6 Strong Steps to Stop a Divorce
Divorce is something none of us really want. When we marry, we intend it to be forever and we expect a relationship that is fulfilling, sustainable, and fun.
You dream of a household built on a foundation of love, not resentment.
But then it happens - one day, your spouse announces they want a divorce. A divorce means life will be tipped upside down and everything will change. Your sense of normalcy, your home, and your stress level will be in a state of disarray and the pain will feel insurmountable.
Divorce is ranked as one of the top most emotionally disruptive events of someone's life.
Worst of all, the partner you promised to love forever will no longer be present in your life, leaving you feeling lost and alone.
According to marriage and relationship coach Dr. Jack Ito, there are only two scenarios wherein you cannot salvage your relationship in this case: when you two have no more contact whatsoever and when your ex-spouse has already committed to someone else.
Without losing all hope when the "D" word has been mentioned in a marriage, let's take a look at some ways to avoid or turn around this disruptive event.
In this article, we will explore 6 methods you can use to avoid a divorce you do not want.
Smother the urge to play victim
Psychology Today points out the importance of not feeling sorry for yourself. “How could you do this to me?” may express how you feel, but it’s likely to be a loser strategy for regaining your spouse’s affection.
Dr. Susan Heitler adds, “Guilting your partner into returning will just win back—if it wins anything—a depressed, ‘I hate being here again’ spouse. That's not a good alternative, nor a good strategy to stop a divorce in the long term.
To skip the ‘poor me’ phase, flip to ‘proud me.’ Remind yourself of the positive qualities you can bring to a marriage, and figure out how to show them in their full colors. Pretty soon, you’ll start believing in yourself more.”
Heitler adds, “Notice that I said ‘show,’ not ‘show and tell.’ Let your actions speak louder than your words. Save your words for appreciation of or open conversations with your spouse, not for comments about yourself. Flattery will get you everywhere; self-praise can be a turn-off.”
Speaking of appreciation, strong people give out lots of positivity. Smile at your partner. Laugh at their jokes. Express affection. Pay attention to and share your gratitude for good things your spouse has done.
Get to work on yourself
This article suggests, “When working with your partner to prevent a divorce, keep in mind that beginning with accusatory questions and statements will only make matters worse. This is why arguments within relationships only create further problems. They will not help solve the problems that initially instigated the fight.
Instead of pointing the finger, approach your spouse with a sense of self-accountability. By doing, so, both you and your partner can see both sides. Placing blame is completely counterproductive when working to prevent divorce.
While working through issues without placing blame, use positive reinforcement during your conversations to ensure your spouse is growing with you without feeling negative about you, themselves, or your marriage.”
In addition to holding yourself accountable and avoiding blame, you should also keep resentment or judgment away from sit-downs with your spouse, as these are two other issues that can lead to more conflict.
Remember, the only thing that you are responsible for within your marriage is yourself. If your partner is unable or unwilling to change, that is not your responsibility. The only thing that you can change to help the marriage is yourself, and that is what you should strive to do throughout you and your partner's attempts to heal the marriage.
Accept your partner's feelings
It's completely normal to feel panicked or defeated if your partner wants a divorce, but this doesn't mean that he or she won't come around. "In my marriage retreats, I frequently work with couples on the brink of divorce. One or both partners seem to have given up or arrive ambivalent about staying together," says therapist John Grey, Ph.D.
Dr. Grey adds, "A surprising majority of times, when I help them get to the root of their issues, things turn around, they remember their love for each other, and they want to stay together. In order for you to allow that to happen, the first step in the process is to accept that your partner wants out. You are both entitled to your own feelings, and it's crucial to accept his or her position without trying to change it.”
You cannot make someone love you. Take the time to work on bettering yourself as a person instead of putting a lot of wasted time and energy into expectations of your spouse.
Dr. John Gottman says, “Stop trying to fix your partner.” He recommends responding with empathy to understand where they are coming from. There are four ways to be more successful at this:
Listen without judgment.
Empathy is only possible when you have removed all preconceived ideas and judgments about your partner’s feelings and needs. When you assume responsibility for your partner’s feelings or take messages personally, you’re blaming and judging. Judgment of your partner’s experience is an attempt to protect yourself.
Look for feelings.
It’s easy to get swept away in the facts of what happened during the heat of a conflict discussion. This is where couples get stuck. They argue over who is “right,” and yet both views are valid. Being “rational” about the facts inhibits empathy because it invalidates emotions.
Climb into the hole.
Dr. Gottman refers to empathy as a mind meld. To attune to your partner requires the ability to experience their feelings on such a level that you almost become your partner. Empathy is so deeply connecting that it’s physical.
Summarize and validate.
When doing this, express that you respect your partner’s perspectives and feelings as natural and valid, even if they’re different from your own. Empathizing statements include “Of course you feel…” and “How could you not feel…”
Validating your partner’s perspective doesn’t require you to abandon your own. Empathizing shows that you understand why they have those feelings and needs.
Behind every complaint is a deep personal longing. When you realize this, it becomes a lot easier to make the choice to be empathetic instead of taking your partner’s complaint personally and defending yourself.
