4 Guys Open Up About What It’s Like to Date After Divorce in Your 20s
For anyone that has the misfortune of being divorced in your 20s, life doesn't have to be as bleak as it might seem right now. Four guys share their stories about getting divorced in their twenties, and you'll be surprised by what they have to say
No matter what you might think right now, you don't have to be shoved into a box because you loved someone, and it didn't work out. It is 2020, and the world is in the era of dating apps and casual relationships. That doesn't say much for the divorce rate because still nearly half of all marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. That's one statistic that hasn't changed much over the years.
In other words, people are used to it! Dating after divorce doesn't have to be difficult or scary. It can be a liberating experience. Just read what these four guys have to say as they open up about what it's like to date after divorce in your 20s.
1. The Silver Lining
"I was married at 28 and divorced at 29. I remarried at 32, and my current wife is expecting our first child. It hurt going through the divorce, but it was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me. My current wife is an absolute gem. She is smarter than I am, independently successful, and better looking than I am. I have no regrets jumping back into the dating pool quickly and rebooting, but I was lucky to find a great match so quickly.
Divorce sucked. There's nothing good about it when you're going through it, but I think there are silver linings that can be learned from my situation when I look back on it.
Silver Lining #1 - I got to learn from my failure. I absolutely could have been a better husband. I could have been a better communicator. I could have been more spontaneous. I could have dated her more during the marriage. I could have done many things, but I also now realize that it wasn't all on me.
Silver Lining #2 - I got to see my friends and family show up for me. This was truly humbling, but seemingly everyone who meant something to me was there to be a shoulder to cry on or a friendly person to talk to.
Silver Lining #3 - It was a character revealer. I hated the whole situation and felt like an absolute failure at the time. I think that character is revealed when times are bad, not when they are good, and I now look back with some pride about how I handled it. I never spoke badly about my ex to any of our friends or family. I never leaned on any substances to help me get through the pain. I made sure I didn't let my job performance suffer. My ex really melted down publicly, and it was heartbreaking to see."
Posted to Reddit by user: teejay_612
2. The Military Boredom
"Mine is a typical one in the military. I go away to war, and she gets bored. There are other factors at play, such as our ages and our differences in upbringing. She came from a family where her parents were divorced, where I did not. So, of course, she did not see marriage as something you work on nearly as much as I did, but there you have it.
She was four years younger. We married in my early 20s. We didn't know shit. I tried marriage two more times. I wish I would have stayed a bachelor.
Because life is a constantly evolving experience, your marriage -- if you choose to have one -- has to evolve too; otherwise, one or both of you inevitably become very bored and tired of one another. A lot of people want the perfect relationship, but how could they possibly know what that is? Every five to ten years, your tastes and desires change.
In the days of our grandparents and great grandparents, you pick somebody that you were fairly certain you could always live with and then try really hard to stay together as you both change, hoping that love is strong enough to get you through.
These days somebody will leave you just because you chose the wrong fabric softener or ate the last chip."
Posted to Reddit by user: Twysted_Irish
3. The Co-Parents
"I was married at 22 and divorced by 26. We had three kids in that four-year time span. She left me for someone, which hurt really bad. It was tough. She remarried shortly after we divorced and had another kid, which didn't turn out to be as bad as it might sound.
After a hard year of bitterness and fighting, we gave each other a break and split custody 50/50. We came to a reasonable support agreement and went our separate ways.
We get along. It wasn't always easy, it took years of effort, but it was best for the kids as well as for us. Absolutely no ill will these days, eleven years on.
I'm now remarried and had one more kiddo. We are all co-parenting, and it's working out. We respect each other, even if we don't always agree on everything. We invite each other for holiday dinners and birthday parties and that sort of stuff. We all get along.
What do I think about love, divorce, and all that?
It's what you make of it. If you want to fight and hate each other, you can do that -- or not. If you want to write off all women as evil, you can do that -- or not. It's what you make of it."
Posted to Reddit by user: StickyDogJefferson
4. The Guy That Left It All Behind
"I went through my second divorce about 3-4 years ago (it's a drawn-out process in North Carolina), and it was really rough on me at the time. I was an absolute emotional wreck. I am now the happiest and most financially secure I've been in my entire life, and it's been really good for a couple of years now. I'm just going to list some of the things that helped me through it in no particular order.
Even though my ex and I are still on friendly terms, I removed her and all of our common friends as social media contacts. Not that I don't like any of them, but I wasn't in a place where seeing anything from or about her was helpful to me. At that point, my only friends in Charlotte were the guys I'd been playing poker with on the occasional weekend and who I'd met through Reddit.
I joined some meetup groups and went to parties/events posted by local Redditors and in Facebook groups. I did try going to a meetup for divorcees and people going through a divorce, but it felt forced and kind of depressing.
I'm fairly introverted, but I worked at making friends like it was my job. I would introduce myself to people, and if they seemed cool, I'd add them on Facebook later that night when I got home. As far as conversation goes, I'm not a great conversationalist, but that's okay because there are plenty of people out there who just want someone to listen to them.
After getting to know a few people, I set up my own events. Potlucks, trivia nights at bars, movie nights, poker games - whatever seemed like a good idea. Somebody has to kick these things off. You don't have to be the life of the party to initiate the party. Trivia nights are actually where I wound up turning some newfound acquaintances into friends.
Ok Cupid and Tinder were fun as far as window-shopping went, but weren't great in terms of getting any sort of dating life going. They're good as a conversation topic, though.
I would counsel that I first thought that as a parent, I'd pretty much be restricted to dating other single parents - that was just dumb. I have one kid and don't need any more. He's a part of my life, but I am now able to have a full life outside of him as well. My girlfriend has no kids and doesn't want any, and that's actually been a blessing I didn't expect.
Professionally, I've switched jobs a few times, always for the better. I actually felt a lot freer to take a contract job, which led to a significant increase in pay scale, and now I'm a full-time employee making a lot more than I was before.
As far as my relationship with my kid goes, it is definitely much better because I'm far less stressed-out. I do pay child support, but it's not so bad that it keeps me from being able to do things. My retirement fund is decimated, but that's because I raided it for a down payment on a house. I didn't really make it out of the divorce with any savings, but all in all, I can't complain because my quality of life is infinitely better, not being in a terrible marriage."
Posted to Reddit by user: newsedition
Everyone has a story that is unique to them. When it's all said and done, though, you will come out alive. You will rise up stronger than you were before your divorce. Divorce can be a time of immense growth and transformation if you so choose to engulf yourself in such a journey.
And dating after divorce doesn't have to be awkward or something to fear. Keep your chin up, and your heart open. Whether you choose to find another long-term relationship or a set of short flings, the right girl(s) is out there. You just have to find her.
