Breakup

Top 5 Worst Reasons to Get a Divorce

If you’ve been married for any length of time, it is likely that the option of divorce has crossed your mind a time or two.

Maybe you’re in a rut. Perhaps you’re bored after years together and are wondering if there is someone out there who is a better fit. Or it could be that something has happened in your relationship that you just can’t get over.

If similar thoughts have crossed your mind, this article is for you.

Disclaimer: If a partner is any of the following, divorce may very well be justified:

Adultery

Abuse

Addiction

In other words, if they are cheating on you, hitting or putting you down, an alcoholic or drug addict, or left you for someone else, this article does not apply to you.

But there are definitely less benign reasons people choose to divorce when that is probably not the best choice to be made.

Read on to consider the top 5 worst reasons to get a divorce.

You’re Bored

Boredom is not a reason to divorce. It is a great reason to kick things up a notch, to find fun and interesting things to do together. If you got bored with your job would you quit the job? Anything in life can become boring when we stop doing things to keep it interesting.

Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer, and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com. Meyer says, “Discuss with your spouse how you are feeling and the two of you come up with a list of things you can do together that will get the marriage out of the rut it and you are experiencing.

Also, just like with happiness, marriage isn't supposed to be one long-lasting party. If you find yourself bored, add some adventure to your life. Take up a new hobby, one you can include your spouse in and take responsibility for shaking things up a bit.”

You Disagree on Finances

Pastor and co-founder of StrongerMarriages.org, Dave Willis, says, “The reason why it’s ‘dumb’ to divorce because of money is that the process of divorce causes more financial devastation than almost anything else (that’s why divorce attorneys are rich and divorced people are broke). It’s important to get on the same page with money, but don’t divorce over it!”

Here are some sobering facts to consider about finances and your future after divorce according to marriagerevolution.org:

Years of alimony and child support for two homes is financially disastrous.
A marriage spent building a “home” and all that is in it quickly washes away as all possessions (monetary and physical) are divided – hopefully equally.
You have to buy two of everything or pack a suitcase every week for your child(ren).
If married for more than 10 years, EVERYTHING is divided 50/50. Regardless of the reason for divorce.
If dad is a non-custodial parent, 25% of income goes to child support. It is NOT tax deductible (IS for the ex-wife), and dad has no “dependents” for tax purposes and is therefore taxed more than when he was married, yet he has less net income.
Strong possibility of losing health care that was once covered in a family plan that no longer covers an individual.
The quality and size of one home as a family often gives way to two smaller, lesser quality homes (possibly apartments or condos) as both parents struggle with less earning power.
Never ending battles over money, unfortunately much of it being the dads who refuse to pay for items he believes should be covered by child support. Never ending court battles to lower child support, making the lawyers, not the families, quite blessed.

You Have Different Parenting Styles

Joshua David Stein is a Contributing Editor for Fatherly.com. He is an accomplished children’s book author (Brick, Can I Eat That?, What’s Cooking), author of To Me, He Was Just Dad, and co-author of Notes from a Young Black Chef.

In Stein’s article, he notes, “Let’s be honest. As long as there are children there will be fighting. But how does one fight fair with a minimal amount of damage to the children and to the relationship?”

Stein goes on to add two important points of consideration.

1.The first comes from Lori Gottlieb, an author, therapist in Los Angeles and columnist for New York magazine’s “What Your Therapist Really Thinks”.

Basically, her advice is to surrender the notion of a united front altogether. Allies need not be identical to have a common cause. “In fact”, says Gottlieb, “it’s better for the kid if there are palpable differences between his or her parents. In general, it’s really good for your kids to see that you are different people.”

“They can get used to different personality styles and understand there are lots of ways to be loved.”

2.The second piece of advice comes from Valerie Tate, a psychotherapist in San Francisco. She couched it more in therapeutic terms but essentially her advice can be boiled down to… “F*ck it, it really doesn’t matter that much.”

Her argument is people need to relax. “Some things are really worth fighting for and some things fall into the category of ‘that’s mom’ and ‘that’s dad,” she says. Naturally, Tate references Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, in which the base level is physiological followed by safety, loving, esteem and, finally, self-actualization.

In a parenting disagreement, she said, “Ask yourself whether this is really a crisis. Is the first line of safety being met? And if it is, what are we really looking at?”

You don’t always have to be on the exact same page with parenting. And if you find you aren’t much of the time, it still doesn’t necessarily mean divorce is the answer.

As the author of this post on marriagetoday.com says, “So, let me get this straight…you don’t parent the same way, but it will somehow work better when you have two different houses, two different sets of rules and expectations, split custody, shared holidays, child support, inconsistent schedules, and a mountain of other post-divorce complications?

Parenting is tough. I get it! But, working through it together as husband and wife is so much easier than navigating it after divorce.”

You’ve Grown Apart

This is a normal occurrence in most marriages. As Meyer points out, “With life and all that comes along with it, I would be surprised if most couples didn’t feel they had grown apart or feel detached from each other at some point. Add children to the mix and who has time to focus on their own needs let alone their spouse’s needs and emotions?”