Rule out the idea of divorce
It is a damaging form of arguing, but many couples use the option to divorce as a threat. They may hope it will create changes in their partner or result in them receiving better treatment. Too often, the option of divorcing sounds like an easy out. It’s anything but.
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Cynthia Faulkner says you should never threaten divorce during heated conflicts. “The reason is that unless there is a rock-solid belief and understanding that both parties are committed to the relationship, and nothing (no argument, conflict, a difference of opinion, etc.) is ever going to break-up the partnership – it is difficult to feel secure”, says Faulkner.
Dr. Paul DePompo, board-certified cognitive behavioral therapist and author suggests, “A spouse should never use the D-word during an argument unless this is a serious consideration and is not being said in anger. The reason why it is harmful is that it opens up the door for divorce to be on the table."
He goes on to say, “This is traumatic in a sense because it brings the relationship from one that promises till death – to now to saying, ‘well maybe not-so-much'.”
Dr. DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a “protective mode” rather than a “problem-solving mode.” He recommends that couples should be vulnerable instead of defensive by targeting “the real hurt or fear that they are feeling which is hiding under their anger.”
Clarify what needs to change
Make a list of all the grievances or comments that your spouse has made to you that now, with hindsight, you can see were attempts to head off a divorce. List all the complaints, criticisms, and disagreements you can recall.
Dr. Susan Heitler says, “Check out the list with your spouse. Be sure you left nothing out—and at the same time, keep your tone neutral, as if you are just checking the list you're bringing to the grocery store. “No big deal; I’m just making sure my list is complete.” Don't play the victim—and no groveling, either.
Once you have your list, think back to your family of origin and determine if any of the behaviors originated from observing the behavior of someone else you grew up with. Was the behavior something you witnessed in your mom, your dad, or perhaps an older sibling?
The behaviors won't always have an easily identifiable source. But the more effectively you can identify where or why you might have learned certain negative behaviors, the more effectively you will be able to let go of them and replace each habit with a far better one.
Then, map a plan of action for fixing every item on your list.”
Believe it or not, this activity will ultimately make you feel better. It will give you something over which you can control.
Spend more quality time together
Marriage.com notes, “There are a lot of couples who are not happy in their marriage simply because they don’t feel like they relate to one another anymore. This can happen when things like financial pressures, hectic schedules and their children’s needs take precedence over spending time with one another.
Going on dates, taking vacations, making sex a priority in your marriage are not luxuries. In order for a marriage to be healthy so that it can last, these are necessities. It’s absolutely imperative that you and your spouse spend quality time with one another and, if need be, seek out solutions to divorce.”
It’s too easy to let the animosity and resentment that has accumulated over years keep you from spending quality time together. This is the worst time to stay apart.
The editors at Divorce Magazine say you should “Make time to connect lovingly with your spouse every day. A couple can significantly improve their chances of marital success by devoting as little as 15 minutes a day exclusively to each other.
For instance, you could wake up a little earlier, and spend the extra time in bed cuddling, making love, and reaffirming your love for each other. Take time every day to have meaningful conversations with each other; to listen with the same intensity as when you were dating; to touch, hug, and show affection; to tell each other how you feel about your marriage; and to talk about your goals for the marriage and your lives.
Takeaway
Paul Friedman, Founder of The Marriage Foundation, says “It is much easier to repair your marriage and make it good. Divorce causes pain and continues on painfully for a very long time, even if you initiated it.”
Friedman recommends doing the following:
Stop everything!
Take a look at your current situation with as much objectivity as you can muster.
Evaluate the conditions.
What needs the most attention and healing, and what needs leaving alone.
Act with wisdom.
Stop being pettily reactive and start healing your marital relationship. No blaming, no excuses for the past (apologies are acceptable), and get to work.
Even though you desperately try to figure out how to avoid divorce, sometimes it’s impossible to change your spouse’s mind. You can go to counseling and talk to friends and mentors. You can try separation and then reconciliation. All to no avail. Every time you think that your spouse has finally realized what a mistake divorce would be, you find out that they are still on a path that will definitely lead to divorce regardless of anything you say or do.
When your spouse tells you they are not happy and want a divorce, people usually immediately think first about “how to stop my spouse from divorcing me!” They usually frantically try to save the marriage even when the spouse wants out. The reality is that sometimes we shouldn’t stop divorce.
Most of us know that abuse is unacceptable in any marriage. But sadly, women often adapt to all kinds of abuse without even realizing it. We make excuses for him. We protect our kids from him. We keep trying to appease him. We walk on eggshells. We keep the abuse to ourselves. DON’T DO ANY OF THAT!
Divorce is sometimes the only way to be safe and to have a productive, good, fulfilling life if you are married to any kind of an abuser. And by the way, do not avoid divorce “because of the children!” Abuse of any kind is not only unhealthy for us, it’s also unhealthy for our kids, no matter what age they are. It’s unhealthy if they themselves are experiencing abuse. It’s also unhealthy if they see us being abused and refusing to stop it.
Sometimes, by the time we realize anything is wrong, our partners have already mentally left the marriage and there is little we can do to stop a divorce. At that point, moving through your grief and coming to accept your situation is the only thing you can do.
