8 Tips for Dealing With Divorce Stress
Divorce is not a walk in the park for most people. Even if it’s an amicable divorce, your entire life is changing. Adjusting to that alone can be stressful. Add on the thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and the stress multiplies.
Thankfully, there are tips to help you reduce divorce stress. Tips that might very well help turn you into a powerhouse. Because as the story goes, with big change, comes big opportunity. Even if it doesn’t feel that way at first.
1. Take Some Time Away from Your Ex
The so-called no contact rule is a rule where you do not contact your ex for a set period of time. Usually somewhere between 30-90 days. Psychologist Jill Weber says in an article on Psychology Today that avoiding contact with your ex for a set period of time will allow you to heal. It will also allow you to stop fantasizing about getting back together (if you do that) and stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. As an extra bonus, it will give you enough space to let new energy in.
What’s more, a breakup can cause similar withdrawal symptoms to cocaine withdrawal. As a result, you need time to come off your “drug” a.k.a. your ex, to be able to balance your brain chemistry.
In short, the no contact rule will give you enough time to hit the reset button. And remember, for this to work, you need to unfollow your ex on social media too. Or temporarily set your feed so that you don’t see their updates.
If you can’t avoid all contact with your ex (it’s particularly difficult if you have children!), simply minimize it. Make sure communication is effective and to the point. And avoid unnecessary chats.
2. Get a Change of Scenery
Just as taking time away from your ex can help you hit your reset button, so can a change of scenery.
There is little science to be found online that supports the idea that a change of scenery will aide your healing process. However, if ending a relationship is like cocaine withdrawal, then places, people, situations, and things can act as triggers.
In case of a divorce, constant reminders of your ex are thus likely to increase your stress levels.
While it’s not recommended you move across the world (or even the country!) right after a divorce, a change of scenery is. This can be as simple as visiting a friend out of town for a couple of days. You can also try out new places and activities where you live, as well as meeting new people.
By breaking up your habits, you aren’t constantly reminded of your ex. And if you focus on what you are doing, you will soon forget to think about your divorce every three seconds.
3. Manage Your Stress Levels
Stress causes a peak in cortisol, which is a stress hormone. This, in turn, can negatively affect your wellbeing. Other factors than cortisol may also play a part, but the evidence is clear: stress can cause illness. There’s even a test that was designed (based on scientific data) to find out how stressed you are and, therefore, how likely you are to have one health problem, or another, in the coming two years.
Don’t fret about the risk of getting sick because you are currently stressed though. There are ways and means of dealing with the stress before it causes any damage.
For example, the Japanese past time of forest bathing (i.e. spending time in greenery) has been scientifically proven to reduce stress and improve your immune system.
Dr. John E. Sarno’s book Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection, on the other hand, discusses how suppressed anger and stress can lead to chronic pain. It is another resource you might want to consult. While it was designed to help people with chronic pain, people going through a divorce may very well recognize themselves when it comes to failing to deal with anger. And destress by following the instructions of how to get rid of pent up anger!
Studies have also found that several other things are great tools for combating stress. These include partaking in a hobby (or two!), meditating, walking, practicing breathing techniques, and making art.
Just because you’re going through something stressful, it doesn’t mean you have to be stressed. Your stress levels will peak at times, but even that doesn’t mean you have to be permanently stressed. Simply make sure to set time aside for things that help destress you and you will stay healthy and be a lot happier, too.
4. Exercise and Eat Well
Both exercising and eating well can help balance your brain chemistry. In fact, it appears people who eat better don’t only improve their cognitive function, but also their mental wellbeing. Plan your meals in advance so you don’t end up putting foods in your body that don’t serve you.
Likewise, exercise can both improve memory and combat depression. Exercise can also help you sleep better, which, again can help you have a better state of mind.
It appears aerobic exercise (anything that gets your heart beating faster) is what creates the famous “runner’s high.” That's to say--it creates an endorphin rush. Thus, it's what works best as a mood booster.
When you combine about 20-30 minutes of exercise every day with a healthy diet, you will likely find that your levels of stress go down. With a healthy diet, most people refer to a whole foods diet with no processed foods.
Note that there are plenty of 20-minute high-intensity workouts, yoga classes, and dance workouts, that can be found for free on YouTube! And there’s always the option of dancing around the living room, running around the block or biking to the shops. Exercising doesn’t have to be difficult, nor time-consuming.
5. Take Charge of Your Mindset
Worrisome thoughts, or rather: unresolved thoughts, have been named White Bears by Daniel Wegner. When going through a divorce, chances are you’ll have a lot of White Bears. These can easily put you in a negative state of mind; worrying about potential outcomes.
Who will get the house? How will we work out co-parenting? Will I ever date again? How will I create a new social circle? What if I keep missing my ex?
Wegner suggests you face the music: sit down for a talk with the White Bears. Ask about the worst possible outcome. Face the fear. Think about solutions for the worst possible outcome (if helpful). Then let it go.
