How to Be Happy After a Divorce

Divorce hurts. Regardless of whether it was you or your spouse who initiated terminating the relationship, it is a difficult and painful process. The good news is that you can find happiness again after going through separation and divorce.

It won’t necessarily automatically happen, but changing your mindset to one that accepts and is ready for a new chapter in life can make all the difference.

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There is no doubt your life is going to change because of your divorce, but these changes do not have to impact you in a negative way forever.

Take an Honest Inventory of Why Your Relationship Failed

Part of moving on to a happier and healthier spot emotionally requires you to take an honest internal assessment about why your marriage ended in divorce. This will provide you with a sense of closure, as opposed to a constant “what if” that may cloud your future if you do not deal with these feelings.

Consider these top 10 reasons relationships fail. Take time to consider each and the role they might have played in the ending of your partnership. This task isn’t to be critical of yourself but, rather, an open and honest assessment of learning from the past so as not to repeat mistakes.

1. Trust issues
2. Different expectations
3. Moving through life at different speeds
4. Compatibility issues
5. Communication issues
6. Narcissism
7. Relational abuse
8. Life habit abuse
9. Grown Apart, Boredom, Staleness, Rut
10. Money issues

Embrace New Habits/Roles

Psychologist Dr. Robert Alberti, co-author of Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, notes, “Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn't fit with your ‘couplehood.’

Maybe you loved to go out, but your spouse was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theater but your husband hated it.”

"What were your hobbies and activities before the marriage? What did you defer in favor of the relationship?" Alberti asks. "Exercising your interest in those again is important to rebuilding yourself."

Psychology Today suggests you should “Spend some extra time at the gym, buy yourself a new wardrobe, or get a new haircut. Pick up a new hobby, go to a self-development lecture, or take a class on something you’ve always been interested in.

When you are busy, out and about feeling good about yourself, your attention will be on something other than the breakup, and you are more likely to meet other new people with similar interests.”

Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself

After divorce, you may find yourself stuck in a rut of painful memories and disappointing thoughts of the future. When a relationship ends – especially if the other person unexpectedly leaves – you might want to wallow in self-pity.

Author and wellness coach Lisa Arends says:

This article notes, “Your relationship may feel like a colossal failure because of everything that went wrong. There is always plenty of blame and regret to go around for everyone in the relationship. There is plenty of pain and heartache that each of you caused.

But the only way to keep this from weighing on your self-worth for the rest of your life is to let go of this heavy burden. You must find it within yourself to forgive your ex and let go of the past. Do it because it's the right thing to do and because you're a kind, compassionate person. If not that, do it for yourself so that you can let go of the burning coals of resentment. You may not be able to move on until you forgive your ex.”

If you're being unusually hard on yourself and feel like you're responsible for everything that went wrong, it will be hard to move on and rebuild your self-worth.

Let Go of People Pleasing

The breakup of a marriage can cause you to take stock and realize that divorce can be an opportunity for growth. One of the first things to consider is: how do you treat yourself? No one is going to treat you with respect if you beat yourself up. Get rid of all those self-defeating thoughts in your head – such as calling yourself “stupid” that won’t help you get back on your feet.

The first step to reducing approval-seeking behavior is to examine your self-sabotaging beliefs and patterns of relating to others.

Peak-performance coach Tony Robbins explains how people-pleasing affected his own life, to his detriment. He explains how he married his first wife to keep her happy, and how this prevented him from truly being his authentic self. He also explains how he had to be courageous by getting divorced, in order to fulfil his own life mission.

Don't Dwell on the Past

Psychology Today says, “Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything?

To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce.”

It is so easy to become entrenched in thoughts of what could have been. No one gets married expecting that one day their marriage will implode. But you have to be able to move on from the experience.

Womansdivorce.com notes,”Without freedom from the past there is no present to experience and no future to look forward to. Without freedom from the past we are doomed to stay stuck in all our 'stuff' and render ourselves immobile, paralyzed. To move through this life transition of divorce demands an ending, a break from the past. In order to have a beginning, there must always be an ending. One door closes and another opens.

In order to let go of the past we must be in acceptance of our new reality, our life as it exists now that we are divorced. It is part of coming to terms with loss.

