The 8 Keys to Great Sex in a Relationship
The quality of your sex life is often a key factor in the satisfaction you feel in your relationship. But figuring out how to improve your sex life can sometimes feel like navigating a labyrinth. You don’t want to offend your partner by telling them your sex life isn’t as good as you’d hoped, but you also want to experience the joy of great sex. Luckily, there are steps you and your partner can take to boost your sex life to the next level.
The Importance of Good Sex
Having frequent, satisfying sexual encounters is important for both relationship satisfaction and overall life satisfaction, according to research. Sex is considered more important to overall happiness than many other common factors, such as having solid social connections. Sex is also one of the best predictors of in-the-moment happiness. The positive effects of sexual satisfaction are direct and immediate.
Sexual satisfaction is crucial to relationship satisfaction. In fact, they are directly correlated to one another. This means that people who are happy with the quality of the sex they are having with their partners also feel happy with the quality of their relationship.
Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne says,
Sex seems not only beneficial because of its physiological or hedonic effects, but because it promotes a stronger and more positive connection with the partner. Over time, such experiences build to strengthen the bonds between partners, meaning that their long-term relationship satisfaction is bolstered as well.
These effects extend to the experience of one’s partner because, as shown when partners' responses were analyzed in terms of their effects on each other, when one person draws emotional benefits from sex, their partner’s relationship satisfaction is also promoted over time.
1. Work Up a Sweat
Rolling around in the sheets can be fraught with leg cramps, trouble catching your breath, and general exhaustion. Sex is a workout, plain and simple. If sex is the only exercise you are getting, you’re bound to leave every session burnt out and sore. Since sex and exercise use many of the same muscle groups, incorporating workouts into your regular routine can up your sex game quite a bit.
Heading out for a run or hitting the gym regularly increases your endurance and boosts your confidence. It also reduces stress, increases blood flow circulation, and increases your flexibility and strength. All of these factors will increase your sexual performance in the bedroom.
Dr. Maryanne Fisher says,
Exercise that is performed over a sustained time leads to a so-called "runner's high," caused by the release of endorphins. These endorphins are stimulating, and as well as causing us to feel great, they stimulate the release of sex hormones.
The added bonus is that exercise causes us to feel better. It elevates our mood and creates a feeling of calmness (albeit after we have had a chance to cool off and relax). The lowering of heart rate, improved digestion, lowered blood pressure, and lowered stress hormone levels combined with the feelings of well being caused by the endorphins.
2. Incorporate Novelty into Your Life
If you feel like the quality of your sex life decreases the longer you’ve been with your partner, you might be struggling with a lack of novelty in your relationship. Experiencing new things with your partner can open your eyes to all of the things you have yet to learn about them and, in turn, take you both back to the intoxicating honeymoon stage of your relationship.
Dr. Helen Fisher says,
Research shows that novelty—taking risks or trying something new—can trigger the release of dopamine in the brain. I'm not just talking about novelty in the bedroom (although that would be a good start). You can get the same effect from sampling a new type of cuisine together or riding the roller coaster at an amusement park.
A few ways you can incorporate novelty into your relationship include:
- Adrenaline chase with an activity like white water rafting, bungee jumping, or skydiving
- Embrace your inner child together by playing laser tag, going to a trampoline park, or spending an afternoon at a water park
- Tackle a new physical activity like ice skating, Roller Blading, or rock climbing
- Take a class together like salsa dancing or cooking your favorite cuisine
- Explore nature together with a beautiful hike, kayaking, or a tandem bike ride
- Put your cooperation skills to the test with an escape room
- Get dirty with a mud run or back roading on a four-wheeler
3. Explore Fantasies Together
As you and your partner share fantasies with each other, be clear about what you might want to try out and what you would prefer to just talk about. For example, if your partner admits that they find a coworker sexy, you probably shouldn’t immediately look up the company directory to get their phone number.
There’s a difference between disclosures and to-do lists. Your partner will reveal more fantasies and turn-ons if they have faith in your ability to respect their limits — and vice versa. If you want to hear more of your partner’s fantasies, don’t push them to enact what they don’t want to. And if you want to have fun sharing more of your own fantasies, don’t push your partner to enact what they aren’t yet comfortable with.
4. Embrace Gentle Touch
If “Gentle” and “Slow” is not a part of the vocabulary of your sex life, you might want to incorporate these terms. While sex is often portrayed as passionate and fast in the media, gentle touch can be a powerful tool in the bedroom.