Eckhart Tolle finally realized he was happy when he faced the worst-case scenario. For him, that scenario involved sitting homeless on a bench. That's when he stopped worrying about what could go wrong. Because everything already had. And as he let go of the worry and enjoyed the moment, he found happiness. He describes this in The Power of Now
Likewise, in Stop Thinking, Start Living, Richard Carlson talks about how therapy made his clients miserable as they kept going over their problems. He helped them shift their focus to things that were good in their lives. As well as, of course, things they wanted to create.
In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey claims there are only two kinds of problems you can solve. Namely, those that you can actively deal with (such as registering a new car) and those you can influence (such as tackling co-parenting by reading up on it and then influencing your ex). What’s outside your sphere of influence (such as whether it will rain or not), you cannot influence and therefore have no reason to worry about. In fact, worrying about what you can’t influence, takes time away from proactively working on what you can influence.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is another powerful book if you want to take charge of your mindset and let go of worry. One of the four agreements, for example, is to stop making assumptions. Something which can be very powerful during a divorce. You might be surprised by how many assumptions you are making about what divorce means and how it will impact your life. In addition to assumptions you are making about what others and your ex are thinking about you. With over 11,000 reviews on Amazon, it’s a book well worth reading.
If you’re still having trouble battling thoughts, how about filling your mind with positive audiobooks? Both books on how to improve your mindset and fiction that makes you happy. Fuel your mind with happiness.
Lastly, empower yourself by reading books about how to deal with the practical and mental aspects of divorce.
6. Therapy and Coaching
Going through a divorce is tough on many levels. Your identity as part of a couple changes. Your actual life changes—new home, new habits, new responsibilities. And the person who has been your emotional support (or lack thereof) disappears.
All of this can seem overwhelming and create a lot of stress. A coach, or therapist, can help you break it down into manageable chunks. They can also offer advice for healing and help you set goals for what you want to create next. It’s easy to get caught up in the past when going through mourning. That's why it helps to have someone guide you toward goals that excite you.
7. Friendly Support
When your life changes, it’s natural to need support. Shared responsibilities with your partner suddenly become responsibilities you have to deal with on your own. From doing the admin to cooking dinner, this can be stressful if you are used to delegating.
You also need emotional support. If you have a partner, there’s always someone there to share in happy and sad news. You need that, even when you’re single. So decide to nurture your friendships.
In fact, Mental Health America says that divorce is something no one should face alone.
Putting together a group of friends who help each other out—a support circle—can work wonders. You can put together this group yourself. Simply ask some friends if they want to get together every week, or every month, for something. It could be that you take turns throwing a dinner party or meet out for cocktails. Or why not boardgame or crafts nights? It can be anything, really. Also, decide to be there for each other. This could mean helping out when running late to fetch the kids or the dry cleaning. It could also mean someone to bring you chicken soup when you’ve got a cold.
You can also join existing groups. There are plenty of support groups for divorcees. What’s more, there are many other forms of groups—crafts groups, book circles, and so forth. Meetup is an organization that offers meetup groups worldwide—you can even start your own! Find people to play Dungeons and Dragons with, or people to join you for cinema outings. There’s truly something for everyone and it’s a great way to meet new people.
8. Pamper Yourself
While there may be little science to back up bubble baths as a form of coping with divorce stress, doing things that make you feel good…well, they make you feel good! So long as you aren’t sitting worrying about the divorce while in the bath, chances are it will relax and rejuvenate you.
Having a massage can be very relaxing. And using essential oils in a bath (and essential oils such as lavender have actually proven to have calming effects!) can work wonders for your soul. So can taking time out to go to the hairdressers, upgrading your wardrobe and so forth. They are all things that will make you feel good. Simply because you are actively taking care of yourself.
Likewise, setting time aside to relax with a good book, or enjoying a walk in nature with a friend. Even having a cup of tea after a long day instead of falling straight into bed, or onto the couch in front of Netflix. Taking those five to fifteen minutes to breathe.
Of course, eating well, meditating, doing breathing exercises and exercising, also fall into the category of self-care.
Try to set up a daily, or weekly, pampering routine. For example, in the morning, take five minutes to meditate, five minutes to do breathing exercises, and five minutes to warm up and stretch. During the day, set time aside for a fifteen-minute walk to catch some rays (you need that vitamin D!). At night, be sure to get some twenty minutes of aerobic exercise and fifteen minutes, or more, of “me time.” This could include drinking an herbal tea consisting of herbs that are known to induce calm, such as chamomile, lavender, and lemon balm.
On a weekly level, add in time for relaxing in the bath or sauna (or simply a very long shower), meeting with friends, and, if possible spa treatments. If going away for weekend retreats are within your budget, add in one of those ever so often too!
The Bottom Line
Curing divorce stress is much like curing any other form of stress. First, face your fears and let them go. Then focus on the things you can do something about, and leave the rest by the wayside. Simply get proactive about improving your life in the areas you have some control of. It's much more productive than worrying about what will happen if you don’t find a job, a new home, or sort out the co-parenting schedule. And empower yourself by reading books about various topics.
To deal with everyday stress and worry, also try things that have been scientifically proven to help boost your mood and decrease stress. These include aerobic exercise, eating well, partaking in hobbies, meditating, and doing breathing exercises.
Lastly, get the support you need—spend time with friends and make new ones, join support groups, and get a coach or therapist.
