The 10 Questions That Lead to Divorce
Nobody likes to think about divorce. But if you have a consistent case of verbal diarrhea, you might be well on your way.
Insults thinly veiled as questions are not the ingredients for a successful marriage. If divorce is not on your vision board, do not ask these 10 thoughtless questions.
1. Why do you always forget to (insert the name of the chore)?
Let’s not play the blame game. This question will make your partner feel like you’re accusing them. It’s not very helpful to motivate them, nor does it lead to a discussion. This isn’t really a question. It’s an accusation in disguise. Blaming your partner is an easy way to avoid emotionally opening up. Many times it’s not even about the dirty dishes.
Get to the core of what is bothering you. The pile of dirty dishes makes you feel that you are putting in way more effort than your partner. Your time isn’t valued. Instead of starting with blame, try explaining how their actions emotionally impact you. Yes, you will have to be vulnerable. But vulnerability invites conversation and empathy.
When you feel this question bubbling up, pause before asking it. Is your partner’s negligence a piece in a larger pattern? Or is it a one-off occurrence? Your partner may be going through a rough patch in their lives. Their chronic negligence may only be the tip of the iceberg in their emotional turmoil.
A better approach would be to make regular time to connect with your spouse. Ask them what has been bothering or stressing them.
2. Would you be happier without me?
This question is off-limits in an argument. If you really want to know the answer, you’ll have to dig a little deeper. Asking your partner this when you are both upset might prompt them to throw out a hurtful “yes” even if they don’t mean it. If you’re looking for honest vulnerability, you need to open up first.
Lead by giving an example of when you felt unhappy. You could start by recalling a point in your relationship where you were stressed at your job and it made you feel all around unhappy. You can extend this to your partner by asking them if there might be something that is making them feel a certain way in your relationship.
A vulnerable conversation will stop your partner from thinking that you’re accusing them. After they open up, gently suggest what may work for them. Remember, it may actually be an issue with you. Be willing to hear them out. If it’s fixable, now would be the moment to figure it out.
There are a few things you can also look out for before you ask this question. A red flag is if your partner stops communicating with you. Before, they used to be open about what was going on in their lives. Now, it’s hard to get a peep from them. You feel like awkward college roommates. Your lively conversations are now stale and one-sided.
A change in your partner’s behaviors could indicate that there is an emotional storm brewing. Take note of their actions over the course of a week. Compare these to a previous point in your relationship. If you notice a consistent pattern, approach your partner with your concerns.
3. Any question that combines "your mother" and a judgment
There is a reason kids make "yo momma" jokes. There doesn’t exist a more inflammatory topic. Any question that contains criticism of your mother in law is off-limits. Your spouse will be put on the defense automatically, even if your mother in law is a complete witch. It’s best not to wedge yourself between them.
Encourage your spouse to set boundaries with their mother. Your mother in law will understand where her input is appreciated and where she is stepping on your toes, when you have defined boundaries. There could be certain topics that are off-limits. Having these clear boundaries will make you both feel comfortable and respected.
Your mother in law could also use some extra time alone with your spouse. She may feel pushed aside or harbor other insecurities. This may express itself through downright witchy behavior or even a cold shoulder. Don’t take this to heart. Realize that although she is older, she still has her own feelings too. Leave her room to feel these things.
To be more proactive, you could give your spouse conversation starters. These little helpful tidbits will support your spouse in being open and empathetic with their mom. It may be a few misunderstood feelings at the root of your mother in laws actions. By indirectly supporting her, she will feel valued.
The caretaker or feminine role in your relationship may have a trickier time dealing with in-laws. If this is your role in your relationship, a close relationship with your mother in law may be much harder. It could invite unsolicited advice about your children, cooking, or cleaning. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be best buds with her.
4. Why are you so lazy?
This isn’t even a question. You are attacking your partner’s character. Accusations about personality traits aren't that useful. This “question” doesn’t leave room for a discussion. Give your spouse an example of a situation that made you feel like they weren't holding up their end. You will give your partner a chance to consider how their actions are making you feel. They may not have viewed it that way.
You might also need to reflect on your own expectations. Are you setting expectations that are too high? Your spouse may not have the mental or physical energy to tackle extra projects at the moment. Your partner may have different priorities or be a bit more easy-going. Try to meet in the middle so neither of you have to sacrifice who you are.
Discuss your expectations with each other. Divide up the load in a way that works for you both. Don’t bring gender expectations from your family into your relationship unless you have discussed it and it works for you. Your spouse may not have grown up with these as ideals. It’s unfair to force your beliefs on your spouse if they don’t agree. Comparing your spouse to someone else as a standard isn't helpful.
5. Why are you always so uptight?
You probably did not marry an uptight person. If your spouse seems rigid, don’t accuse them of suddenly becoming uptight. Recognize that your sweetheart is most likely under severe stress. If your partner is already in a state of unrest, asking them to come down from it is useless. If they could be calm, they would.