Slow and gentle touch leads to a calming feeling that decreases partners’ heart rates and makes them feel more intimately connected than fast, rough touch. This kind of touch triggers the release of the hormone “oxytocin”, often referred to as the “cuddle” hormone. It enhances our bond with our significant others and makes us feel closer to them.
Dr. Romeo Vitelli says,
The sensation of being touched can produce a wide range of physiological and biochemical changes in the body including decreased heart rate and blood pressure as well as reduced cortisol and increased oxytocin.
MRI studies have also shown that gentle touching can activate key areas of the brain including the orbitofrontal and caudate cortex. Gentle touching also leads to changes in the brain's serotonin levels which may help explain why massaging can relieve pain.
5. Discuss What You Like
Communication is a solid foundation for any relationship but it can be surprisingly difficult to communicate about sex. Cultural taboo makes discussing what goes on behind that bedroom door often feel uncomfortable.
Because of this many couples find it difficult to voice the things they dislike about their sex life with their partner. Having conversations outside of the bedroom about what you do and do not like during sex can take your sex life from “meh” to “mind-blowing.”
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Lisa Thomas advises,
The sensation of being touched can produce a wide range of physiological and biochemical changes in the body including decreased heart rate and blood pressure as well as reduced cortisol and increased oxytocin.
MRI studies have also shown that gentle touching can activate key areas of the brain including the orbitofrontal and caudate cortex. Gentle touching also leads to changes in the brain's serotonin levels which may help explain why massaging can relieve pain.
6. Recognize the Power of Solo Sex
To have great sex with your partner, you need to understand your own body and hwo you need to be touched during sex. The best way to explore these things is through solo sex. Despite the stigma associated with masturbation, engaging in this act regularly can be very beneficial for your sex life. In fact, sex therapists often explore masturbation as a treatment option for individuals or couples experiencing sexual difficulties.
Masturbation can also be a great tool to take advantage of within the bedroom. Showing your partner how you prefer to be touched will help them love you better and make your sex life immensely more satisfying.
Dr. Neel Burton says,
People who masturbate more are more sexually driven, and mutual masturbation is likely to increase the frequency and variety of sexual contact. Both in the performance and in the observation, masturbation can teach partners about each other’s pleasure centers, proclivities, and particularities. If one partner is more sexually driven than the other, as is often the case, masturbation can provide him or her with a balancing outlet.
7. Coach Each Other
Communicating what you do and do not like during sex outside of the bedroom can be very beneficial for your relationship. However, communication without followthrough is just that: talk. This is why it’s important to take the things you have discussed outside of the bedroom and put that knowledge to work.
The best way to do this is through coaching during sex. Sex coaching should be done in a kind and non-critical way. This can be done through gentle suggestions tied into compliments or non-verbal affirmation. Make it clear before having sex that you both will be coaching throughout so you can check in with each other about what’s working and what’s not.
Sex Research Journalist Michael Castleman advises,
A slow pace also contributes to productive coaching. When sex unfolds slowly, there’s plenty of time to check in about how things feel and how you want them to progress… If you feel reluctant or unable to coach using whole sentences, here's a simple, effective, one-word remedy.
When you enjoy what’s happening, simply say ‘yes’ or ‘oh.’ When you don’t, remain silent. That’s all there is to it—and it works. Over a few months, just saying “yes” is quite likely to get you more of what you want and less of what you don’t.
8. Take a Sex Class Together
Having great sex with your partner is a skill the two of you develop together and what better way to improve a skill than to take a class on it? Sex classes range across the board on topics. You can find a class that deep dives into a specific sex position, teaches how to experiment with bondage, or even one that coaches you on how to talk dirty. These classes can be found on commonly used platforms like Facebook or Eventbrite.
If classes aren’t your cup of tea, consider dropping by the sexuality section of your local bookstore with your partner and scanning the titles for something that catches your interest. Browsing this section can open your eyes to the things you and your partner are into that you may not have known. Check out a sex positions book and the next time you’re feeling frisky, flip to a random page.
Another option is using the internet to your advantage and research the kind of things you would learn in a class or book there. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, consider watching a few sex videos with your partner to put you both in the mood.
Great sex can sometimes seem like an elusive fantasy you and your partner will never be able to consistently achieve. However, with novelty, a willingness to experiment, and a healthy dose of communication, you and your partner can put the “ahhhh” in “amazing.”
