The 5 Most Common Reasons For Divorce, According To Research
Divorce is never expected. No one thinks about that at the point of saying ‘I do’. Couples say their vows to the deafening applause of their friends and folks present. They walk out of the venue with the promise of a fulfilling marital life.
And it usually is, at least for the first few months or years. Both partners strike a balance between their work and love life smoothly. Every decision is properly deliberated to ensure both of them are on the same page.
But real life isn’t fairytales, and they’d soon realize that. Problems begin to occur. Personality flaws are revealed. Somehow, one or both partners struggle to manage the situation--of course, with the expectation that everything will return to normalcy. But it doesn’t.
Misunderstandings make constant appearances in daily conversations. While some of them are reconcilable, others are too painful to forget. When these issues become unbearable, what happens next? Divorce.
According to the American Psychological Association, the rate of divorce in the US alone is 50%. This is an indication that marriages can either be fulfilling or end with a trip to a divorce attorney’s office.
What then are the common reasons for divorce? A new study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy surveyed 2,371 recent divorcees to answer that question. Here are the 5 most common reasons for divorce:
1. Lack of communication
Communication is one of the major signs of a healthy relationship. A lack of this vital ingredient can make a marriage go sour.
Rachael DeAlto, a relationship expert, says
Communication is so essential to a relationship, that the lack thereof can be a sign that the relationship is on its way out. Are either of you no longer talking about issues or communicating about things that bother you? That's a huge sign that one of you has checked out.
From the study, 44% cited ‘communication problems’ as one of the reasons for their divorce. A particular respondent explained that her husband ‘didn’t talk so much’ which led to the crumbling of their marital union.
This is usually a problem when couples are soaked into several things at once. Kids, career, mental health, taxes, money problems, and even friends and folks. All these constants, if unchecked, can suck the life out of a person. It doesn’t come off as surprising as people zone out.
Jason Crowley, a divorce financial strategist, says
Sometimes, you go on autopilot and make assumptions when it comes to communication. That’s just as dangerous. You are setting yourself for a ton of resentment, frustration, anger, and more that will spill over into all parts of your married life.
It is important to set priorities in your marriage, and know where everything else falls into. That way, you’d be able to stay on top of things all the time. Also, it is necessary for you and your partner to maintain civility even if you're annoyed. The right time to have discussions also matters. When a partner gets ambushed with a question, they may likely go counter-offensive.
If you are having any issues with your partner, do not bottle it up. Communicate your feelings in a civil and safe manner.
2. Lack of intimacy
According to the research, 47% of the participants mentioned a lack of love or intimacy as a reason for their divorce. Some of the common statements included “He did not love me anymore after we've been together for several years.” and “I had no feelings for her/him.” And it’s so easy to see why.
Newlyweds maintain both physical and mental intimacy with each other. But as the years swing by, less and less physical intimacy is established. This becomes a problem for some partners who want to always stay connected.
Psychiatrist and author, Mark Banschick, says
You can have intimacy with or without sex. And, you can have sex with or without intimacy. Sex with intimacy is the engine that makes a relationship sing. Sex provides us with a wonderful way to connect with another to experience an ecstatic moment or luxuriate in the sensuality of another body. Intimacy is the experience of true closeness to another, true knowing, and being known. It elevates sex to something spiritual.
Sexless marriages can drive people to extreme heights. They begin to feel like they’re not desired, and if this feeling lingers over time, it may lead to divorce. That’s why the role of intimacy in marriages cannot be neglected.
Lack of intimacy can also arise as a result of sexual dysfunctions or a lack of attraction. And if that is the case, couples should seek medical assistance or therapy. This will prevent the union from having a crash.
Simple gestures goodnight kisses on the lips, cheeks, and forehead, hugs, foot massages, back-rubs, buying flowers, or seeing late-night movies and TV shows together are love languages that boost intimacy, even without the sex.
3. Abuse
No one should be tolerant of a physically and emotionally abusive partner in marriage. And that is a totally valid reason for most marital crashes.
Dr. Gary Brown, a couples therapist, says
You should leave if your partner threatens you verbally [or] physically harms you. In this day and age, that should be a ‘no-brainer.’ There simply is no excuse for perpetrating emotional or physical violence on anyone unless it is a legitimate case of self-defense. Period.
The problem with having an abusive and controlling partner is that the signs aren’t obvious. It starts with a minor, seemingly innocent request. Soon after, these requests become exploitative and outright manipulative.
It could be one partner isolating the other from their friends and folks. It could be preventing a partner from engaging in activities that bring happiness to them. Abusive and narcissistic partners want to be in control of everything. This includes joint finances, social media accounts of their partners, their choices, etc.
This often threatens the self-esteem of the abused partner. They lose sight of themselves, drowning in a reality that was forcefully created for them. Abuse can also be directed at a partner’s friends and family members, or even children. And this is potentially dangerous for anyone involved.
The best option for abused partners is to seek support from law enforcement, social services, and family members. And this should be done as soon as possible to prevent fatal events in the future.
4. Unmet expectations
Another major reason why divorces happen is as a result of unmet expectations. A lot of people tie the knot with faux prospects and get disappointed when it doesn’t align the way they want it too.
Crowley says
Living “happily ever after” requires constant work. But there is a difference between putting in the work and putting on the pressure with your spouse to make your marriage all that it can be. If there is a constant tension between you, sooner or later, cracks in your relationship will appear, and your marriage will be on the rocks before you know it.
Most recently divorced couples had gotten married for physical appearance. It’s okay to marry a partner who is attractive. But then, warning signs may appear during courtship but they’re often neglected.
When the clouds of honeymoon fade away, both of them realize they’re not on the same page on virtually everything. They realize that their visions, values, and even political views are in contrast. This becomes a problem that often leads to a divorce attorney’s office.
Couples need to find a way to co-exist around their character flaws and habits. If they can’t make it work, divorce is recommended.
5. Infidelity
Extramarital affairs are also one of the reasons a disappointed and heartbroken partner will request for a split. It changes the dynamics of a happy marriage. Trust is shattered, and while it can be amended for some marriages, it is devastating for others.
Adultery in marriages often occurs as a result of a difference in sexual appetite, resentment, unmet expectations, and even a lack of passion and emotional intimacy. According to Infidelity Statistics, 22% of married men and 14% of married women have cheated on their partner at least once.
Crowley says
Infidelity may also start as a casual relationship that evolves into an emotional affair, and then becomes a physical affair. That is often the case with people in work situations who spend large amounts of time together.
Cheating doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker for marriages. Some couples have been able to deal with it and built a sustained marriage. But if a partner feels heartbroken and distraught over it, they’re well within their rights to ask for a divorce.
Divorce is a difficult experience, no matter who initiated it. But when one begins to consider the reason that led to that sudden finality, it is often for the best. It presents another opportunity to learn, relearn, and unlearn as you move on.
