3 Reasons Why You Should Never Feel Ashamed of Your Divorce
Social stigma occurs when people face judgment and discrimination for a trait that sets them apart. Women have often felt shame due to divorce.
Why does divorce stigma exist? Dr. Laurie Essig writes that marriage conveys social class and status, especially for the wealthier and more educated members of the population. If marriage is a marker of social success, divorce is “social dirt.” There is a fear of social contagion—will the stain of my friend’s divorce rub off on my marriage?
Although some of these attitudes are outdated, they have formed a cultural bias that influences research. Because the questions asked about divorce may assume negative outcomes, scientific study reinforces negative stereotypes. Then, children and adults are more likely to perceive divorce as a negative outcome.
Many claim the negative associations with divorce no longer exist, but studies show that divorced women behave as though their divorce is a disgrace. There are many reasons for this, from religious upbringing to the perception of failure or blame.
There are many benefits to resisting these shame-based narratives about your divorce. The three reasons below can help you feel empowered rather than ashamed.
Reason 1: Marriage May Not Support You
Staying in a marriage might require you to make unhealthy compromises. A survey of divorce finance professionals found that emotional or physical abuse accounted for 6% of divorces among their clients. Money issues and infidelity were more frequently reported issues, with “basic incompatibility” accounting for the most (43%) divorces.
Causes for divorce differ among socioeconomic classes. However, incompatibility and “lack of emotional support” were the most common reasons for divorce in every economic circumstance. Incompatibility may also encompass multiple issues causing conflict.
In one of the earliest essays for the New York Times’ Modern Love column, Theo Pauline Nestor writes of the impossibility of reconciliation that led to her divorce. Her husband had kept secrets about money and left when confronted.
Nestor herself attempted to support a friend through marital conflict by reminding her of the strengths of her husband and their marriage. She wanted them to stay together. After experiencing her own divorce, Nestor understands the realities of incompatibility.
The 2004 essay was met with mixed opinion. Many feel that no divorce, under any circumstances, can be good for children. The fact that Nestor’s two daughters would be raised in a “broken home” is one source of the prejudice she faced.
Ultimately, Nestor concludes that much of her marriage had consisted of her pretending “everything’s O.K.” She had sacrificed much of her own self-care and sense of self-worth to her marriage. After divorce, she could rediscover her power.
In another opinion piece for the NY Times, Brenda Arredondo writes about her husband’s leaving due to her disability. Her title for the piece: “My Husband Wasn’t My Savior. I Am.” His leaving exposed the deep accessibility issues embedded in every system she participated in.
She fought to occupy spaces that did not have room for her body outside a marriage that provided resources many do not have. This fight became a personal and political resistance of marginalization and an assertion of the self.
It’s true that disabled people are more likely to go through a divorce than nondisabled people. The reason for this often involves the way the idea of marriage intersects with the reality of disability. For disabled people of lower socioeconomic status, marriage can conversely mean sacrificing health care due to income eligibility rules.
While these structural issues are specific to disability, incompatibilities within marriage can also come from cultural inequities around gender or race. Marriage, or the person you’re married to, may not be the best means to support your needs.
Reason 2: Divorce Can Have Positive Outcomes For Children
Research supports that conflict within a parental relationship has a negative influence on children. Divorce can accompany conflict, but it may not be the cause of negative impact. Instead divorce may reduce instances of conflict and generate positive outcomes!
Significant positive outcomes have included higher quality mother-child relationships, more social support, independence, and lower relationship anxiety. While some research suggests gendered differences, many of these positive outcomes apply to all participants regardless of factors like gender or parental socioeconomic status.
In a 2014 Journal of Divorce & Remarriage study, researchers surveyed over three hundred college undergraduates for their perception of their parents’ divorce. They found that over half perceived that their mother was happier after the divorce and nearly half felt the same about their father.
The same journal published an article two decades earlier that resists the prevailing focus on the “unfavorable outcomes” of divorce. Dr. Gately and Dr. Schwebel argue that children develop higher levels of maturity, self-esteem, and empathy as they adjust to challenges before, during, and after parental divorce.
These kinds of outcomes are also present in studies completed outside the United States. Take this 2007 study of 158 Israeli young adults who self-reported their response to parental divorce.
Many of those surveyed did report “painful feelings,” but nearly half also felt that there were “more positive than negative outcomes.” And less than 25% of the participants thought there were “more negative than positive outcomes.”
Like other studies, this one similarly found that many children of parental divorce possess traits that reflect maturity and a growth mindset. The researchers point to the presence of empowerment, empathy, and savviness in relationships.
One of the most positive coping mechanisms children of divorce learn is “reciprocal support.” This refers to the ability of both partners to provide the same levels of empathetic support when it is needed. This approach has clear positive long-term effects on relationships.
If you worry that your divorce will impact your children, remember that it isn’t reasonable to expect that your kids won’t have some feelings of pain and hurt as a result of the transition. It may also not be in their best interest to act as though these feelings will (or should) go away.
Instead, honor their expression of these feelings and support the development of healthy coping mechanisms. Your divorce won’t be the last time your children face an emotionally difficult situation. If you model best practices and encourage open discussion, you give them a blueprint for resilience.
Reason 3: Ending a Marriage Opens New Possibilities
A divorce can introduce new possibilities for structuring a family with your ex and with your children that benefit everybody. For many couples, divorce does not mean regret.
After his divorce, Brendan Hammer concludes that “[d]ivorces can look like marriages.” He and his partner Vanessa are both divorce lawyers whose career experiences helped them to prioritize the “human issues” over the “legal issues” of divorce.
Brendan did not want what Vanessa did: to move closer to her family and to have another child. The two attended therapy to process their feelings and come to a mutually beneficial agreement, but they found themselves at an impasse.
While the initial years post-divorce were messy, they found ways outside of marriage to meet their family’s needs. One of their strategies is called “nesting.” It refers to a divorced couple taking turns living in a shared residence so that the children of a divorce can still call one place home.
For the most part, they prefer their life outside marriage and do not wish they had handled things differently. They still consider themselves family.
Above all, both believe that the “majority of people can have good divorces, but that isn't encouraged in today’s society.” As divorce lawyers, they both see first-hand how the legal system promotes antagonism between parties. The focus is less on restructuring and more on destruction. But people can make empowering choices through their divorces.
There is also evidence that remarriage has a measurable effect on levels of happiness while marriage does not. When fear of the stigma of divorce prevents someone from leaving an unhappy marriage, it may also keep them from a partnership that improves their well-being.
Divorce can offer many new possibilities, and remarriage is only one of them. But the potential benefits of remarriage are appealing: the “remarried go through a significantly greater boost in happiness than the first-married during the transition phase.” In addition, life satisfaction that increases in a first marriage is more likely to return to baseline, but remarriage is associated with lasting happiness.
Challenging the stigma of separation can reveal new relationships and ways of being that better support your values and goals.
Divorce Beyond Shame
Shame surrounding divorce can have more negative effects than divorce itself.
It can be helpful to adopt strategies that resist this debilitating impact. Like many of the divorced individuals whose stories are referenced above, you may benefit from sharing your experiences. Write about it or find a community of those in similar circumstances.
Therapy is always a tool to combat shame. You may consult a therapist as an individual or, if your ex is willing, as a couple. Continue to educate yourself. Make space for your feelings, and for those of your children.
