10 Expert Tips for Dating After a Divorce
Dating after divorce is tricky and awkward, to say the least. Dating can feel especially alien if you were married for years or decades. You are so used to being with one person, that looking at someone else in that way can feel almost wrong. It takes some time before you are fully ready to date again, and the timing is different for everyone.
The experts agree, though. When it is time to start dating again, don’t rush back to the altar. Date around for a while.
Regardless of how long you were married or if you have kids, below are some tips that can help you to get back into the swing of things again—the right way.
1. Figure Out What You Are Looking For
Even those that suffer through divorces that take years to resolve, it is still difficult to know what you are looking for in another person until you have spent some time with yourself first. After being married, you are used to one person. All of his or her mannerisms, good qualities, and bad.
What you might know for certain is what you don’t want to see repeated in your next partner.
Sure, go ahead and let loose a little bit if that’s what you want. When it is time for you to seriously date someone again, though, it is crucial that you understand what you are looking for while maintaining a realistic mindset.
There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. Your next partner will have their faults too, but it’s about finding someone whose faults you can bear and vice versa. Most importantly, the good times should always outweigh the bad.
2. Ease Into It
If you are new to the playing field, chances are, you will respond one of two ways. You will either fall for the first person you try to date, or you will end up dating around, being afraid to commit. It has been proven that how you feel at the beginning of a relationship is different from the love you experience in the later years.
Don’t let yourself get caught up with the infatuation of dating someone. Keep your feet on the ground and ease back into the dating scene.
Age isn’t an excuse either! There is no reason to rush into another relationship because you feel you are running out of time to meet someone new. Your time will come; there is no need to put a time stamp on anything.
Also, before you try to date someone in an effort to get over your ex, remember that this isn’t the greatest idea in the world. It is better to get to know yourself again, as a single person. This will help heal your broken heart better than any hot new date.
3. Feel Through Your Emotions
We all need time to heal after heartbreak, and giving yourself enough time and space to properly feel through your emotions after a divorce is one of the best things you can do. You are likely feeling a whole mixture of emotions if you are recently divorced. If you don’t allow yourself to feel through these emotions, you might carry them into your next relationship.
Maybe the divorce wasn’t your idea. If this is the case, you may need longer to process your feelings than others. One of the most important things to remember when you are going through a divorce is that healing is a nonlinear process. Some days you will feel better than others, and this is perfectly okay. Everyone heals in different ways and at different speeds. That said, you might want to wait to jump into the dating pool again until you are certain you have completely healed.
Not only that, but emotional suppression has long been thought to increase the risk of health issues in a person. One study conveyed that this link may actually be valid, though further tests are required to determine the nature between the emotions being suppressed and the health outcome it results in.
4. Times Have Changed: Your “Type” Probably Has Too
We all change as we get older. We like new things, buy new clothes, and even eat different foods. You can’t expect your type to be the same post-divorce.
Look at it from this way:
Do you want to date someone like your ex anyway?
Let’s be honest. It didn’t work out the first time. Rather than doing the same thing and expecting different results, *cough* definition of insanity *cough*, date someone outside of your comfort zone.
This doesn’t mean you should go out and try to find the person that is the polar opposite of your ex, but let this serve as a reminder to not stick yourself or your dates into a box. Besides, many people find that their true love was someone they least expected. Whether it is someone you’ve been friends with your entire life or someone you just met but didn’t seem to hit it off right away.
Remind yourself to stay open while dating. You might be surprised who you end up falling for when you let your guards and expectations fall away.
5. Be Honest With Yourself
Just because you two have chemistry, doesn’t mean you are meant to be. You have to figure out if you are dating for the right reasons. Generally, the first person you date after your divorce is dubbed the “rebound.” You might intentionally seek out a rebound. Yet, the chances are slim for your very next relationship to be a winner.
A good rule of thumb is if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. When you are dating soon after a divorce, it is better to keep a realistic perspective. Be honest with yourself and the person you are dating. Make sure you verbalize what you are looking for in the relationship, so no one is confused or hurt in the end.
On the other hand, you have to be honest with yourself when it comes to your ex as well. If you are moving on, chances are your ex is too, or will be soon enough. It is important that you treat your ex with the amount of respect you wish to be treated. After all, you are both just looking for happiness.
