The Narcissistic Love Script
You may have heard people fling around the term “s/he is such a narcissist.” Yet few people realize that there are pathological narcissists.
Pathological narcissists aren’t usually who you’d deem a narcissist when first meeting them. They can be extremely charming, kind and caring. The persona they project can, in fact, be quite mesmerizing.
This is why people feel like they’ve hit the jackpot at first when dating a pathological narcissist. As the relationship progresses though, things change. The charming person turns manipulative, emotionally abusive, and controlling. In turn, it leaves their partner feeling devalued.
So what are the signs someone is a narcissist? Read on to find out.
What’s a Narcissist?
According to Merriam-Webster, a narcissist is “an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.”
Of course, most people have one narcissistic trait or another. The word is often flung about here, there, and everywhere. An artist obsessed with their work may be called a narcissist. A gym rat obsessed with gaining muscle may be called a narcissist, too. As may a goal-driven businessman, or woman. That, however, is different from a pathological narcissist.
Professor Preston Ni says that “the pathological narcissist [is] someone who’s in love with an idealized self-image, which they project in order to avoid feeling (and being seen as) the real, disenfranchised, wounded self. Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling,” even if they painfully don’t want to admit it.”
Is Being a Narcissist a Bad Thing?
A narcissist is someone dealing with a broken ego, or other psychological wound. And they do so in a dysfunctional manner. It’s not that there isn’t a good heart and soul somewhere in there. However, they need to deal with their issues, or they won’t be able to form healthy relationships. Their need to know it all and have the last say, as well as their need to mold their partner into who they want them to be, is a recipe for disaster.
The Narcissistic Love Script
According to Elinor Greenberg Ph.D. there are five stages to the narcissist’s love script.
Narcissists tend to have a preconceived idea about their ideal partner and relationship. And unlike most other people, they don’t have the ability to let go of that idea. If their partner does not show up how they want them to, they take it as a personal offense.
As a result, narcissists seek to manipulate the situation. This tends to lead to a relationship going through certain stages. These are the stages that are referred to by Greenberg as the narcissist’s love script.
Now, let’s have a look at the various stages.
Courtship
This is the phase where the narcissist “love bombs” their partner. The narcissist usually believes they’ve hit the jackpot. Finally, they will be with the person they deserve.
Note that it’s not about what their partner is getting, but what they’re getting. They simply assume that they’re perfect for their partner.
Persuasion
This is when the narcissist will start to try to control, or manipulate, their partner into doing and being who they want them to do and be.
If their partner is driving a car they don’t like, they may suggest they buy another one. They may even buy it for them, if they have the money on hand.
They will tell them what events they need to attend, and how to behave when attending them.
This might be subtle at first. Maybe their partner is actually quite close to their ideal mate. The point is that narcissists will expect their partner to be and act in a certain way. And if they fail to do so, the narcissists will be unhappy.
Note that this isn’t about taking responsibility for doing the dishes 50% of the time. Or taking enough time out of work to spend time with them. Nor is it a simple request to make an effort to be nice to their parents, or friends. No, this is about turning their partner into the perfect person--in their eyes.
Devaluation
Most people have the ability to keep their positive feelings for someone when disagreeing. This is called “object constancy.” Unfortunately, narcissists often lack this trait. Or they are only capable of it to a certain extent. The moment someone doesn’t show up as they want them to, their feelings for them turn to anger and disappointment. They can’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to become who they want them to be.
Their anger and disappointment is also a means of seeking control. And they tend to shift the blame and turn themselves into victims. If someone doesn’t agree to do as they’re told, then they are the bad one not willing to make the narcissist happy.
Domination
If someone more or less accepts the devaluation but doesn’t totally conform to the narcissist’s ideas, the narcissist will now try to control them. This is because they aren’t willing to admit that they are wrong, or have chosen the wrong partner. This would lead to their ego crumbling and feelings of shame. They actually think someone else not conforming is an attack on them. So, they think domination is the solve-it-all. It will make their partner comply to their wishes, meaning their own ego will remain intact. It will also give them a sense of power, which again, allows them to sidestep their broken ego.
This form of control can take many shapes and forms. In some cases, the narcissist might want to take control of their partner’s entire life. Control who they see and when. Read their emails. Check their phones. The list goes on. In other cases, it might be the desire to control who their partner is being perceived as in public.
In this phase, the narcissist may also use threats. “If you don’t do this then I will/won’t…” This can be terrifying for their partner if they are married. Their partner then stand a chance of losing their financial security, or children.
In extreme cases, the narcissist may also become physically abusive.
Note that this is not the same thing as playing around with dominance in the bedroom. Or, for that matter, having a forceful personality. There are dominant people who will happily listen to you if you object to something they’re saying. They'll listen even when “taking charge.” They’ll continue to take charge. But they’re perfectly comfortable taking your wishes into account. And they aren't degrading you in the process.
The Discard
The last phase is when the narcissist dumps their partner. If they get around to that. Some narcissists create a relationship where they make their partner reliant on them. Others create a relationship where they make their partner feel so worthless they go along with anything they say.
