How to Find Out What You Want in a Relationship
Think of your life as a great experiment. Each day you collect data on yourself and your surroundings. What does that information tell you?
You can interpret the data to determine your desires, including what you want from a relationship. That analysis requires you to reflect on yourself, your romantic relationships, wider communities, and the culture you come from. And these categories also aren't entirely separate—reflecting on one can unlock secrets in the other.
For each of the four categories below, there are three research-based questions to ask yourself. Inspiring your own curiosity can help you connect with your goals in a romantic relationship.
Understand Yourself
1. What are your values and beliefs?
In 2015, Mandy Len Catron wrote a piece for the New York Times’ “Modern Love” column that described how she met her partner. On their first date, they tried an experiment. They asked each other the personal questions that one psychologist used in a study about how people fall in love.
The goal was to develop intimacy by sharing with and learning about each other. But Catron observed that she also “liked learning about [her]self” by answering the 36 questions.
Some questions are designed to be collaborative, like one that asks you to describe which qualities you and your partner seem to share. However, some invite you to think about yourself in ways you might not otherwise. For example: “For what in your life do you feel most grateful?”
There are also questions that require you to parse your feelings about your mother, explain what you value most in friendship, and decide whether you would welcome fame. By asking yourself these questions before you share with a potential partner, you can do the work of becoming more intimate with who you are.
2. What do you find funny?
Humor is a reliable barometer for both shared values and level of attraction.
In fact, one of the 36 questions mentioned above asks if you believe there is anything too serious to be joked about. Your answer to that question will tell you something about how and why you set boundaries. It could also help you understand the identity politics that matter most to you. (For instance, some might draw a line at jokes about sexual assault, race, or disability.)
The type of jokes you make may also reveal what you feel about the person you’re with on a date. Dr. Theresa DiDonato suggests that “flirtatious-teasing” jokes, which rely on the self or another person as the punchline, are more likely to indicate a short-term interest in the other.
By contrast, situational humor includes “positive jokes” that show interest in a deeper and longer connection. This could include joking about the awkwardness of dating or the absurdity of a work environment. Pay attention to your humor (and your date’s humor) to cue into what you want and determine if your date can provide it.
3. What are your deal-breakers?
Deal-breakers are “qualities that would disqualify someone as a dating prospect.” Some of us may not want to adopt too many strict deal-breakers while others feel fine about assembling on a long list of them. Either way, most of us have a few.
Among adults in committed relationships, lack of personal hygiene was the most common deal-breaker. Laziness was a close second. Other mismatches might occur around humor, sex, or sense of propriety.
Still other relationship no-gos may not have to do with character so much as practicality. Distance, for instance, was a deal-breaker for almost half of people surveyed. Desire to have children would be another factor for long-term relationships.
In general, your deal-breakers will matter most for long-term commitments. Deal-makers, or things you want to see in a romantic relationship, will matter more for short-term connections. As such, you’ll develop a better sense of your deal-breakers through dating, and these will shift according to the type of relationship you’re seeking.
Study Your Romantic Relationships
1. What types of relationships have you had?
Though there are many ways to define your relationship, some scientists define four distinct commitment types.
The couples most likely to break up were classified “dramatic,” and “conflict ridden” relationships were also likely to dissolve. More “socially involved” partners reported positive attitudes about joint social interaction, but “partner focused” relationships were the likeliest to last.
Consider your past or current relationships. Are they characterized by fighting? Are your shared friends central to your connection? Do you prioritize your partner above all else? These tendencies will help you understand how your past choices influence relationship longevity.
If you desire a different relationship model from the ones you’ve had, you can try one of the other patterns to see how that affects your love life.
2. What did you love the most about your past partners?
Relationships that have ended still have a lot to teach us about what works. When considering your favorite aspects of past relationships, experts recommend putting aside the feeling of love.
By reflecting on other qualities within the relationship, you can determine what has the potential to keep your relationship alive when the neurochemical reaction of romantic love has shifted. Trust, respect, communication, and balance are all elements that you might find important. Lack of any one of these qualities may become a deal-breaker for you.
Perhaps it’s not a relationship trait that you have valued but the room your best relationships have for your personal growth. Even if you and your ex were sexually incompatible, he may have fostered your sense of independence or encouraged you to cultivate your own tastes and interests. This could be a quality that sustains your next partnership.
3. Why did your last relationships end?
You probably have stories about past relationships. Because your love didn’t last, these stories probably also include details that spell out its doom.
Dr. Lisa Firestone proposes rewriting your breakup story to learn about your role in the relationship and heal from any trauma. For example, she asks that you cultivate awareness of self-critical language or fantasization of the relationship.
