8 Honest Reasons Why Long-term Relationships Can End Quickly After Marriage
It can seem romantic when a long-term couple finally decides to tie the knot. It’s easy to imagine that their marriage will be a breeze. After all, they know everything there is to know about each other. They’ve spent years growing together. Sometimes in the case of high school sweethearts, they’ve even grown up together.
A 2006 study explored this theory. The study found that marriages were the most stable after the couples had dated for 2 years. Couples whose courtships lasted longer felt less happy in the marriages.
In this article, I’ll be looking at why this could be the case. It's not always easy to let go of the fantasy of a perfect marriage. But some long-term couples face some harsh realities once they get married.
1. Couples hesitated for a reason
Research shows that people make decisions about marriage surprisingly fast. It could take as little as 172 days to decide whether you want to marry your partner. That means that couples know how they feel about marriage within 6 months of dating.
So, why do some couples continue to wait years before tying the knot?
It’s possible that couples stall on purpose. They may feel as if their partner isn’t marriage material.
Arielle Kuperberg is a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina. In her experience, courtships that last longer than 5 years don’t result in happy marriages. She believes this is because long-term couples hesitate on marriage for a reason. Deep down, they know they aren’t compatible.
The bottom line:
It’s likely that long-term couples have thought about marriage for many years. But they still choose to wait a long time before tying the knot. In some cases, couples hesitate because they have valid reasons why they don't want to get married.
2. Couples think marriage will fix their problems
Some long-term couples see marriage as a way to reset their relationship. They hope that marriage will make their relationship healthier and more stable.
For example, a person dating someone who cheats may hope that marriage will make them faithful. Or a person who feels their partner is childish may hope that marriage will help them mature.
Seeing marriage as a magic fix is problematic. Couples often end up feeling disillusioned and disappointed.
Dr. Lara Friedrich is a psychologist who specializes in working with newlyweds. She believes couples who use marriage to try to fix their problems get divorced quickly. This is because a wedding is never going to shift the dynamic in a relationship.
Many struggling couples see marriage as their last resort. When marriage doesn't solve their problems, they realise it’s time to break up.
The bottom line:
If a relationship is already struggling, marriage isn’t going to change that. Long-term couples who hope that marriage will transform their relationships are usually disappointed. This can lead to quick divorces.
3. Couples were overly affectionate before they got married
Long-term couples have experienced loads of romantic moments together. After years of dating, they may become accustomed to their partner bringing them coffee every morning. They may even get used to receiving elaborate gifts.
Getting married after many happy years of romance may seem like a positive thing. But for some couples, it can lead to problems. This is because some long-term couples feel as if there’s nothing exciting left to do after marriage. They feel as if they’ve run out of ways to be romantic because they’ve already tried it all.
Partners who don’t feel wooed by their spouse’s romantic gestures may start to feel bored. On the other hand, partners who want to woo their spouses may feel immense pressure. They might feel as if they've run out of ways to spice things up.
A study published in 2001 explored various marital issues. It found that overly affectionate couples were more likely to get divorced. This is because partners started to feel as if their romantic gestures went unnoticed after marriage. This made them feel less desirable.
The bottom line:
Long-term couples have experienced many years of love and affection. Some couples may struggle to find new ways to show romance once they get married. This may make the marriage feel stale and boring, which could lead to divorce.
4. Couples have learned to avoid conflict
Not all long-term couples stay together for the right reasons. Sometimes relationships last because couples avoid conflict. Without conflict, they never feel as if they have a valid reason to break up.
Avoiding conflict altogether may delay a breakup. But it’s not a healthy way to deal with problems. This is because couples need to learn to express their feelings. This includes negative feelings like anger and sadness.
Psychologists explored this theory in a 2012 study. They found that couples who had fewer conflicts at the beginning of their relationship were less likely to have successful marriages.
This is because couples who avoid conflict don’t learn how to have healthy, honest conversations. Bottling up their feelings could lead to them feeling resentful and frustrated. This may cause marriages to unravel.
The bottom line:
Some couples manage to avoid breaking up by avoiding confrontation. But this is not a healthy reason to stay together in the long-term. When married, these couples will continue to struggle to express their feelings. This could be a reason why some long-term couples get divorced.
5. Couples felt pressured to get married
Many long-term couples choose to get married because they’re comparing themselves to others. They feel pressured to follow the same relationship path as their friends and family.
