How to Text Your Ex Without Looking Desperate: 8 Key Tips
When you are the one ending a romantic relationship, staying in contact with your ex can be easier since you are not on the receiving end of the breakup. The same can be said if the relationship ended on good terms. Unfortunately, it is typical for emotions to run high and at least one of the partners to feel hurt, betrayed, sad, or depressed after a breakup.
Communications with your ex are not typically established on day zero of the breakup. You both need time to process how you are feeling about the relationship and calm down before you can start talking to each other again. You should only start talking again if that is what you both want.
If you are looking to get back in touch with your ex after a breakup, we’ve got 8 key tips to make sure you can text your ex without looking desperate.
Tip #1: Give Them Space
The very first thing you must do post-breakup is to give the other person some space. Do not continue to text or call after the breakup conversation. Don’t stop by the deli they have lunch at, even if it is on your way to the office.
You should wait at least one week before trying to talk to your ex again. A good rule of thumb is to never text more than twice, otherwise, you will come off as desperate and clingy.
Your ex could tell you not to contact them. You should honor their wishes and stop contact. Harassment and stalking are illegal. Unwanted communications can land you in hot water with the authorities.
You should also avoid texting across many platforms. If your ex does not answer your message on Instagram, don’t turn around and send them a Tweet, followed by a text message, later that day.
If you’ve sent too many text messages and find yourself wanting to send more, check out ways you can stop texting your ex altogether.
Tip #2: Don't Text When Emotional
Wait until the breakup no longer feels like a fresh wound before re-establishing contact with your ex. When we are hurting and feeling emotional we are less likely to be calm, cool, and collected if the interaction doesn’t go the way we want.
Drinking alcohol is a major emotional trigger for many folks. If you’ve ever drunk texted an ex, you’ve probably felt embarrassed about it the next day and regretted your actions. Drunk texting can end up being more than just a mistake. You cannot take back words once you have put them into the universe, so make sure to avoid texting your ex when drunk.
You’ll also want to keep the conversation casual and avoid pouring your heart out via text. Your ex doesn’t want to have a heart-to-heart with you over text. Those conversations are always better to have in-person when both parties are ready.
You and your ex might also be in different mental places, especially if it’s only a few weeks since the demise. Be mindful of those differences. Recognize that you might also feel different than you do at this moment after a week or a year has passed. Focus on being mature, taking the high road, and managing your emotions and you’ll come out looking, and feeling, strong and stable.
Tip #3: Skip the Small Talk
Chances are, your ex is not going to want to answer text messages from you about how their day is going. They don't want to discuss the weather or what they ate for dinner. Only text when you have something legitimate to discuss or a specific question only your ex can answer.
You should also take care to keep the conversation with your ex short and to the point. The longer you drag out the conversation, the more desperate you seem for their attention. Skipping small talk is always the best way to go when talking to your ex after the relationship is over.
A few good reasons to start a conversation with your ex right after a breakup include:
- If you want to express concern or condolences when a close family member who you knew, or a mutual friend or colleague is ill or has passed away.
- You need to return something that belongs to your ex
- You need to make plans about what to do with joint accounts such as phone plans, Spotify, or others
Texting your ex to say Happy Birthday, congratulations, or ask them a question does not mean they will respond. They may not acknowledge the sentiment in any way. If you don’t get the reaction you are looking for, let it go and try to move on. Avoid dwelling on the past or letting the negativity drive you to be over-emotional. You'll only seem more desperate.
Tip #4: Don't Dwell on the Past
Avoid talking about the breakup or past conflict, especially if your ex has made it clear that they won’t change their minds or want to move forward. Dwelling on the past can make it look like you cannot move on and are clinging to the relationship, despite the other person’s needs or wants.
You should also avoid rehashing old arguments, no matter how much closure you want, or your need to express your hurt or anger. Bringing conflict into the conversation after a breakup will only solidify the decision to end the relationship for your ex.