6. Don’t Be Naive
When you are fresh out of a marriage, you are inevitably rusty in the dating scene. Things have likely changed a lot since the last time you dated. It is also easy to let yourself fall for someone that does nice things for you, but you must keep your wits about you.
If you are going to have a successful relationship in the future, you have to know what red flags to watch out for. According to Jason Whiting, a professor at Texas Tech University, there are six red flags that indicate a relationship is going nowhere fast.
The six red flags are:
- A partner is emotionally distant
- Constant sarcasm or disrespect
- A loss of trust
- A partner that doesn’t compromise
- Reduced intimacy
- A manipulative partner
Aside from these warning signs, each person has their own set of red flags. These are characteristics that someone might have that you do not agree with. You must keep your personal red flags in mind as well, as these are likely to stand out to you more than the above-mentioned warning signs.
7. Make Room For Yourself
You are newly single. This is the time for you to grow as a person. Whoever you are with should respect this. If you can, though, take this time for yourself. Allow yourself the room to grow and to feel and to act and do whatever you feel is best.
When you were married, chances are, there were some things you wanted to do or say, but you held back for the sake of your partner. As a single person, you are being invited to take your power back. The last thing you probably want is someone criticizing you or influencing your decision-making skills.
Above all else, let yourself breathe. Everything happens for a reason, at the time it is meant to. If you want to spend your life happy with someone you love, you must first build that happiness for yourself. You cannot possibly love someone else until you love yourself, and you cannot love yourself until you have re-learned who you are as a single person.
8. It’s Okay to Take a Break
You have spent the necessary time needed to get over your ex, you have processed your feelings, and figured out what you are looking for in your next relationship. You have even started dating again. Except, now you’re second-guessing yourself and your new relationship.
First and foremost, you have to be honest with your partner about your feelings. Honesty is the only way to potentially save your new relationship in this situation.
You then might have to take a break. Again, the healing process looks different for everyone, but if a break is the best thing for you, you have to honor that. If your new partner is in it for the long haul, he will only want what is best for you. Remember that.
9. Don’t Feel Pressured to Introduce Him to Anyone
When you are married, your whole family knows and loves your husband. It can be hard to go to family functions shortly after your divorce. Introducing a new partner can be even more awkward.
Just because you think you found someone that could be in it for the long-term doesn’t mean you have to introduce your family to him right away. Your relationship is personal, and it only involves you and the person you are with. If you don’t want to introduce him to the family right away, that is your call and no one else’s, not even his. It goes both ways, though. If he doesn’t feel ready to introduce you to his family, you have to respect his feelings as well.
The beginning stages of a relationship are some of the most memorable. It is a time that is filled with getting to know the person you are falling in love with. This is a sacred time, and just because you’ve been married once before doesn’t mean you have to rush through this stage. Savor the sweetness and go at your own pace. As mentioned above, ease into it. This goes for taking that next step to introduce him to your family too.
10. If You Have Kids, Tell Him
This tip cannot be stressed enough. It goes for anything monumental in your life, though. You have to be fair to your partner. After all, how can you expect to find The One if you hide major parts of yourself in an effort to “win him over.”
For some people, having kids is a deal-breaker. If you have kids, you can’t date someone with this mindset. You are setting yourselves up for failure. Granted, it might not be advised to mention your kids on the very first date, but they should absolutely come up on the second or third dates.
It is not only what is best for your relationship, but it is best for your kids as well. Michael Ungar mentions for Psychology Today that whether we like to admit it or not, children of single parents are likely to experience some instability. That’s why the sooner you bring it up to your potential partner, the better it is for your kids too.
Entering the dating field after a divorce can lead to sticky situations. It is advised to hold off on dating anyone until your divorce is finalized. Not only that, but you are encouraged to allow yourself the time to process through your emotions as well.
If you have kids, dating after divorce can feel impossible. It is important to keep everything in perspective and to not rush into anything, including introducing your partner to your kids and family members. Be sure to maintain a level head as much as possible and to be clear with your potential new partner how you feel and what you are looking for in a relationship.
Honesty and open communication are two crucial tools to utilize when entering the dating field again. No matter what, though, remember to keep your best interest in mind and to have fun with it. You might not ever get this chance again!
