6 Things I Learned About Love After My Divorce

Divorce is often described as an all-involving, heart-shattering experience. Some people have even equated it to a loved one passing away. If you are the one that wants to work on the marriage, but your partner insists on divorce, it can very well feel like you have lost a loved one.

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Just like almost any other hardship in life, there are lessons to be learned from divorce.

Whether you realized you needed it or not, a divorce will likely catapult you into intense introspection. It gives you a chance to slow your life down and focus on the parts of you that you have neglected for so many years.

Sure, it might be a little lonely at times, but you have the freedom to rediscover your passions in life. If you want to completely change the path your life is on, a divorce is a great excuse to do so.

No matter how you handle your divorce, you are likely to come out on the other side a stronger, wiser, and more grounded person because of it.

Many people fear the idea of divorce. They think it curses them from getting to experience true love. This is an unrealistic fear that couldn't be further from the truth. If anything, it opens your options, and your heart to experience a love you never thought was possible.

ABC News reported that divorced people are much happier after the divorce than those that stayed in an unhappy marriage. However, just because people get divorced, doesn't guarantee their happiness. It is the personal work that consumes the person post-divorce that makes them a happier person in the end.

Below are six different things that I learned about love after my divorce. These are six things that could potentially help you decide if divorce is the right thing for you.

1. Clear Communication Is Imperative

When you choose to get married and spend the rest of your life with another person, your lives become one. It can be difficult to remain in the mind frame that you and your spouse are still individual people. When one person starts to believe their spouse should think and feel and act in a way that pleases them, that is when you start to see problems arise.

Just because you are married doesn't mean your spouse will change who he is at his core to be more like you, and vice versa. You two might be married, but you are still two individual people. You are two people that mutually decided to be two people together. This is key.

That is also why maintaining an open line of communication is so imperative. You have to be able to have real conversations with your spouse without it turning into a fight.

Maintaining an open line of communication is done by:

• Listening to one another:
• Let your spouse voice his opinions without interruption or judgment
• Respecting his individuality:
• You fell in love with him for the individual he was. Continue to respect that individual as he grows, and your marriage grows.
• Allow him to speak his truth:
• Sometimes your advice isn't warranted

Marta Kem, a Denver Marriage and Family Therapist, claims that sharing feelings is the way to go. It is a lot more effective than trying to get your partner to understand your thoughts. Not only this but once your spouse has explained how he feels, try repeating back to him your interpretation of his feelings. This is a tool called reflective listening that is a powerful communication technique.

2. Learn to Embrace the Unknown

Regardless of how long your marriage lasted, starting again is scary. It is something that almost everyone feels when going through a divorce. In fact, it is the fear of the unknown or the fear of being alone that gets people to stay in an unhappy marriage. They think they will be happier in their unhappy marriage than they will be on their own.

Going through a divorce is absolutely scary; there is no doubt about that. However, you can use that fear to your advantage. You can use that fear as a motivator to see what's on the other side.

Fears try to stop you from achieving the things you want most in this life. There is a crucial difference that is important to understand. The difference being the fear that stems from anxiety and the fear that stems from the anticipation of the future.

When you go through a divorce, you will ask yourself all sorts of questions like:

• Will I ever find love again?
• Will I miss my husband after my divorce?
• What will my kids think?
• What will my family think?
• How will I start again on my own?
• How will I get by without the joint income?

These are all questions derived from the fear of what's to come. You can start to eradicate these fears by addressing them head-on. Some things you can try are:

• Have real conversations with your kids and family members
• Get a part-time job
• Start doing things for yourself

Many people that are fearful of the future are those that don't seem to have a plan in place.

For some, coping with fear and anxiety after divorce can seem like an impossible task. Those that are frozen in their fears can receive great benefits from counseling post-divorce. It can help you refind the strength you've always had within you to do what is best for you.

3. Loneliness Can Be a Good Thing

It is completely normal to be lonely after divorce. In fact, your loneliness can be used as a vehicle for diving into yourself. You can learn more about what makes you tick. When we are married, it can sometimes be hard to maintain who we are as individuals. This is especially true if your previous partner was overbearing and controlling.