It’s tempting to focus on your ex in a breakup story. You might obsess about what they were thinking or their motivations. It can also be easier to tell a story about your partner—he was emotionally unavailable or lazy, etc.—rather than center yourself.
When you journal about the relationship or tell the story to others, consider your own motivations, responses, and identity within the relationship. This will give you a sense what patterns in the relationship you would not want to repeat. It will also empower you to make changes.
Involve Your Social Network
1. How can you use social media to meet new people?
Along with the question of what you want in a relationship is how you find it. And often where you choose to look reveals what you want.
An estimated 25 million people in the United States widen their social network by incorporating dating apps. Some apps, like Tinder or Grindr, are designed for more short-term connections that could lead to something more. Others, like Hinge, are geared more toward long-term commitment.
Sometimes you may be looking for very specific attributes in a partner to match your own lifestyle. Apps like Lumen are designed for people over 50 who are more likely to be divorced in later life.
Try a few that fit your goals (or lack thereof) and see what you learn.
2. Which communities are most important to you?
Instead of using a dating app to meet potential partners, you might find romantic connections within your existing community. This community might consist of religious groups, social groups, hobby groups, or roommates.
Sourcing from your social network may create an extra layer of support for your relationship. Keep in mind, however, that it can also contribute to higher levels of enmeshment. In the latter case, it may become difficult to set relationship boundaries if your relationship is involved in multiple facets of your life.
In fact, some research suggests that marital quality is best when community involvement is “intermediate.” This fosters a more partner-focused connection and allows more personal space for you as an individual.
If a specific belief is important to you, connection within your community may support that. At the same time, dating within your social group can help you understand the boundaries that are most important to you moving forward.
3. What do your friends think?
Your friends’ input can help you see when a relationship is “off,” even if the reason isn’t clear. If you trust your friend group, their perceptions can push you toward what you want.
In a 2012 study, researchers found that friends’ approval of a relationship depends upon how much satisfaction they think you receive from it. Therefore, your friends can help you see blind spots in your love life.
Perhaps your mood is consistently low or you repeatedly cite certain issues in your relationship. Your friends pick up on this. Consider their feedback, especially if your social network is a major source of stability for you.
Decide Where Your Love Life "Fits In"
1. Are traditional institutions important to you?
There are five major social institutions: family, government, economy, education, and religion. These are all means of controlling individuals according to a system of values.
Overlap exists among the institutions. For example, marriage lies at the intersection of family, government, and sometimes religion. The marriage industry also involves the economy. The dominant culture also instills a preference for the nuclear family, homeownership, and the assignment of certain types of labor to women and others to men.
By reading about the origins of these institutions and why some may choose against them, you can discover what matters to you. For instance, Mandy Len Catron (whose NY Times op-ed popularized the 36 questions to fall in love discussed above) also wrote a 2019 piece that explores the case against marriage.
After you know where you stand relative to traditional institutions, you’ll find it easier to connect with people who share these values.
2. How conventional are you?
Amy Gahran’s book Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator recognizes that love is not one-size-fits-all. You may not be someone who strives for marriage, monogamy, or cohabitation.
According to Gahran, the typical “relationship escalator” includes sexual and romantic exclusivity and merging infrastructure and identity. Even if romantic monogamy suits you, you may feel at odds with these expectations. Maybe you do not want to merge finances with your partner, or you want to explore marriage that is “open” to other sexual partners.
Traditional romance narratives also teach us that relationships progress in a linear fashion. If they are working well, one thing follows another systematically. However, this may not be the case for all relationships. Some may experience fluctuations. Perhaps a relationship opens to accommodate long distance, then looks different when partners are reunited. Many variations are possible.
As you date, you may encounter others with ideas about relationships that challenge your own. This exposure is important because through it, you learn where your practices feel aligned with your values. Then, you can seek the partners with a similar relationship vision.
3. Where does your relationship fall in your hierarchy of values?
Another way a relationship conforms to the dominant culture is by being dyadic, or involving two people. Partnerships that involve sex and romance are the center of most love stories we see in television, movies, music, and other media. On top of that, other connections like friendships are seen as “less than” in the relationship hierarchy.
Swedish writer Annie Nordgren outlines a manifesto for “relationship anarchy” that decenters sex and romance from intimacy. She proposes that no relationship is more desirable or more important than another. Instead Nordgren writes that “love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.”
According to this philosophy, not only is there no relationship hierarchy but strict definitions of relationships are resisted. If you are partner-focused and this seems extreme, that’s great! You’ve discovered something about what you want.
But if you feel frustrated by the cultural obsession with labels and feel equally committed to your friends and your partners, this lifestyle could be a doorway to your truest desires.sp