Something is causing your easygoing partner in crime to act like a Catholic school nun. It’s your mission to sleuth what could be causing them to close shut like a clam. There could be a stressful situation at their job. Your spouse might have wanted to keep up their poker face around you. Let them know they are in a safe emotional space so they can open up to you.
Women are also put under more societal pressure in marriages. They are viewed as the ones to be responsible for dressing the kids and keeping a clean house. This extra pressure may make your spouse feel overwhelmed at times. Make sure to let your spouse know that they are appreciated.
Plan special dates or time together where you can help your partner unwind. Ask them if there is anything in particular that is making them feel stressed.
6. Why did you let yourself go?
Ouch! You notice your spouse is gaining a little pooch in the front. Then the double chin sneaks in. Suddenly your sexy spouse has the silhouette of Shrek. Do not ask your partner this, especially if you have kept in shape. This has to be one of the worst insults. Be on your partner's side.
Your spouse’s expanding midsection could actually be a sign of unhappiness. If you notice your partner constantly putting themselves last, start a conversation. It might be wonderful when all of the little tasks and chores are done. Consider the price of this. Your partner may be trying to please you by picking up all the things you may have missed. But they have sacrificed themselves as a result.
Ask them how you can be of help. Help to lighten their load so they can make time for themselves. Approach the issue together. It will take the focus off their appearance and onto solving how they feel.
They could be holding onto anger internally. Talk with them about what is stressing them. Keeping your lines of communication open will nip these issues in the bud. A long term lack of communication will allow these issues to fester.
7. Why can't you be more like (another person's name)?
This question is unfair. You chose to marry your partner, not someone else. Healthy couples have a high ‘self-other overlap.’ This is when you and your partner view yourselves as one unit. When you have a high self-other concept, even if you compare your partner, you will still view them in a positive light.
An example would be if your partner was messy compared to a friend’s spouse. You concluded that you are great at cleaning anyways, so it’s ok that your partner isn’t the cleanest. You still think of your partner as the perfect one, flaws and all. When you don’t view your partner this way, you will always find flaws with them.
8. Why don't you listen to me?
Check your approach to conversations. Leave anger at the door. It is much harder for your spouse to hear your opinions if they are angry. Nobody wants to be preached to outside of church. If you approach your conversation negatively, why would your spouse want to listen? Start off on a positive note. Lead the conversation with empathy.
Are there deeper issues in your relationship that need to be addressed? Chronic distrust in a relationship is the breeding grounds for divorce. What has previously happened in the relationship to break the trust? Try discussing what is going on with your partner as well as their hang-ups. Once the air is clear, communication should improve.
The problem might be you. Remember to communicate effectively. You might be married, but that doesn’t link your minds. You still need to speak up. Use confident language that gets to the point. Beating around the bush will make you seem like you aren’t sure of what you’re saying.
9. Are you lying to me?
This question is problematic. If your partner is innocent, you will have created a bigger issue. Before asking a question about your partner’s honesty, take a moment to analyze the situation. Sometimes if your childhood wasn’t peachy or you faced other traumas, you may have an anxious attachment style. You could blow something out of proportion when there isn’t anything sinister going on.
Recall your childhood and your relationship with your parents. Did you feel loved and understood? Also, if you’ve previously been in a relationship where you were cheated on, you need to consider this. Old wounds like to reappear when you’re feeling insecure. A part of you fears that this may happen again. Do the self-work to recognize when you’re overreacting and when your fears are legitimized.
After you’ve done the work, you can then determine if your spouse seems suspicious. First, try to explain how some of their actions make you feel. This leaves the door open for your spouse to communicate their feelings. It may be a miscommunication or your partner could be busy and stressed at work.
Letting your spouse express their emotional state will help to bring you closer together. The longer discussion might also tip you off if something is really happening. Catching them off guard in a calm, relaxed state might help you to get to the bottom of this if there is foul play.
10. Do you want a divorce?
Only ask this question when you want a sincere answer. The answer might not be what you want. Don't use this as fuel in an argument. That's hurtful. You’re avoiding working through your issues if this is your answer to the sticky points in your relationship. Instead, write out the points that your spouse continues to complain about, it will help you to clarify why they aren’t happy.
If you want to know if your spouse is considering divorce, approach it like a regular conversation. Let them know that you love and support them in whatever they choose. It might be painful, but it can be less dramatic if you both approach it as adults. If your spouse doesn't actually want a divorce, get to the underlying reasons why this question would come up.
Do any of these sound familiar? Fess up and pinky swear to yourself that you'll never use them again. Right before these questions tumble out of your mouth, take a deep breath, and reconsider. If you think this relationship advice would help a friend, please share it. Or if you need to give a subtle hint to a certain someone, share it with them.
