In Love + Lost Attraction: Get Your Spice Back
If you’re feeling distant in love, not all hope is lost. Check our tips and tricks to bring back the flavor you’re missing.
As you begin to lose attraction for your partner, relationship tension builds. Are you considering breaking it off?
Feeling that a breakup is on the horizon is frightening and can cause anxiety and worry. There is no timestamp on relationships or a set point where feelings begin to dissipate. No couple is immune to losing that spark that keeps attraction alive.
Cease panic! Lost attraction is more common than you’d think. Although it may seem like all hope is lost- good news, it isn’t! There are a few ways to regain that fire, let’s spark it up!
Different Types of Attraction
Physical attraction is the first thing that comes to mind when people think of attraction. This attraction style operates solely on looks and sexual desire. It’s what catches the eye originally, but not the only attraction style that matters.
There are three main types of attraction:
- Physical
- Emotional
- Intellectual
Emotional attraction is being attracted to someone’s personality and their heart. It’s deeper than physical attraction. Emotional attraction keeps relationships healthy, strong, and long-lasting. This type of attraction is the feeling most often equated with love.
Intellectual attraction is being attracted to someone’s intellect, or their mind. People can feel intellectual attraction to their mentors, bosses, coworkers, teachers, and peers. This style creates the desire to have in-depth conversations. You may want to pick their brain about stimulating or interesting topics.
A fully functioning relationship has all three.
Why Do People Lose Attraction?
Feelings come and go, and there’s no set indicator why some attraction dissolves. You may hold intellectual attraction for our partner, but seem to be lacking in the physical sense, why?
Some of the most common reasons for losing attraction include:
Holding Onto Negative Feelings
Grudges are energy-suckers. Not being open about your feelings can lead to resentment, frustration and anger. When you start to feel negative emotions for your partner, the positive emotions can become obsolete. You can start losing all three types of attraction when feelings start to change.
Breakdown in Communication
Emotional and intellectual attraction requires being able to communicate with each other. Having stimulating conversations and open discussion is important for having a deep connection. When attraction is purely physical, the romance is unlikely to last.
Emotional Disconnect with Your Partner
Feeling an emotional disconnect from your partner can lead to a loss of physical and intellectual attraction. When you no longer care about what your partner wants, or what they are thinking or feeling, the relationship can feel doomed.
Do you feel the issues arise from communication styles? Is your partner not showing love in the way you receive it?
Change in Physical Appearance
While body shaming is never condoned, a change in physical appearance can lead to a loss in attraction. Weight gain or loss, body modifications, or a new style can lead to a change in physical attraction.
Loss of Individual Identity
When you and your partner do so much together you can seem like extensions of each other rather than your own individual people. Partners are more attracted to each other when they are living as their authentic selves.
What are some of your favorite hobbies? What are some enjoyable pastimes you and your partner could share that don’t intrude on your personal space?
Lack of Intimacy in Relationship
Being intimate is not only about having sex. Intimacy refers to personal closeness in a relationship. True intimacy builds over time between people who are in love and includes physical and emotional connection.
Personal Insecurities
Couples can start to lose attraction when personal insecurities get in the way. If you are feeling insecure it will be hard for you to feel attraction to your partner because of preoccupation with how you feel about yourself.
Remember, speak to yourself like you’d speak to a dear friend. Your happiness controls the output of happiness you share.
Can Love be Asexual?
Sex is a big part of physical attraction and intimacy, but for some couples, the physical side of the relationship is the least important part. Some couples don’t have sex at all.
People who do not feel sexual attraction are asexual; but, asexuality is a spectrum. People who identify as asexual may feel sexual attraction only after meeting certain conditions. Feeling a deep emotional or intellectual connection is usually necessary for asexual people.
Being asexual is a sexual identity and is different from feeling a loss of attraction. Asexual people do not feel sexual attraction for anyone.
People who are asexual are capable of being in love. They can feel other types of attraction including emotional and intellectual. When they experience physical attraction, they’ll want to cuddle, hold hands, hugs, kiss, or hold each other without being sexual.
How to Become Attracted to Your Partner Again
Therapists encounter this problem quite often, so have no fear. If you feel lost on the root of the problem, reach out for a second opinion. If you’re feeling confident that you know the trigger, here’s some helpful tips!
Love Yourself First
As the confident and powerful RuPaul once said, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell do you expect someone to love you?”
The man has a point.
Loving yourself helps you to become confident, self-assured, and more capable of loving someone else. It allows you to feel bold in expressing your needs, and allow love into your life.
Some ways to fall back in love with yourself include:
- Practicing positive affirmations to change your self-talk
- Focusing on self-care
- Strengthening your support system (Studies show you are the top 5 people you spend time with, so choose wisely!)
- Following your individual passions and dreams
- Pushing yourself to try new things
- Moving your body
There are many ways to fall in love with yourself and you can find whatever works best for you. Love pours over. Loving yourself can help spark that flame with your partner.
Focus on One Type of Attraction at a Time
It’s extremely vital to step back and take a bite at a time. When problems add up, it’s impossible to look at any resolution logically. Focus on one piece of the puzzle, and work your way through it slowly.
Missing a mental connection? Couples can learn how to cultivate intellectual compatibility. Make time to have dinner or breakfast/coffee together and ask your partner questions about their day. Ask about how work is going, or what they thought about the latest news headline. Go to a bookstore and talk about what books interest you. Read an article from a magazine together before bed and talk about what you each got out of the content. The list goes on!
Emotional intimacy is the foundation of long relationships. When you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner the relationship can easily unravel.
Partners need to feel comfortable sharing thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, goals, and fears to have a sense of security.
To help build emotional intimacy:
- Learn to be vulnerable
- Practice open communication
- Be honest
- Compliment each other
- Do something fun and exciting together
If physical attraction is diminished, get talking! Tell your partner what works for you sexually and what doesn’t. It can take some time to build comfort on such topics, so here’s a cheat sheet of questions to get you started.
Focusing on affectionate touch without sex is also important. Hugging, kissing, rubbing backs or shoulders throughout the day can increase physical attraction. If your love language is physical touch, this aspect is vital.
Communicate Openly and Honestly with Your Partner
Every type of attraction requires open and honest communication to work out what is going wrong. This task requires vulnerability, confidence, and trust.
When a breakdown in communication happens, you’ll need to work on some things. Therapists can help with starting open communication.
Constructive communicating is all about listening as well as responding. One of the most important components of having good communication is by learning to be an active listener.
Try Marriage or Couples Counseling
Marriage or couple’s counseling can be a scary thing for some couples. Putting your problems out in the open can cause worry and anxiety, especially in relationships that are already on shaky ground.
A great marriage counselor that can help:
- Moderate the difficult conversations,
- Facilitate a safe space for open communication
- Find the root of the issues
Working with a marriage counselor can salvage your relationship and help you learn more about yourself and your partner. It is important to realize that counseling does not guarantee your relationship will thrive. Yet, if couples can find a therapist they both love and are comfortable with, getting back on track can be easier.
Going to couples therapy can also be a great motivator for both partners. Therapy is a kick in the butt to start doing the work needed for a relationship uphauling.
Not All Hope is Lost
Sometimes feeling unattracted to your partner can be temporary, such as after an argument. When you are only feeling disconnected because of a situational issue, the relationship may not be as doomed as you think.
You have so many tips at our disposal, new questions to ask, conversations to try. Do you remember that first date? What’d you like about it?
You can find attraction to your partner once again, whether it be with a therapist, yourself, or together as one. When you love someone, you will be willing to do the work needed to keep the passion alive and reignite anything lost.
The spark is yours for the taking, light the match!
