once imagined. A positive, balanced life awaits you. Which one of these tips resonated with you? If you thought this article was particularly helpful, please share it with someone.
10. Go on a divorce retreat
Sometimes the most healing thing you can do is to get away. Divorce retreats are a great option for taking the time you need to unwind. If you were the main caregiver in your marriage, this is something you don’t want to skip. Sometimes the most painful part of a divorce is trying to start a new life when you don’t have time to heal from your old one.
Divorce retreats bring you together with people who are going through similar experiences. You won’t have to put on a happy face or resume your regular life as if nothing happened. These retreats are tailored for relaxation and emotional release. Pamper yourself a bit. Spa treatments will lower your sky-high anxiety about this new chapter.
Try a relaxing yoga retreat. You can reconnect with your body as well as rediscover yourself. Fast track your healing with specialized classes. Get emotionally back on your feet. Some of these retreats offer counseling and energy healing.