Try these tips for moving on from the past if you find yourself dwelling there:
- Hash out if there was a lesson to learn
- Separate emotions from facts
- Express yourself through writing, venting to a close friend, or in another therapeutic way. NOT with the person connected to your emotions
- Do not point fingers or assign blame
- Don’t play the victim
- Focus on the present
- Forgive yourself and others
- Make new connections
- Focus on the people in your support system
- Spend time disconnecting and clearing your head
There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help after a breakup. If you feel unable to move on, accept the reality of the situation, or find yourself acting in ways that are not in character, you might need to seek therapy. Talk with a professional before trying to communicate with your ex and get help moving on.
Tip #5: Never Beg
Don't beg your ex to talk to you, respond to your messages, or get back together. Begging someone to communicate with you is the number one thing you can do that will make you look desperate. Follow the rules about giving them space and if they don’t text back, it is time to move on.
Instead of begging, focus on yourself and your own personal needs for self-care. You might have a difficult time moving on from the relationship. That is okay. Understand that the stages of grief are valid.
Getting through the grieving process won't happen overnight. Continue to put your energy towards healing and don't beg your ex to take you back or talk to you. Focusing on yourself will help you grow and evolve.
Turn your attention to yourself, and the need to work on your self-esteem if you want to beg for attention from an ex. Loving and being happy with yourself will help you realize your self-worth. You will realize people you must beg for attention are not worth your attention in the first place.
Tip #6: Don't Text Their Friends
If your ex isn't responding, do not text their friends asking questions or nosing around. Your ex’s friends will feel awkward and weird about the situation. They could end up avoiding you or feeling conflict with you. Loyal friends of your ex might even get angry or upset with you for asking about your ex. They will feel like you are trying to get information out of them.
You should also avoid going to your ex's friends for advice or information. Trying to get advice about your ex from their friends always looks desperate, and will get back to your ex. Chances are, your ex doesn’t want you to talk to their friends at all, especially if they were not mutual friends. Bringing their friends into the situation will always be dangerous ground for you. What your ex’s friends think about you influences your ex on communicating with you again. Tread lightly.
Mutual friends are perfectly fine to keep hanging out with, supporting, having meals together, etc... Try to avoid the whole ex conversation.
When you keep mutual friends with your ex, there is a chance that you both might end up at the same event. This can be awkward if you have not established contact post-breakup. Do your best to remain cordial throughout the event for the sake of your friends. A big blow-up confrontation is the last thing your friends will want to see.
Tip #7: Don't Comment On Their Social Media
Commenting on your ex's social media or bringing up their posts will only make you look like a stalker. That means no commenting, liking, sharing, retweeting, or interacting with their social media. Block or unfollow your ex until your emotions are more neutral. Consider taking a break from social media completely. You might need to deactivate your own accounts while you unplug, heal, and reset.
If you want your ex to talk to you, or you want to try to get them back, the best thing you can do is move on with your life. Live fully, and leave them in the dust. If they see how unfazed you are with the breakup and living your best life, they might feel tempted to be part of that life once again. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Tip #8: Mind Your Business
Avoid asking questions when the answers might cause you distress. Don't ask your ex to tell you if they have started dating someone, have been going out a lot, or have new sexual partners. Never ask for new partners' names, how they met, or any personal information. Asking too many questions, especially about things that aren’t your business always looks desperate.
Any other questions or topics that could cause an emotional reaction are also best to avoid. You want to show your ex that you are capable of being friends or acquaintances and have moved on with your life. Getting too emotional will turn them off and make it less likely for them to continue contact or establish a friendship post-relationship.
Conclusion
Breakups are always hard and they never get any easier. Love can be messy, and though the saying is, “all is fair in love,” there are sure-fire ways to end a connection with your ex before you are able to ever establish one.
Healthy boundaries are good for people. Boundaries are necessary when communicating with past lovers or romantic partners. Looking desperate, lonely, stuck on, or clingy is an easy pattern to fall into when your emotions are guiding your actions. These tips will help establish non-toxic communication and get you started on the right track.
