Sometimes, intellectual attraction trumps physical attraction in a relationship. It’s important to consider what you value in this person to decide what your future holds.

Attraction is a fantastic feeling, but sometimes it can bring up conflicting emotions. What do you do if you find yourself intellectually attracted to someone but not physically attracted? We'll talk about what to do in this situation so you can feel confident taking the right step for your life.

It’s True, Physical Attraction Does Matter

If we’re transparent, physical attraction does matter in the beginning. Scientifically, it’s the gatekeeper that drives us to the person we think would make the best partner. Men especially tend to notice the critical nature of initial physical attraction. It’s a survival method for our species as a whole. Attraction is natural.

Still, physical attraction is only most critical at the beginning of a relationship. Studies have shown that as a relationship progresses, physical attraction becomes less vital. At this point, characteristics become the focal point of the partnership. The shift of physical attraction over time is the breaking point for many couples.

Attraction depends on the relationship. It’s important to figure out why you fell in love with this person in the first place. From there, you can decide if lack of physical attraction will be a deal-breaker.

Just note, perceptions can change. If you work in your relationship, you will grow to love them in a physical way over time. 

Figure Out The Why

If you want to know if you have a future with this person, you need to understand why you’re with them. What’s the why in your relationship? Do they have any characteristics that could serve you well later in life? Figure out why you guys are together, and what pushed you to move past looks from the start.

Firstly, ask yourself if there is love in this relationship. If there is, what kind of love is it? 

Some people get into relationships and realize that their love is more friendly than romantic. Other times, attraction can be based on the admiration you feel for the person. If you love them, there’s hope for this relationship for the long term despite the odds.

Ask yourself these clarifying questions about your relationship:

• Are they better off as a friend? Would you both benefit more from hanging out in platonic ways?
• Do they give you security? Do you feel safe whenever you’re with them? Do you feel like you can trust them to help you through life?
• Can you tell them anything? Do they keep your deepest secrets safe?
• Are they a team player? Do they work with you to get things done?
• Do you want to spend every moment with them? Do you turn to them even when things get rough?

Physical attraction is critical, but it’s not one of the most important traits in a long-term relationship.

Finding a genuine partner to whom you’re intellectually attracted is much more difficult. Is the why because of their intellect? Maybe physicality doesn’t matter as much as you think. Love is rare. If you feel real love, don’t let physicality get in the way.

Can you imagine this person growing old with you? Can you picture buying a house together, even raising a family with them? If a lack of a six-pack is making you ignore their other perfections, it might be time to rethink your standards.

Can You Communicate How You Feel?

One of the best things you can do is communicate with your partner. This conversation can be hard, but it’s the only way your relationship will grow. No couple has ever benefited from keeping secrets that big from each other. You can work through this obstacle as a team, which may in turn help your attraction.

To have a proper conversation on this touchy topic, try this:

• Sit down and ask to have a conversation.
• Reveal the topic in a gentle way.
• Explain yourself in a loving manner.
• Apologize while being honest about your emotions.

It’s vital to be as straightforward as possible without hurting them, laying everything out on the table for them to see.

There’s a high chance that telling your partner you’re not attracted to them will hurt them. You need to be ready to be there for them, to comfort them. Imagine yourself in their shoes as you reveal this information.

Honesty is the best policy, but remember that your partner has feelings too. Tell them how you feel, but don’t forget to get their side of the conversation too. It’s critical to communicate politely. You can decide if you want to move forward together at this point.

Is it Possible to Spark Physical Attraction?

If you both decide that you want to work on your relationship, it’s time to take action towards physical attraction. There are so many fun things you can do to find that spark you guys have been missing.

Here are some things you can do to help grow your physical attraction with your significant other:

• Have exciting dates: Exciting dates will bring you closer together. Try skydiving or something else that gets your heart rate up. The thrill will trigger some heated emotions.

• Take time for each other: Physical attraction can be absent because couples focus on everything except for each other. Take time for each other - eat breakfast, read books, and watch a movie. Take time for each other - eat breakfast, read books, and watch a movie.

• Think about body language: Body language is more critical than many people realize. If you don’t touch each other, do it! Keep your body poised towards your significant other. Pay attention to them with your body. Be playful with your touches.

• See a scary movie: A scary movie is both fun and raises the heart rate. You’ll end the move having the time of your life and feeling a new spark between you and your love. 

Trying a few of these may change the way you see your partner, mixing some physical attraction in with intellectual attraction.

There is a science to attraction. 

You can shift neural pathways and make changes to see people in different ways. People more willing to date in the mid-range of attractiveness are more likely to find long-lasting love. This is because they are willing to change how they view their partner. Intellectual attraction can be vital too.

If you see traits in your partner that feel like they’ll work well in the future, try shifting the neural pathways. Together, you can cultivate your relationship into a combination of physical and intellectual.

If All Else Fails...

Although there are so many reasons to stay with a person despite a lack of physical attraction, some relationships just aren’t meant to last. If you find nothing to hold onto for the future and can’t improve your physical attraction, it might be better to end things. 

You have to think of the other person in this case. How would you feel if someone stayed with you without being physically attracted? If it feels like breaking up is the best choice, sit your partner down and have a conversation about this decision.

A breakup talk is big. You should approach the conversation with caution, taking care not to blindside your partner in the process. To talk to them about this difficult subject, you should:

• Be honest about what you want to talk about.
• Explain your rationale behind your thoughts.
• Ask them how they feel about the relationship.
• Discuss what the best next step should be for both of you.

From here, you can work together to decide what’s best for both of you.

Who knows? You may find the situation solved after getting everything out in the open. Other times, it might feel like you’ve spoken a truth that was waiting to come out. It can feel like the end is near. You must communicate in complete honesty from this point forward, even if it feels awful.  

If you can’t work through this moment, it might be better to break things off. You might work better as friends, and you might work better if you go separate ways in life. Breaking up hurts. Yet, it’s better than staying in a relationship where you aren’t attracted to your partner. It’s unfair to keep them unaware of the situation, and can be emotionally damaging long-term.

Love Isn’t Easy

Dating is hard, and fighting conflicted emotions in a relationship makes it even harder. Still, with the right person, there is hope for the future of any couple if you’re both willing to grow together!

What are your thoughts on intellectual versus physical attraction? We'd love to hear them in the comments below!