In fact, if you’ve found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, you are lucky if they dump you. This is because it means you have not conformed to the point where they feel comfortable. They’ve actually been forced to realize that you have a personality of your own. One that does not agree with their wishes.
Tips for Avoiding Narcissists
Everyone’s a narcissist to a point. Everyone, at some point or another, says or does something a narcissist would. For example, you may fit someone into your idea of the ideal partner when first meeting them. And you may be charming when first meeting someone. That doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist.
So how do you spot a narcissist? Well, if someone is saying and doing a lot of things that are narcissistic in nature, then a warning bell should go off.
The above script is obviously a big giveaway. However, there are some other ways you may spot a narcissist. Both through language and behavior. You can spot this while spending time with them, not just when dating them, or being in a relationship with them.
The key here is taking your time to get to know someone. If you get swept away by a narcissist’s good sides, you might very well miss the warning signs. Particularly if you’re attracted to them. And there may be many good sides. From donating to charity, to setting up companies that change the world for the better. Or maybe they are looking after homeless animals?
Behaviors
If someone is prone to several of the behaviors below, pay attention. Chances are they are either a narcissist or have strong narcissistic tendencies.
- They’re always right--if you say something that disagrees with their point of view, you’re either ignored, corrected, or dismissed.
- They like breaking laws and rules--so if it’s only social norms, driving too fast, or stealing towels at a hotel. To their mind, the rules don’t apply to them.
- They disregard boundaries--some, or all of them. This includes your personal space, your things, your thoughts and their own promises to you. These are all up for negotiation.
- They like gathering status symbols or gaining authority--a narcissist is likely to make up for their sense of insecurity by gaining some form of status. This could be monetary, professionally, physically, or otherwise.
- They have a larger than life personality--they may think themselves the hero/heroine in their own story. Or they may charm your socks off when they want something from you (and then completely ignore you when they’ve attained it).
- They put others down--if you don’t agree with them, they fear you’ll become more powerful than them, or in any other way get in their way, it's an issue. They can use various forms of manipulation to remove you from blocking their path. This includes shaming and blaming, starting arguments, spreading rumors, emotionally abusing you, etc.
Language
When it comes to language there are a few go-to phrases that narcissists use. These phrases will be used by most people, at some point or another. However, if someone is using them a lot and inappropriately, that’s when warning signals should go off.
- Gaslighting--using phrases such as “I didn’t say that…” or “You misunderstood...” or “You’re projecting…” meaning nothing is their fault; you’re always to blame.
- “You’re too sensitive...” “You take things too personally…” Meaning whatever just happened isn’t their fault.
- “It’s your fault that I…” Again, blame-shifting. This is a classic in abusive relationships, where the abuser makes out it’s the abused party's fault that they’re being abused.
- “You never…” Or “You always…” This enables them to include past mistakes, not just current ones.
- “No wonder nobody likes you…” Or some variation thereof. Basically saying if you express your thoughts and feelings, then no one will like you, which in turn is an excellent way to silence you.
- Ridiculing what you’ve just said in one way, or another, or making it seem humiliating. This ties into the above that no one will like you when you express your true self.
- “Well, just leave then…” If you don’t want to leave the person, they know this means they’ll win the argument.
Tips for Rebuilding Your Confidence if You Dated A Narcissist
If you have dated a narcissist for a long time, chances are your confidence has been broken down. To regain confidence, there are various steps you can take.
Firstly, recognize that you are no longer a victim, but a person in control of your life and emotions. What the narcissist projected on you were their emotions and have nothing to do with you. This alone can lead to a sense of empowerment.
This idea of projection is described nicely in The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The book will likely also free you from other negative thoughts that may have been holding you back.
Secondly, get proactive about rebuilding your confidence. There are several books that can help you--you’ll find a great list here. Other books that can help you create a better mindset include Stop Thinking and Start Living by Richard Carlson.
Part of being proactive is also finding the support you need. This can be in the form of friends and family, but also coaches, therapists and counselors. They can help you spot your own blind spots, as well as support you on your journey.
Lastly, start noticing other people who care about you and take the opportunity to get to know more people who will as well. Having been bombarded by negative thoughts about your personality is what's broken your confidence. Finding people with commonalities can help rebuild your sense of self-worth. Consider joining MeetUp groups in your area. That way, you can find people with similar interests who are open to connecting with new people.
And while connecting with others, note the things that are going well and what people like about you. Let go of the inner critic, or thinking about what your ex might have had to say about it!
Conclusion/The Bottom Line
Narcissists are people with deep psychological wounds, making up for them by projecting a certain self-image. When it comes to relationships, they want their partner to fit into the image they’re projecting. If the partner does not live up to their first idealized view of them (when they’re thinking they’re just what they were looking for), issues arise. They start devaluing them and manipulating them into being who they want them to be. Often they blameshift, accusing their partner of not caring about them, unless they behave as they desire them to.
