Could You Ever Stay in a Loveless Marriage? Some Are Trying
Is it that you one day wake up and realize that you’re just not in love anymore? That feeling of anticipation when you’re about to see your partner—the butterflies in your belly—are all gone. The thought of a date night is as exciting as a rerun of a bad Netflix show. You still love your partner, but there’s not much attraction left.
Or is it when you wake up and realize there’s something wrong with the relationship? You don’t talk as much as you used to. Arguments are more frequent. There’s criticism flying back and forth between you. You feel unfulfilled, and you have a feeling your partner feels the same. You’re unhappy, and you don’t know if it’ll ever change.
Either of these scenarios could count as a loveless marriage. Because even if there’s some love left, there is clearly something that’s not working.
So what should you do if you find yourself in a loveless marriage? Try to find your way back to love, get a divorce, or make other arrangements (and yes, there are a few—people are getting creative these days!). Read on to figure out what you'd like to do.
How to Fix an Ailing Marriage
Just because things have gone wrong in the marriage doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over. One quick look around the world wide web, and you’ll find amazing stories about relationships turning from bitter to sweet.
However, this requires work. And if your partner, at first, is unwilling to work with you, it requires you to do the job by yourself. This action can turn a relationship around. And even if it doesn’t, you’ll have peace of mind you did your best. That you genuinely tried to save the marriage before bidding it goodbye.
Below you find some tips on how to improve your marriage. You can use these tips together, and both partake, which makes it easier, or you can start on your own.
Turn Negative into Positive
Negativity, criticism, or even contempt, usually enter a relationship when we feel dissatisfied.
“Why do you never do the dishes?”
"Why do you spend all your time with your friends/at work and not with me?”
"Why do you always have to be late?”
“You’re such a party pooper always wanting to go home early!”
Psychology today psychologist Steven Stosny believes that criticism can ruin even a healthy relationship. This is because people feel their personality or character is being attacked. And it’s believed that if it goes as far as contempt, the relationship is starting to get rocky.
Many times comments like these also fail to take into consideration what the other party thinks they’re doing right.
For example, someone works late a lot to pay for the joint mortgage. When coming home from a 12-hour day, they want to be praised for that, not blamed for not having the energy to do the dishes.
Sometimes, the criticism or nagging is valid, though. Maybe one party is consistently late or has stopped spending much time in the relationship. That’s to say, they prefer friends or work over date nights. This is not unusual when things start to go sour within the relationship.
However, criticism isn’t going to help the situation.
Rather than ambushing someone with what’s wrong, start complimenting what’s right. Make a considerable effort to thank them for the things they do right when they happen—be it taking out the rubbish, giving you a kiss, or simply looking good in an outfit.
As sex therapist Tammy Nelson wrote in the Huff Post, “We always get more of what we appreciate. If we are frustrated that our partner doesn’t take the garbage out, but we like that they do the dishes, then tell them. Appreciating that they do the dishes means they are more likely to do the dishes and wipe down the counters as well. If you appreciate that they wipe down the counters and do the dishes, they are more likely to sweep the floor, too.”
So compliment their character and looks, as well as the things they do that you love. Keep it varied.
Secondly, when something is wrong and you need to talk about it, phrase it coming from a positive angle. Instead of saying, “Why do you never do the dishes?” say, “I’d really appreciate it if you could do the dishes today. I did them the other days this week, and I’m really tired tonight. Can you do that for me, please?” If they say yes, thank them profusely and give them a hug, kiss or slap on the butt—whatever they’d appreciate more!
Also, bear in mind that if there’s a lot of negativity in the relationship, your partner’s first instinct might be to say no. If you ask them to spend next Saturday with you, they may anticipate a Saturday spent being nagged. So, if they say no to something at first, don’t give up. Don’t reprimand them. Simply reinforce how much you’d love for it to happen and praise them for all the good that they do—within the relationship and beyond.
Focus on Yourself
Find joy in your life, separate from your partner. Believe it or not, this can change the whole relationship dynamic around. Instead of waiting for your partner to make you happy, accept that they won’t (for the time being) and go out and find happiness anyway.
Yes, your marriage isn’t working. No, that doesn’t mean you can’t have an epic social life, hit your work goals, exercise, find joy in hobbies, and so forth. Go on a mission finding happiness.
