5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Thinking About Breaking Up With Your Partner, According To Experts
Thinking about breaking up with your partner can be scary especially if you have been with them for a long time. Doubts happen in every relationship, but it can be difficult to distinguish between normal uncertainty and a sign that it’s time to end things. Before making a decision, consider these five questions.
1. What Else is Happening in Your Life Right Now?
Ending a relationship can seem like the best option when you are no longer happy with your partner. Before jumping ship, consider what else in your life may be playing into the dissatisfaction you feel in your relationship.
If you’ve recently gone through a major life event, such as losing your job or the passing of a loved one, it may be impacting your relationship. Research shows that high stress often leads to a “stress spillover” effect: when stressful events demand our attention and make it difficult to separate outside stress from relationship quality. Stress spillover causes people to feel less relationship satisfaction than usual.
Consider the context of these nagging doubts about your relationship. If they sneak up on you after you’ve had a hard day, the day may be coloring the way you see your relationship. However if they have been present even during peaceful periods of your life, you may need to give them more thought.
Outside stress can increase behaviors in your relationship that make you feel unhappy with your partner. If you feel snappy or short-tempered with your partner even when they haven’t done much to deserve it, reflect on what is really bringing those feelings to the table.
2. Is This Relationship Meeting Your Needs?
If doubts are creeping into your relationship, it might be time to check if this relationship is giving you what you need. Five common relationship needs include:
Intimacy Needs
In a relationship, we need a partner who we feel comfortable expressing our feelings with and confiding in. We need someone who we can talk to honestly without judgment.
Companionship Needs
Whether it be a fancy outing or at-home date night, we need a partner who we can spend time with. Shared activity is a cornerstone of a solid relationship.
Sexual Needs
We need a partner who we can be physically close to. Whether it be hand-holding, hugging, or more intimate closeness, physical touch is an important part of a romantic relationship.
Security Needs
Our partners should make us feel like we can depend on them and the relationship for security. We need a relationship that feels stable rather than on the rocks all the time.
Emotional Involvement Needs
We need to feel like our feelings for our partner match their feelings for us. Our partner should feel emotionally invested in the relationship.
If you feel like any of these needs aren’t met, you might want to have a conversation with your partner about it. Pay attention to the way your partner responds. Do they get defensive or dismiss your words? Or do they take them to heart and make changes to ensure those needs are met going forward?
3. Are There Any Red Flags?
The beginning of a relationship can make you feel like you are on top of the world. Falling in love often blinds us to warning signs that could predict future problems. Common relationship red flags to look out for are:
Degrading Comments About Gender
Gender degradation may look like your partner making you feel you are less worthy of praise for your accomplishments because of your gender. They may also speak about other women as though they were objects.
Personal Put-Downs
If your partner comments on your looks or personality in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself, they are displaying the red flag of personal put-downs. These comments often happen in private during times when you aren’t arguing.
Public Humiliation
Public humiliation happens when your partner embarrasses you in front of friends or strangers. If you get upset about these comments, they may tell you that you are being too sensitive.
Verbal Aggression
Verbal aggression often shows up as name-calling during arguments or saying things they know will hurt you.
Jealousy/Possessiveness
Jealous or possessive partners may frequently check up on you or be uncomfortable with you having friends of the opposite sex.
Social Restriction
Social restriction happens when your partner attempts to control where you go or who you see. This may make you feel like you need to ask permission to go places without your partner.
Exit-Control Tactics
Exit-control tactics happen when a partner uses threats to prevent you from leaving. This may look like your partner threatening to hurt themselves if you leave them or saying things like “no one else will love you”.
4. Does Your Partner Make You Happy?
The start of a relationship can be one of the most exciting times of your life, but what happens once that honeymoon period comes to an end? Researchers refer to this as “hedonic adaptation”, a decline in happiness after an intense event followed by a gradual return to baseline. Your normal level of happiness can often pale in comparison to the intoxicating beginning of a relationship. This may make you wonder whether this person is right for you.
Even after the honeymoon period is long gone, it’s natural for your relationship to go through ebbs and flows of happiness. It’s important to reflect on the overall tone of your relationship through the time you’ve been together. If you easily bring to mind the good times you’ve had together, this may just be a rough patch. But if the doubts you’ve been feeling have been present for a long time now, considering a separation might be a good idea.
5. Will You Be Content in this Relationship if Nothing Changes?
After you’ve invested months or years in a relationship, it’s easy to fall into the trap of hoping your partner will one day magically become the person you want them to be. If this sounds familiar, consider the alternative. Would you be okay with your relationship being exactly the same one year from now?
Research shows that change is not linear. It’s a one step forward, one step back battle. It’s difficult, it’s slow, and change attempts often fail. If you are committed to making this relationship work, your partner needs to show devotion to changing their ways. Furthermore, you need to have patience in light of how long that change will realistically take and take into account that it may not happen at all.
Deciding whether to end your relationship can be tough. But reflecting on your relationship may be able to give you the insight you need to make that decision with confidence.
