6 Interesting Personality Traits That May Predict Divorce
We’re often taught that love is more than surface-level attraction. When we fall in love, we fall for the parts of a person that make them who they are. We become attracted to their unique personalities.
It stands to reason that falling out of love may follow the same pattern. Certain personality traits may impact a person's marriage. They may hinder the person's ability to stay in a loving relationship.
Personality traits are often overlooked in the context of divorce. But it's important to understand the indicators of divorce. Recognising problematic personality traits may help couples to patch up their marriages. On the other hand, it may help couples to accept that their marriages are ending.
Interestingly, the personality traits that could lead to divorce are not as predictable as they may seem. Some of the personality traits can go unnoticed in a relationship. Sometimes, they might even seem like positive traits.
It might surprise you to learn these 6 personality traits that may predict divorce:
1. Being overly neurotic
We all feel anxious or stressed from time to time. But some people experience extreme levels of anxiety known as neuroticism. People with neuroticism may not thrive in their marriages.
Researchers explored this theory in a study published in 2020. The researchers found that couples who were neurotic were unhappy in their marriages.
Neurotic people often experience heightened levels of anxiety, worry and fear. This is according to personality researchers Paul Costa and Robert McCrae. They describe neurotic people as being "prone to having irrational ideas”. This means that the fear or worry they experience often doesn’t have a reasonable cause.
Costa and McCrae also note that neurotic people are more impulsive. They are quick to become irritable and they don't always make rational decisions.
Marriages go through ups and downs. And sometimes couples have to handle difficult situations. A neurotic person will feel the stresses of marriage on an amplified level. This may make it difficult for them to cope with regular levels of stress.
Small, somewhat insignificant problems could become major issues in the marriage. This puts unnecessary strain on a marriage and could lead to divorce.
2. Conflict avoidance
Some people are anxious about conflict. They try to avoid all disagreements because they don’t like fighting. On the surface, this may seem like a positive trait. A marriage with no conflict may seem like a peaceful, healthy relationship.
But fighting with a partner may be a healthy sign in a relationship. This is according to Melissa M. Breyer. She is a divorce lawyer based in Atlanta. Breyer believes that arguments are a necessary part of marriage. This is because it’s important for couples to talk openly about their feelings.
Those who avoid conflict never get the chance to stand up for themselves. They don’t tell their partners when they feel they’ve been wronged. This leads to marital issues being swept under the rug. Breyer calls this “backlogging” because issues get hidden rather than solved.
Over time, these “backlogged” issues will cause pent-up frustration. Couples may start to feel resentment towards their spouses. They may end up holding grudges and feeling sad and disappointed. This could ultimately lead to divorce.
3. Over-exaggerating problems
While some people avoid conflict altogether, others are on the opposite end of the scale. They are prone to magnifying the problems in their relationships. Both of these extremes are problematic.
People who over-exaggerate their problems make issues seem worse than they really are. They may make a big deal out of things other couples would ignore. This is known as catastrophizing.
David Gonet is a family lawyer based in Illinois. He has seen many instances where catastrophizing has led to divorce. This is because couples who catastrophize their problems file for divorce for insignificant reasons.
Gonet has experienced couples filing for divorce because a spouse came home late for work. He has also seen couples threaten divorce because one of them forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning. These mistakes may seem harmless. But they become a big deal to someone who over-exaggerates their problems.
Once the divorce proceedings are underway, the catastrophist may start to realise that they overreacted. But this won’t necessarily stop them from overreacting again in the future. In extreme cases, Gonet notes that couples may end up filing for divorce more than three times.
This pattern of catastrophizing problems becomes a drain on the marriage. Eventually, couples may grow tired of the overreactions and choose to break up.
4. Compulsive selflessness
Some people are prone to want to care for others. They may enjoy doing favours for their spouse. They might like putting their spouse’s needs before their own. This behaviour is healthy in moderation. But for some people, caregiving may become extreme and obsessive.
Compulsive caregiving is when someone has the irresistible urge to care for their spouse. They will always find ways to be self-sacrificing and selfless. And they struggle to accept help or care in return.
Giving compulsively may be a subtle way to create emotional distance in a relationship. Being overly selfless makes it difficult for couples to find balance and equality. The one partner will always be giving, while the other will always be taking.
Dr. Mark B. Borg is a clinical psychologist. He is also the author of Relationship Sanity: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships. Dr. Borg says that “over-giving is a powerful defence against building mutuality in relationships”. This may lead to couples feeling like their relationships lack intimacy.
Over time, people married to compulsive caregivers may start to feel isolated. They will struggle to connect to their spouses on an emotional level. This could lead to divorce.
Narcissism
Narcissism could be considered the complete opposite of compulsive selflessness. This is because narcissists tend to only focus on themselves. They find it difficult to see other people’s perspectives. They tend to put themselves and their needs above their partner's.
Dr. Nikki Goldstein is an Australian relationship expert. Her doctorate is in Human Sexuality. Dr. Goldstein notes that narcissists may find it difficult to see situations realistically. This may lead to them having a distorted view of their relationship.
When the marriage is going well, they’ll give themselves the credit. When the marriage is having problems, they’ll blame their spouse.
It is as Dr. Goldstein says, “Someone who is always playing victim coupled with a grandiose sense of self might not have the control to fix things when the relationship is at risk”. This is because they may not be self-aware enough to take responsibility for their actions.
Being self-critical
We all need to understand our shortcomings from time to time. It’s natural to point out your own flaws every now and again. In fact, it’s a quality that stops you from seeming narcissistic.
Self-critical behaviour becomes problematic when it’s constant and incessant. It sometimes manifests in people believing they’re ugly or stupid. Sometimes self-critical people also question whether they deserve to be in a relationship.
Mary E. Ramos is a divorce and family law attorney. She believes people are often self-critical because they’re looking for ways to receive praise from their spouse. They criticise themselves because they want their spouses to show they disagree with the criticism.
Ramos believes this creates a “toxic imbalance”. Being married to a self-critical person leads to one partner always having to boost the other’s confidence. Ramos believes that this leads to a self-critical person’s spouse feeling “completely and totally drained”.
Eventually, the person married to a self-critical person will grow tired of trying to deal with their partner’s insecurities. This may lead to divorce.
The bottom line
A lot of the personality traits that could lead to divorce are actually healthy in moderation. You might have been surprised to find that traits like selflessness and conflict avoidance can be detrimental in a marriage.
The traits mentioned in this article all differ from one another. Traits like selflessness and narcissism are even on opposite ends of the scale. What they all have in common is that they are extreme.
When any of the personality traits become compulsive and obsessive, they can be overwhelming in a relationship. This is when they are more likely to lead to divorce.
What other personality traits could be predictors of divorce? Let me know in the comments below.