She adds, “There is a simple solution to this problem: find more time for each other. Juggle schedules, put the children to bed early, or hire a sitter twice a month so you can get out of the house together.

Make some adjustments to your lifestyle that allows you and your spouse time together to reconnect emotionally. Your relationship with each other is more important than the long list of daily activities you’ve put on your must-do list.”

Growing apart is a very vague concept, but this commonly-cited cause of divorce can often be boiled down to two partners who can no longer, or no longer want to, invest in one another as the years go by.

One major study found "growing apart" as the most commonly-cited cause of divorce among couples. "If a couple doesn't nurture the relationship, then it will stagnate, and the partners will grow apart," says David Bennett, certified counselor and relationship expert.

"This shows that in many cases divorce isn't about a particular 'last straw' incident or bad behavior, but simply the relationship fizzles." Predicting things fizzling may be difficult, but it is definitely still worth being aware of as an issue many couples face.

You Can’t Forgive

According to Psychology Today, forgiving can be a lot easier if we keep in mind that everybody makes mistakes. When we stay angry with our partner because of mistakes they’ve made, we find it hard to accept their apologies. We may also find it difficult to maintain positive feelings about them; over time, that will interfere with our ability to enjoy our relationships.

There are numerous benefits for forgiving your spouse and working on your marriage rather than resorting to divorce. Goodtherapy.org points out the following benefits of forgiveness:

Healthy boundaries: When we forgive, we are learning to have healthy boundaries so that we do not say or imply that what was done was OK. Holding a grudge is not the best way to make sure you are not hurt by someone again. Being clear about what you are and are not willing to do going forward is a stronger stance.
Ongoing experience: Forgiveness is an ongoing experience. It doesn’t happen once and then be done. It happens over time, allowing us to acknowledge our feelings and put them in perspective. Feelings such as anger and resentment take time to heal. Forgiveness is part of the healing process and important to our own health and helping to decrease stress in our lives.
Realistic view: When we can recognize other people for who they are and give up on the hope of changing them, this often has the impact of changing our response to them, our expectation of them, and our need to forgive them for being who they are.
Afraid history will repeat itself: We are sometimes frightened that if we forgive someone we will have to go back to being in the relationship in the same way we were before. It is important to remember we need not choose to be a victim nor allow ourselves to participate in something that is intolerable or abusive in order to forgive the actions of another.
Feeling powerless: We are sometimes fearful that we will feel powerless if we forgive a person who is asking for our forgiveness. We may feel powerful when we refuse to offer it to them. Forgiveness is not about power. It is about creating an internal sense of peace.
Continual forgiveness: We need to stay aware of choices we make that may put us in the position where we feel a continual need to forgive. This relates to being clearer about your boundaries of what you are willing to tolerate or expose yourself to.
Cycle of arguing and forgiving: Disagreements and problems may arise that result in arguments and feelings of anger and resentment. We may feel an ongoing cycle of hurt, anger, argument, and forgiveness. It helps to be aware of the ways we engage that are about our expectations and disappointments that lead to anger and then a need for forgiveness.
It isn’t fair: One of the reasons we find it difficult to forgive is because we feel it isn’t fair that the person who has hurt us will not be punished or forced to make amends. Forgiving is not the same as thinking others should not be accountable for their actions. It is about coming to terms with what happened, allowing ourselves to find a calmer place in our hearts in understanding what happened, and letting it become part of our history rather than continually intrude in our lives.
Getting even: Getting even is a short-term experience. Moving on, forgiving, and living the life we want free of anger and stress is its own reward.
Avoid an uncomfortable situation: We can guard against forgiving someone so that an uncomfortable situation can be averted rather than because we truly feel we are ready to let go of our judgment of them. When forgiveness is given for a reason other than feeling ready to forgive, resentment will often emerge instead.
Not the same as forgetting: Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting. We may have an experience which reminds us of what happened. This doesn’t mean we no longer forgive that person. It is often helpful to have these reminders as a way of remembering why we needed to forgive in the first place.
Forgiving yourself: It is as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive another. We can act in ways we regret, sometimes realizing it right after we do something. We are as capable as anyone else of transgressions and to hopefully learn from them. Sometimes, our unwillingness to forgive ourselves results in placing our anger with ourselves on someone else.
Private experience: Forgiveness can be a private experience with ourselves and does not need to be pronounced to the person you are forgiving. Many people have no information about the amount or nature of the ways in which they have been forgiven.
For your own benefit: When we forgive, it is an act for ourselves, for our own benefit, not the person we are forgiving. It is about our relationship with the self, our attitude about others, and our beliefs about what should be rather than what is.

Takeaway

You may be surprised to learn that most unhappy marriages become happy again, if couples can stick it out. While some divorces are necessary, many marriages can be repaired.

It may be difficult to face the issues that you and your spouse are struggling with, but research suggests that couples who can manage to stay together usually end up happier down the road than couples who divorce.

Linda Wilson