To refuse to accept a loss keeps us mired in the fear of that loss. To live in fear is to live under a black cloud that once again keeps us stuck in the past. Loss is a part of life, it happens and there is no way around it. We must face loss and come to terms with it.”

Think about this for a moment…ask yourself what do you gain by constantly thinking about those times? Have you ever paid attention to how many hours, days, weeks…maybe years you spend thinking about the past or a certain situation?

So how do you let go of the past? Shelley Stile, ACC certified Life Coach specializing in Divorce Recovery, recommends 5 rules:

1. Begin by making a list of the costs of holding on to the past. In writing it will reveal to you the real costs.
2. Make another list of what life would look like with freedom from the pain of your past.
3. Do the classic Ben Franklin close. Weigh the pros against the cons and make a decision as to how you want to live your life.
4. Now make a list of the things that you have to let go of in order to gain your freedom. Things like blame, resentment, bitterness, anger, sadness, denial…you get the idea.

As you look at each of the items you need to let go of, once again, take a look at the cost involved in holding on. For instance, holding on to blame makes you a victim because you are saying that your life is what it is due to someone else, thereby giving that person control over you. To give up blame and victimhood, you need to take full responsibility for yourself, your life, and your feelings.

Create a Future Plan

Divorce changes everything – including all the plans you had for the future with ex. It’s time to start dreaming again about what you want from your life now that you’re getting a fresh start. As you begin imagining what you want, it’s OK to start small.

What you’ll discover is that as you continue to dream that you’ll be able to fill in more of the details until your plan is incredibly vibrant and compelling.

Another important consideration is to plan your financial future. Divorce can be expensive. You may need to pay alimony, child support, or legal fees.

Take some time to budget your new life in a single income household. Make sure you can afford the necessities while also saving money for retirement and an emergency fund.

If your spouse did all of the financial planning, you may need to relearn how to do it. Take a financial literacy course at a community college or talk to a financial planner.

If there are children involved, you will have to plan for their care as well.

Look as far forward into the future as you can. You may even develop a ten-year plan.

Be Thankful for What You Have

Dr. Karen Finn notes, “Divorce forces you to take stock of what you don’t have any longer. It’s normal to grieve the losses and feel sadness. And you need to experience the grief.

However, sometimes the grief and sadness of divorce can become a habit. You continue focusing on all that you don’t have instead of being thankful for what you still do have.

When you start making a shift of focus from what you lost to what you’ve got or even gained, you start emerging from the depths of divorce despair and prime yourself for a better life after divorce. The best part is that the more time you spend contemplating what you do have the more and more momentum you’re gaining toward making your happiness a reality.”

This article from HuffPost describes how some people found ways to be thankful after divorce:

"I'm thankful the two of us were able to rebuild our lives. We got out earlier instead of waking up 50 years later and asking, 'what happened to us?'" -Pilar G.

"I'm thankful that God gave me the strength to take my three kids and leave a tough situation. And from that moment on, I grew stronger and stronger and became the kind of mom I never knew I could be." -Christine N.

"I'm grateful to have the opportunity to have an authentic marriage with my second husband. Marriage is hell with the wrong person, complete heaven with the right one." -Amy G.

"I am no longer put down, screamed at, called names, or treated with hostility on a daily basis and for that I am thankful." -Melissa B.

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Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author, says, “I think finding happiness after divorce is not a possibility, but rather a PROBABILITY, and I can say that because of the dozens of divorced men and women I have seen go from sad, weary, scared, frustrated, angry and depressed to happy, self-confident, strong and so often, madly in love!”

Dr. Karen Finn points out, “As cliché as it sounds, happiness is a choice. You can choose to remain miserable by continuing to think the same thoughts day in and day out. Or you can choose to start thinking and doing things differently. Making this second choice again and again and again will put you squarely on the path of creating a happier life after divorce.”

The Takeaway

Dr. Mark Banschick says, “Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step.

To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone?

Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine?”

Banschick asks you to consider the following questions:

- Will I always feel this lonely?

- I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life.

- I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life!

- How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis?

- Dating again? How do I get started? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life?

He concludes, “If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on the chance that your life will get back on track on its own. A good plan for action can make a big difference.”