10 Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship And It’s Ruining Your Life
We’ve all seen those rom-coms. The ones where we sit wondering how the female lead could fall for someone so hurtful. We watch as the “bad boy” cheats on her and lies to her. And we know it’s only a matter of time before she realises she deserves better.
We may recognise the obvious toxic behaviour in those films. We may even vow to never be foolish enough to fall for men like that in real life. But not all toxic relationships are like the ones in the movies. Sometimes toxic behaviour can be so subtle that we don’t even realise it’s happening.
If you find yourself feeling unhappy and drained a lot of the time, you could be in a toxic relationship. These sorts of relationships wreak havoc on your heart, mind, and body.
Studies have even shown that people in negative relationships are at greater risk of developing heart problems. This is because toxic relationships put you in a state of constant stress.
It's important to recognise the red flags in your relationship. You may find that, without even realising it, the relationship is ruining your life.
Here are 10 major signs your relationship is toxic:
1. You fight all the time
All relationships have their ups and downs. But constantly misunderstanding each other is a red flag. This is according to the psychoanalyst, Dr Sue Kolod. She believes that arguing all the time is a sign of poor communication.
As couples get to know each other, they should get to know how to discuss things with each other. There should be fewer misunderstandings as the relationship progresses. If you find yourself fighting more often as time goes on, this could be a sign of a toxic relationship.
2. You feel undermined
Toxic relationships often feel competitive. Your partner may see your success as something that stops them from succeeding. This may lead to them belittling you and downplaying your achievements.
Dr Lillian Glass is a communication and psychology expert. She defines a toxic relationship as a relationship where people undermine each other. She believes that being undermined shows a lack of respect. Being disrespected may lead to you having less confidence in yourself and your abilities.
3. Your partner is verbally abusive
Verbal abuse is commonly recognised in situations where your partner is being nasty to you. People also often associate verbal abuse with screaming. These behaviours are certainly toxic. But there are many less obvious ways in which you could be being abused.
Your partner could be making jokes at your expense. They could also be shutting you down in front of your family and friends. When you confront them, they may even tell you you’re being oversensitive. They may accuse you of overreacting.
Katie Hood is the CEO of the One Love Foundation. Her organisation aims to prevent abusive relationships by educating people about healthy love. She says that "in unhealthy love, words are used as weapons”.
Being verbally abused may lead to you feeling hurt and insecure.
4. You don't appreciate each other
It’s unhealthy to take your romantic partner for granted. A study done at the University of Georgia tested this theory.
The study’s researchers interviewed a variety of married people. The people who felt appreciated by their spouse reported higher marital quality. Those who didn’t feel appreciated felt less happy in their relationships.
This shows how important a simple “thank you” can be. It’s important for your partner to acknowledge the nice things you do.
If there’s no gratitude in your relationship, you could end up feeling undervalued.
5. You've been distancing yourself from your friends and family
Physiotherapist Matthew Verdun says that unhealthy relationships have certain warning signs. He recommends taking a step back from your relationship. This will help you to see how the relationship is affecting other aspects of your life.
People in toxic relationships often distance themselves from their loved ones. They may even convince themselves that their friendship group has “drifted apart”.
Have you recently cut off contact with your family and friends? It could be because you don’t want to discuss your romantic relationship with them. Deep down, you might know that they will disapprove of the way you’re being treated.
6. Your partner looks down on you
A toxic partner may act like they know everything and that they’re good at everything. You may start to feel like you’ll never measure up to them, and that everything you do is wrong.
Dr Ralph Ryback believes these traits are a sign of narcissism. Narcissism is a personality disorder that causes people to feel superior to others.
A narcissist is often unwilling to compromise. They always want to be in the limelight. This causes them to compete to be the centre of attention. They’ll place themselves on a pedestal to ensure that you don’t have the confidence to outshine them.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist may make you feel unimportant and incompetent.
7. You feel like you're walking on eggshells
People in healthy relationships feel free to share their feelings. They feel confident that their partners will react calmly and maturely. But people in unhealthy relationships are too frightened to share their opinions. This is according to Dr Andrea Bonior.
She says one of the first signs of a toxic relationship is when people are constantly walking on eggshells. This behaviour may arise because people are afraid of their partner’s emotional reactions.
Your partner may have a tendency to explode with rage if they hear something they don’t like. On the other hand, they may shut off and refuse to talk to you. Either way, their reactions are putting you off sharing your feelings.
Bottling up your feelings may be toxic to your whole system. Studies have shown that suppressed emotions may affect your gut. This could lead to you developing ulcers and having trouble with digestion.
8. You don't feel supported
In a healthy relationship, your partner is supportive of your goals. This is according to relationship therapist Jor-El Caraballo.
Caraballo believes that healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see each other succeed.
In a healthy relationship, your partner will want you to find success in all areas of your life. They will not encourage you to place the relationship above everything else.
In a toxic relationship, you may find that you’re scared to try out for that promotion at work. You might also find that you don’t want to share your biggest dreams and desires with your partner. This is because toxic partners feel as if they have to compete with your goals.
9. Your partner is jealous and controlling
Dr Kelly Campbell is an associate professor of psychology at California State University. She believes that a relationship is likely to be toxic if your partner is controlling.
Controlling behaviour can take on many different forms. A controlling partner may want to know where you are at all times. They may get angry or upset if you don’t reply to texts immediately or if you don’t answer your phone. Toxic partners are also prone to going through your phone or computer. They could even end up managing your finances.
All of these behaviours stem from the need to “check-up” on you. This is often because your partner is paranoid that you could be cheating on them. They become jealous even in the most innocent situations, and they struggle to trust you.
Your partner’s control over you could lead to you lacking independence. You may become reliant on your partner. This pushes you even further into the toxic relationship.
10. You're being emotionally manipulated
An emotionally manipulative partner will often try to control you. The control will be so subtle that you may not realise it. This makes it difficult for you to notice when you’re being manipulated.
The Journal of Research in Personality published a study that identified manipulative behaviours.
The study showed that toxic partners will often exploit your kindness and compassion. They do this by looking for sympathy. When you feel sorry for your partner, you’re more likely to overlook their negative traits.
Manipulative partners may also lie to you more often. Their primary goal is getting their way. So, they’re not afraid to tell a few lies to get you to agree with them.
When you’ve been emotionally manipulated, you might find that you regularly excuse your partner’s mistakes. This stops you from standing up for yourself.
The bottom line:
It’s not always obvious when you’re in a toxic relationship. This is because toxic behaviour can begin to feel normal. Over time, you may even start to feel like it’s your fault that things aren’t working out.
While all relationships go through rough patches, toxic relationships make you feel miserable most of the time. They take their toll on your emotional and physical well being. They may even affect the relationships you have with your family and friends.
Identifying the signs that you’re in a toxic relationship may help you to see things more clearly.
Hopefully, it’ll help you remember that you’re the leading lady in your life. And that you deserve to feel supported, loved, appreciated and respected.
What other red flags do you look out for in your relationships? I’d love to know in the comments below.
