Couples’ Therapists Reveal The 1 Sign That Means Your Relationship Is Over
The writing is on the wall. You can feel it even though you can’t muster enough courage to speak it out loud. Everything in your relationship is out of place. Nothing feels right anymore. You take one look at your significant other, and you’d expect to feel that tingle in your chest. But you don’t. You feel and dread something else instead: the end of your relationship?
Are you troubled about the longevity of your union? It is totally okay to feel that way. There might be obvious red flags that will influence you to get worried. You can see the seeming changes in your partner that have affected the relationship.
Then again, you may be oblivious to the signs, blinded by your love for your partner. How do you know that your relationship is over?
Relationship therapists have spilled the beans on the one sign that foretells the end of your relationship. Let’s jump right in, shall we?
An unwillingness to commit
Relationships aren’t fun and games all the time. There’s going to be tough times where you and your partner need to reassure yourselves. To remind each other that you're both in for the long haul. But, if in your case, there’s an unwillingness to commit, it spells dangers for the relationship.
Hanalei Vierra, a licensed family therapist, says
The one sign for couples that means the relationship is over also happens to be the one requirement necessary for the relationship to stay together in the first place: It is willingness. Willingness to change, willingness to have compassion, willingness to forgive, willingness to give the other person the benefit of the doubt at the toughest moments of struggle between them both. A lack of willingness on either person’s part, therefore, is the death-knell for a couple’s ability to maintain a connection.
You should make the move to end things with your partner if the commitment is non-existent.
When they spend more time with their friends
One of the signs of a healthy relationship is spending quality time with your partner. Whether on dates, meeting at your cribs or theirs, or hanging out with mutual friends, spending time with your partner is important.
Rhonda Milrad, a relationship expert and founder of Relationup, concludes it’s a red flag when your partner is spending less time with you and more time with their friends. “They are putting more energy and time into other relationships in their inner circle [you].”
It’s a heads up that they are no more connected with you as before, and you should take a walk.
When you begin to wonder if you can do better
You are not the same person you were when you decided to be in a relationship with your lover. Relationships are there to either mold or mar you. When you begin to envision meeting and dating someone better than your partner, that’s a bad sign.
Lisa Concepcion, Founder of LoveQuest Coaching, says
That great person you met two years ago was great based on who you were then. You may not be growing at the same pace. Perhaps they are in a comfort zone. They’re a nice person and you have love for them but there are thoughts of 'where is this going?' or, 'do I really want this?' When those questions start popping up, it's your inner being nudging you elsewhere.
If you begin to look for something (or someone) better beyond your partner, make the harsh decision.
Both or one of you won’t go to therapy
Seeking therapy is the right thing to do if your relationship isn’t working out. However, if one or both of you are reluctant to see a therapist, your relationship is coming to an end.
Christie Tcharkhoutian, a licensed marriage therapist, says
If your dynamic is toxic and your partner does not want to try to work it out, then that is a big sign that the relationship may be over. The dissatisfaction in the relationship and the healthy dynamics are your warning sign for your relationship. If you don't pull over and get help through going to therapy, your relationship is going to get off track.
Seeking therapy is crucial to relationship growth. And if one or both of you won’t seek external help in therapy, the relationship is over.
The future doesn’t appear in your conversations anymore
Planning for the future is one of the ingredients of a healthy relationship. It gives the opportunity to discuss your careers and where you want to see yourselves. It also allows you and your partner to make moves to achieve them.
Sex and relationship counselor, Carmel Jones, says
Looking toward the future is a relationship 'vital sign.' When talk of the future fades, this is usually an indication that the relationship is heading south.
If both of you don’t talk about the future anymore, there isn’t one to discuss.
When there is constant threats and abuse
No one should remain in a relationship to endure physical, emotional, and mental abuse. You can’t work your way around this. It’s a deal-breaker for most relationships, and it should be the same for yours, too.
Dr. Gary Brown, a couples’ therapist, says “your partner constantly threatens you verbally [or] physically harms you. In this day and age, that should be a ‘no-brainer.’ There simply is no excuse for perpetrating emotional or physical violence on anyone unless it is a legitimate case of self-defense. Period.”
Brown also advises that you should talk to close friends about what is going on in your life. He says “Given the stakes, it would make sense to consider seeing a couples' counselor or an individual therapist. The more support you have, the better your chances of understanding why this situation is happening and to explore options for your exit strategy if the situation simply cannot be resolved.”
No one should condone abuse. If it ever gets to that, quit the relationship and move on. Period.
When you’re bored with everything
When your relationship isn’t working out, you get bored easily. Not just with your partner, but with everything else: your job and your aspirations in life. Hanging out with your folks and friends will also seem like a bore. And that’s not how to live.
Denise Limongello, a psychotherapist based in New York, says
If you feel bored not only with your partner but with life in general, it might mean that you're no longer in the right relationship. If you often feel like you have nothing to say or report to others about when in social settings, it might mean you're not particularly enjoying life in your current relationship.
If you’re suddenly bored with your partner and everything else, you should seek happiness somewhere else.
Lack of respect for each other
Another ingredient of healthy and long-lasting relationships is mutual respect. If during arguments, you or your partner start hurling spiteful words, the relationship is no longer healthy.
Katie Leikam, an LGBTQ therapist in Georgia says one of the major signs that a relationship has reached its end is when couples begin to have contempt for each other. Leikam says it’s commonplace to want to insult your partner during a fight. But when you follow through with it, that’s a problem.
“If when you fight your intention is to hurt your partner rather than try to work toward a solution, your relationship is over.”
When you and your partner do not respect each other’s feelings, the relationship has reached an end.
You fixate on their flaws
When you are in a healthy relationship, it is totally normal to only see the good in your partner. And you pay less attention to their flaws. When you begin to fixate on your partner's flaws, it’s a sign that your relationship is over.
Caitlin Bergstein, a Boston based matchmaker with Three Day Rule, says
It may not always be obvious that you are only viewing your partner's flaws, but a telltale sign is how you speak about your partner to your friends. If you're struggling to say anything positive about your partner and find yourself speaking poorly or bad mouthing them to others, it's likely time to end the relationship.
This can also go both ways. If your partner constantly focuses on your flaws, you should make the decision to call it quits.
Holding onto grudges
Does your partner always remind you of that mistake that happened several months ago? That’s another major sign that your relationship may be crashing soon.
Sherry Amatenstein, a New York City-based therapist, says
Olympian grudge-holding is toxic for a relationship. At some point, the one eternally held accountable will begin feeling mighty resentful. Additionally, holding a vendetta is toxic for the angry person as the “blood is boiling” feeling that rises up whenever you think of how you were wronged lead to the “fight or flight” stress response of your sympathetic nervous system which ups your cortisol level and raises your blood pressure.
It is recommended to see a therapist to resolve any issues. And if that doesn’t work out, walk out of that relationship.
Changes in your sex life
The mere sight of your partner’s body used to unearth feelings inside you. But now, you can tell something isn’t right. Toning down on sex isn’t a relationship-ender. But when you combine it with the other signs listed above, it is a cause for concern on your relationship.
Irina Baechle, a relationship coach says
This is the biggest concern I see with the couples who come to see me. They are physically together, but emotionally feel alone and disconnected. It is a silent sigh that the relationship is unfortunately headed south unless they reach out for professional help.
If said professional help doesn’t help, it’s time to hit the buzzer and move on.
Relationships aren’t fairytales: all of them won't have happy endings. If your relationship is experiencing any of these issues, take a stand and shut the door.