Not only will this make you more attractive to your partner, but it will also change the relationship dynamics. If you’ve been wanting something from your partner that you haven’t received, chances are you’ve felt downtrodden. Possibly even inferior to your partner as you’re seeking appreciation you aren’t receiving. Maybe you’ve fallen into a pattern of either trying to please them or resenting them and nagging them in turn.
Free yourself. Find confidence in yourself and your own life.
When you do so, you’ll be happier. It will also shift the relationship dynamics, which might very well help the relationship. Lastly, according to Dr. Kim Maertz, it will lessen the impact of a breakup if it comes to that. Because you now know you’re happy on your own.
Come at Conflict from Better Perspective
When someone hurts you, it’s easy to accuse them of wrongdoing. Anger, blame…your hostility can be felt from a mile away.
The thing with anger is that it will make the other person defend themselves from the attack.
For example, your partner forgot your anniversary and went to the pub after work. S/he came home to a cold dinner, a gift, and you shouting at them furiously. Instead of giving them a chance to show remorse, you put them in a position where they started defending themselves without even thinking about it.
This may very well mean that they look for excuses for their behavior (defensiveness to ward off the attack) or start stonewalling you, two things that can ruin a relationship.
Compare that to your partner coming home to the cold dinner and the gift. They’d likely apologize without you even having to ask them to.
At this point, you can also share honestly what you are feeling and what you’d like them to do to improve the relationship.
“I felt neglected and hurt when you forgot our anniversary. In fact, I also felt like a fool, because I put myself out there by preparing a nice meal and a gift for you. I spent days looking forward to the look on your face when opening the gift. Right now, I also confess to feeling a bit insecure as I worry that you don’t care about our relationship if you forget our anniversary. I appreciate that this was not necessarily your intention. I would appreciate hearing that from you though.”
By avoiding to make assumptions about their intentions and by dissecting what you’re truly feeling (beyond the anger) you share your true emotions. And by sharing what you’d truly love from your partner, you allow them to provide you with that. Just saying they’re sorry probably won’t make you stop feeling insecure about their feelings toward the relationship. So share from the heart and ask for what you need.
Relationships usually slip at one point or another. People get busy with work, or family obligations. People become complacent, starting to take things for granted. Instead of getting angry and making assumptions about what they’re feeling, sharing how you feel and what your partner can do to make you feel better, is a recipe for success.
In short, stop accusing, start sharing.
Take Time Out to Do Things Together
If you can, get your partner to set time aside every week to do things together. Share experiences you both enjoy. After all, shared happy experiences are what make us want to be with someone. You don’t go back for a second date if you didn’t have fun on the first. And it’s the same with relationships. For you to want to be in the relationship, you need to have fun together.
Doing new things will also make you feel like you’re evolving and research shows that new experiences can boost marital happiness. So try to figure out some new experiences you’d both love. If you, or your partner, are prone to opt for the safe option (i.e. something you’ve done before and know works), find something new that doesn’t feel like too much of a hassle. Something easy, convenient, and with a reputation for delivering a good experience.
Revamp Your Sex Life
As the story goes, sex often gets old after a while. You fall into a routine. It’s no longer exciting. So try something new. And while in the bedroom, as anywhere else, compliment your partner on their looks, what they do to you, how they make you feel, and so on. We all need to hear and feel how sexy we are. Without it, love turns into a friendship.
If you require inspiration, pick up a book (or ten).
If your sex life is practically dead, then you likely can’t just waltz in one day and say, “Let’s try something new!” Start initiating physical contact. Start showing appreciation for the sexual aspects of your partner. Start flirting. Start having sex.
Once you’ve started showing appreciation for your partner in the bedroom (and beyond) ask them what they want. What would make them excited? And if they don’t know, ask them to explore with you.
Accept Them
You don’t understand their need for wacko wild experiences—particularly not when your bank account is close to zero. You think weekends should be spent doing extra jobs. They can’t understand your need for safety—life’s an experience. If they die tomorrow, why does the bank account matter?
This can breed resentment. You’re stressing about the finances, how dare they go for yet another weekend experience? They are so tired of being nagged and feeling down due to your inability to just relax and enjoy life, they avoid you.
They aren’t going to change. Nor are you. What can change is that you can accept each other’s needs. They agree to save more, you agree to experience more. Or they can agree to let you stay at home and work and accept that and you can agree to let them go out and experience things without you taking them on a guilt trip.