Loneliness has a way of shining a light on the parts of yourself you've neglected while you were married. Use that loneliness to figure out what your passions are again. Take time to do things you wouldn't normally do. You might just find a new hobby with a new group of friends that enjoy the hobby as well.

Besides, you can't possibly expect to meet someone new that is better suited for you if you don't take these risks. You must take the time to pursue your new passions.

In her TED talk, Brene Brown says,

This goes for the introverts out there too! Allow yourself to step outside of your comfort zone and find new things and new people to fall in love with. But first, fall in love with yourself again. Spend that much needed time alone to get to know yourself again.

4. It Really Shouldn't Be THAT Hard

Ask nearly any married person you know. They will tell you that marriage is one of the hardest things you will ever do. It forces you to face your demons head-on and own up to your mistakes to make things right. This includes watching the words you say when you and your spouse aren't exactly in agreement.

It is true that relationships require you to be accountable for your words and actions. Sometimes fighting is necessary. It's a sign of a healthy relationship. As long as you are fighting, it shows that you two care about the situation at hand. However, this shouldn't define your relationship. In other words, just because you are fighting, doesn't mean your relationship is healthy.

According to couples' therapist, Wendi L. Dumbroff, MA, LPC, there are three common ways that couples approach confrontation. Type A will fight aggressively by nagging, screaming, and name-calling. Type B will shut down and try to leave the situation entirely. Type C tries to avoid confrontation altogether.

Dumbroff continues by saying,

A licensed clinical social worker and marriage counselor, Sherry Amatenstein, revealed to PsyCom that couples with a destructive fighting style and those that hold grudges are doomed for failure.

It is the couples that can put their egos aside to come together in love during and after a fight that have the best chance of survival. No matter how much you love the person, you are bound to have differences in opinions at some point or another. The key is to hear the other person out while remaining respectful in nature.

5. Small Gestures Go a Long Way

It's been shown that small gestures are needed to sustain a happy long-lasting relationship. The couples that continue to do their part to show each other they care have a better chance of staying happy throughout their lifetime.

In today's society, it is easy to get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. This can lead to forgetting to put in the effort for your relationship. However, the health of your relationship depends on you taking that moment each day to come back to your relationship. You must show you are present and that the person is important to you.

The only way you can properly execute this is if you two take the time to learn each other's love language. You and your partner might have known each other your entire lives. Yet, your small gestures won't hold much weight until you speak directly to his or her love language.

The idea behind this is for your partner to see that you listen when he or she speaks about his wants and needs in life. Not only are you listening, but you are taking action to help ensure these wants and needs happen.

Committing to the act of small gestures is a two-way street, just like anything else in marriage. When only one person puts in the work, the other will get tired. The partner will see his or her efforts as going unnoticed or unappreciated. He will eventually stop doing them altogether.

This, of course, is where those communication skills come into play. Voice your feelings. Ensure that your partner understands the importance of small gestures in a relationship just as much as you do.

6. Your New Partner Is Not Your Old Partner

This is arguably one of the more important lessons learned about love after divorce. If and when you decide to hit the dating scene again, it is crucial that you do some personal work first. You have to be aware of your own baggage. No one likes to feel like they are being compared to someone else. being compared to an ex is even harder to get over.

Your new partner is not your ex. You must allow yourself to let go. Let go of the pain and suffering you endured from your previous relationship. Otherwise, your new relationship will repeat the same course.

Social media doesn't help the situation either. You can get on any social media platform today and find a whole mess of seemingly happy couples posting photos in picturesque places and confessing their love for each other for all the world to see.

Bustle reported a relationship expert, Anita Chlipala, stating, "Social media also creates unrealistic expectations of a partner because we piece together the best of each partner or relationship that we see on social media and expect it all in one person and in our own relationship."

In other words, keep your head in your own lane! Your relationship is yours and no one else's, and it most certainly isn't the same relationship you had with a previous partner. Allow yourself the luxury of not sabotaging your new relationship by comparing it to others.

Divorce is one of the only things in this world that will literally take your life and flip it on its head. There are many irreplaceable life lessons to be learned from divorce, though. If you are in an unhappy marriage, allow yourself the courtesy of contemplating divorce. You might just learn a thing or two about love that can propel you into the relationship of your dreams.