This could be exacerbated by social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram. Social media usually only shows us the best snippets of someone’s life. But it may cause couples to try to make their relationships look as flawless as the ones they see online.
Feeling pressured to get married puts unnecessary strain on a relationship. It is like relationship experts Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola say "comparison is the thief of joy". Sometimes couples who succumb to this pressure end up sabotaging their marriages.
Peer pressure isn’t the only type of pressure that long-term couples face. Sometimes couples feel pressured by their own expectations and timelines.
Many people want to feel as if they have their ducks in a row before they get married. Once they reach a certain age or pass certain milestones, they feel like marriage is the next logical step.
Feeling this pressure is common for couples in their late twenties and early thirties. This is because it’s believed that the best age for starting a family is from 28 to 32.
Couples may feel it’s the right time to get married. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that they are marrying the right person. A long-term couple who’s pressured each other into tying the knot may end up feeling like they’ve made a mistake.
The bottom line:
Long-term couples may compare themselves to others. This might make them feel peer pressured into getting married. They may also put pressure on themselves. They do this because they want to tick marriage off on their list of milestones.
This becomes problematic when a marriage starts to feel compulsory rather than voluntary. If a couple doesn’t actually want to get married, it’s likely that they’ll get divorced.
6. Couples bring years of baggage into their marriages
Long-term relationships can be filled with many years of happy moments. But they’re also filled with instances of anger and disappointment. Some couples struggle to move past negative experiences.
Debra Macleod is a relationship and marriage coach. She says that “the longer you wait to get married, the more relationship baggage you bring into the marriage”. This leads to long-term couples starting their marriage on the backfoot. They already have a lot of issues to fight about before married life has even begun.
Sherry Amatenstein is a New York-based marriage therapist. She believes that she can tell within 10 minutes whether a couple is going to get divorced.
One of the major red flags that she looks out for is grudge-holding. This is because she believes holding a grudge is toxic for a marriage. Some partners start to resent that they are always being blamed for their previous mistakes. Other couples get into “blood boiling” fights about all the ways their partners have wronged them.
Some long-term couples have had more time to create grudges and let them fester. This results in their marriages being difficult from the outset.
The bottom line:
Long-term couples may bring unresolved issues into their marriages. The grudges they hold towards their partners may lead to them getting divorced.
7. Couples stop going on dates
Dates are a great way to spend quality time with your partner. They often make you feel as if your partner is excited to be with you.
When you’re in a relationship, going on dates is often a part of the courtship process. It becomes a way to show your partner you care. Couples in a long-term relationship have had many years of dating one another.
Once long-term couples get married, they may stop going on dates. This is because dating stops being an automatic part of their relationship. This is according to Dr. Tina Tessina. She believes that the newness of marriage wears off fast.
This is when couples start to feel as if their relationship isn’t romantic or exciting anymore. Couples who lose their spark could end up getting divorced.
The bottom line:
Sometimes long-term couples stop going on dates after they get married. This may lead to them falling into unromantic routines. Couples may end up feeling undervalued and underwhelmed in their marriages, leading to divorce.
8. Couples didn't really think marriage would make them happy
Some long-term couples don’t trust their gut when it comes to deciding whether to get married. Deep down, they don’t think they’ll have a happy marriage. But they choose to get married anyway.
A study on marriage explored the implications of this behavior. The research found that people who expected to be happy in their marriage were more committed. They were willing to put more work into their marriage in order for it to succeed. The study also noted that they were at a lower risk of divorce.
This shows that couples who don’t think they’ll be happy in their marriages are more likely to get divorced.
The bottom line:
Long-term couples may not have high hopes for the future of their marriage. They may not really believe that they’ll be happy. This might stop them from investing in the marriage. When they don’t put effort into the marriage, they’re more likely to get divorced.
To conclude:
Some long-term couples go on to have fulfilling, successful marriages. For others, marriage is less like a fairytale and more like a final resort.
It’s important for couples to be honest with themselves. This will help them to see whether they got married for the right reasons. You’ll often find that long-term couples who get divorced didn’t actually want to get married. They felt pressured into the decision, or they were looking for a way to fix or change their relationship.
Do you agree with the points I made in this article? Why else do you think long-term couples divorce quickly after marriage? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