At one point you were excited about who they were. They felt excited by your excitement. Find a way back to that, while also taking into account your own needs.
Get Counseling
Engage a therapist or coach—either for yourself the two of you together. While the steps above will help you change things around in your marriage, you may very well need someone to help you along the journey. They will not only provide you with emotional support but also help you see blind spots in the relationship and how to take proactive steps to move forward.
Today you can find a coach or therapist near you with a simple Google search. Many also offer their services online, via Skype, Zoom, or similar.
When searching for a marriage/relationship coach or therapist, beware that if you, at first don’t want to enroll your partner in the process, then you aren’t looking for marriage counseling. Rather, you’re looking for someone to coach you on how to take steps to improve your life and marriage. Later your partner can join you.
Of course, you can enroll your partner right away too!
Changing the Terms of Marriage
Maybe the marriage as it is simply isn’t working. Maybe you want to be together, but you aren’t sexually satisfied, or you want to explore connections with other people. Or you feel that the marriage is over, but you still want to keep the family together as you have children. Or possibly you feel you’re truly over it all. So what to do? Well, you need to change the terms of the marriage—one way or another!
Have an Open Marriage
You both need something more, but also want to be with each other. If so, this is the perfect option. And it’s not as uncommon as you may think—one study found that about 20% of Americans have been in open relationships in one form or another.
Just make sure you sit down and discuss it properly. Are you both looking to explore deeper connections with others? Or are you both happy with your connection, just needing some sex on the side? If you have children, are you willing to tell them you have an open marriage?
Read up about the arrangements other people have made by scouring sites and blogs online. Find out what would be ideal for you.
Cohabitation Without a Romantic Relationship
Maybe you’ve tried to fix the marriage and it didn’t work. Or you don’t want to try—to you, the marriage is well and truly over from a romantic perspective. That doesn’t mean you might not still consider your partner a friend, or your family, though. And while you might not want to share your bed with them, you might wish to stay together for the sake of the children. This kind of arrangement is what Susan Pease Gadoua, author of Contemplating Divorce, calls a Parenting Marriage.
Children or no children, if you want to keep the family unit intact, but no longer be romantically involved, there are ways and means to do that.
For example, you can choose to live nearby, even as neighbors, or split the home you share in two. This can allow your children, if you have them, to roam freely, while you still gain some independence. Plus, it will help to take turns giving each other nights off without having to pay for a babysitter.
For this to work, you both have to be respectful of the other person’s space. Yes, you may share a home, or live so close you can pop by at any moment. That doesn’t mean the doors are always open though. Decide together what will work best and revisit the terms ever so often.
If you have kids, you also need to decide on a co-parenting plan, and check-in with one another as you go along. Not only does checking in ensure you’re both happy, but that the kids don’t get up to things they shouldn’t! If daddy doesn’t have time to check the homework book as often as mommy, a teenager may cleverly start spending all their time at daddy’s claiming it’s because he likes daddy more!
With this kind of arrangement, you can also choose to slowly untangle your finances and work on things like buying two cars instead of one and figure out the mortgage. Maybe you want shared finances for some things and not others, or you want to keep them entirely separate.
You can do this kind of arrangement and have a divorce, or you can do this and keep the legal terms of the marriage. It depends on what works best for you and your family.
Note that for this to work, the romantic aspect has to be well and truly over. You can’t have one party secretly still in love with the other. If so, it’s better to at the very least live in separate houses.
Likewise, neither one of you can harbor massive amounts of animosity. That’s not what family is all about.
Lastly, consider that you might want to eventually live further apart—even if it’s just the house next door!
A Complete Split
If you've already tried to save the marriage and failed, or feel that the marriage is beyond saving and you do not wish to be close to your partner, divorce is the best plan. Be as clear as possible about the terms, including co-parenting. Try to keep animosity out of it, but lawyer up if need be. Always get legal advice, whether the split is amicable or not.
The Bottom Line
There are many ways to deal with a loveless marriage. The idea that you have to end a marriage in tears and battle it out in court is an old notion. In fact, whether you decide to dissolve a marriage, or change around the terms, you should still apply the tips in the section about how to fix a failing marriage. No, not the part about your sex life, but about acceptance, conflict resolution, and negativity. You want to have an as positive as possible relationship with your partner, whether you decide to fix the marriage, change around the terms of marriage or dissolve it altogether.
