How to Break Up with Someone in the Kindest Way Possible
The end of a relationship is never easy. It’s not a great feeling to be on the receiving end of a break-up, but it’s also difficult to be the one that has to call that shot. If a relationship isn’t working, it’s better to go ahead and face the uncomfortable task of ending it rather than drawing it out.
Think long and hard about why you want to end your time as a couple. Consider what you want to say so that you enter the conversation feeling strong about your decision and if you’re certain a break-up is necessary, here are several tips to remember to make the break-up as painless as possible.
Disclaimer: This is the way to go about handling a breakup that results from healthy relationships. You would approach other scenarios (such as instances of domestic violence) in a different way.
1. Break up in person and in private
Unless you fear for your physical safety, breaking up via text, email, or phone call isn’t the most respectful way to call it quits.
If you’ve been in a committed relationship for any length of time, you owe it to yourself and your partner to meet with them face-to-face. This article from Time Magazine notes that in-person breakups are the most considerate and mature option for established couples, and should preferably happen in a private place.
Also consider the timing of the conversation. For example, if you’re out of town attending a friend’s wedding or it’s your partner’s birthday, it’s not an optimal time to address the fact that you feel the relationship is over.
It may also be tempting to break up in a public environment in the hopes that your partner will have a calmer reaction. Unfortunately, you don't get to choreograph the action of the breakup to let yourself off the hook.
Telling someone you don’t want to be in their life anymore will most likely leave them feeling somewhat vulnerable and embarrassed.
If you care about the other person, you need to give them the right to be upset on their own terms and in their own way. Yes, this may mean a lot of crying, anger, pleading and a lengthy, drawn-out discussion, but that is part of the closure that needs to occur.
Also, being in public does not ensure a more subdued reaction. You run the risk of your partner being as tearful, accusatory and loud in public as they would be in private.
2. Be clear and straightforward
It can be tempting to soften the blow of the break-up by wavering on what you want to see happen.
Dr. Sue Varma, a board-certified psychiatrist and clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the NYU Langone Medical Center, states “Having a clear break-up with someone is civil, respectful, and allows the other person to properly mourn and ultimately move on."
Bestselling author and relationship expert Susan Winter notes,"The kindest way to break up with someone is to do it cleanly, and with clarity. Leaving wiggle room for your ex to wonder, 'is it really over?' only serves to torture them in the long run. Being vague is not compassionate."
It’s best to rip off the Band-Aid rather than suggesting being “just friends” or “taking a break”. Vague language will only result in confusion or a sense of false hope for reunification.
3. Don't try to make this seem "the best thing" for the other person
Avoid the temptation of trying to comfort your partner by suggesting you are doing them a favor by breaking up with them.
Brittany Bouffard, clinical social worker and psychotherapist in Denver states,
We all know the breakup clichés. When you aren’t specific about why this is happening, you rob someone of a sense of closure; they’re stuck guessing what went wrong.
And, she adds, “when people hear a vague reason, they blame themselves more.”
April Masini is one of America’s foremost dating and relationship advice experts, as well as the author of four relationship advice books.
She says people don’t want to hear things like, “You deserve better than me.” She notes, “This line is typically used by someone who's treated their partner poorly but doesn't want to get into the details. It can be disturbing to hear if you've been on the receiving end of bad behavior and are now being broken up with.”
Instead of using this line, Masini recommends keeping it simple by saying something like "You were amazing and I will never forget that."
4. Stick to your decision
It can be tempting to return to what’s familiar and comfortable, particularly if your partner was your best friend.
Ultimately though, continuing forms of contact and communication will make it harder on you both. The results of this study showed that the seemingly benign forms of contact can have a negative impact on individuals.
So how can you be strong in the aftermath of the breakup? According to the University of Colorado, you should practice the placebo effect.
In the study, when people who had recently been through an unexpected breakup were given a “powerful nasal spray to reduce emotional pain,” they reported feeling better after seeing an image of their ex. Scans showed that their brains responded differently, too.
The nasal spray was a mixture of water and salt.
So start doing the things you believe will make you feel better, because there’s a good chance they will. Go and see the friends you’ve neglected for a while, sign up for the class you’ve wanted to take or learn a new hobby.
Take time to reconnect to parts of yourself and your past that you placed on the back burner during your relationship.
Take a trip, eat the foods you couldn’t order because your partner was allergic, sleep in the center of the bed or volunteer your time. The point is to do whatever you can to remind yourself that your life will be full without your partner.
Relationship coach Toni Coleman notes you should make a plan, then commit. As soon as you’ve made your decision, stick to it. You’re not doing your partner any favors by waiting for a convenient time.
Another thing to avoid is the temptation to check up on them after the break-up to make sure they are okay. Coleman says,
Whether you’re genuinely concerned or you’re just trying to massage your ego, you’re definitely not helping the other person. Each phone call invites more conflicted feelings, essentially re-starting the breakup and forcing your ex to evaluate the relationship all over again.
“Your ex may see it as a sign you are unsure and you want to try again. You just need time and space, but you’ll eventually return,” says Coleman. “Don’t do it—no contact is best. For a long time, if possible.”
5. Don’t attack or criticize
“The breakup conversation will most likely be uncomfortable, so be prepared for that,” says Tzlil Hertzberg, a therapist specializing in relationships at MyTherapist New York.
However you explain that the relationship is over, don’t turn it into the blame game. Instead, make the reasoning about yourself.
No one can argue with you about your own preferences or feelings; they can argue with you if you are vague or make statements/assumptions about their feelings,
says Dea Dean, a marriage and family therapist and professional counselor in Ridgeland, MS. To do that, use “I” statements to explain what you think or feel isn’t working.
You can be gentle while being clear and direct about what you want. “Kindness and empathy really go a long way in a difficult situation like this,” says Hertzberg. “Just validating the other person's feelings around the breakup can be healing. Use sentences that reflect your understanding of how the person feels, while also making sure you clearly express yourself.”
Love is messy and break-ups are messier. After the end of your relationship, take time to be alone and take care of yourself.
Consider what you’ve learned from the relationship, including both things you want and don’t want. Then take the time to love yourself before going back to anyone else.
