Relationships

When Is Love Not Enough In A Relationship? 8 Reasons To Break Up Even If You’re Happy

When Is Love Not Enough In A Relationship 8 Reasons To Break Up Even If You’re Happy

The Beatles tell us, “All You Need is Love.” Rom-com movies lead us to believe that if you just love each other enough, everything will fall into place. Romance novels offer insights into what we can expect for our happily-ever-after. This all sounds great, right?


Wrong. Unfortunately, love is not ALL it takes to sustain a happy, healthy relationship. In fact, love alone isn’t nearly enough.

You can love someone as much as physically possible, but it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t trust them. What if your families don’t get along or you differ in your religious belief? New relationships take time and patience and even with deep feelings of love, you may find other problems that get in the way of your happiness.

Here are 8 reasons you should consider calling it quits even if you love the person.

1. Your partner is abusive

Your partner is abusive
Your partner is abusive

Lindsay Chrisler, a New York-based dating and relationships coach, says, “It’s possible for people in an abusive relationship to love an abusive partner. One in four women and one in 10 men have been victims of intimate partner violence, according to a 2015 survey conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

A 2010 study conducted by the National Institute of Mental Health found that more than half of the women surveyed saw their abusive partners as “highly dependable.”

One in five of the women surveyed said the men possessed significant positive traits, like “being affectionate.”

Researchers found that these views contributed to some victims staying in abusive relationships, among other reasons — like isolation, extortion, and physical violence. When it comes to abuse of any kind, Chrisler says it’s crucial to safely find a way out. “It’s difficult to get out of those relationships,” she says. “You have to really love yourself.”

2. You can’t be yourself

According to Psychology Today, pretending to be someone you aren’t to satisfy your partner “can get in the way of true emotional intimacy and feel empty over time — the idea that your partner wouldn't genuinely love the ‘real’ you if you were truly allowing yourself to be that person.

Perhaps you are pretending to be someone you're not, hiding an important part of your personality, or even feigning interest in certain hobbies or activities of theirs to keep them happy, letting them call the shots about how you spend your time. Or maybe you are being yourself — and yet you never feel like your partner actually ‘gets’ you. These types of emotional disconnects can lead to profound loneliness that — ironically — may make you feel even more isolated than if you were single.”

You need to be able to be yourself in your relationship. When love becomes the focus of your life, so much so, that you lose yourself, it’s not love. And it’s not healthy.

Understand that your relationship is not who you are. What you care about, the things you do, the passions you have, the art you create, the compassion you share—that’s what you’re made of, and someone who loves you will appreciate all that you have to offer.

3. Major financial differences

Major financial differences
Major financial differences

When it comes to financial differences in relationships that are deal breakers, think about money habits rather than differences in actual income or net worth.

Poor money habits can include irresponsible credit card use, gambling, lack of retirement plan, zero savings, and/or buying into the next “get rich quick” scheme.

Paula Pant, a writer, speaker, and media commentator on the subject of personal finance, says, “

This isn't about money. The other person's treatment of money is the symptom. But their wildly-different-worldview is the problem — or at least, the incompatibility.

If you're a saver and a conservative-to-moderate investor, there's a strong chance that your worldview and priorities include planning for the future, delaying gratification, and making logical, well-reasoned decisions based on data.

It’s important to consider your financial goals and how compatible they are with your partner’s. Spend time discussing your relationship to money and its role in your future.

Pant adds, “Of course, different habits can be a blessing. The spender may encourage the saver to relax and enjoy the moment. Likewise, the saver may encourage the spender to think carefully about the future, create detailed plans, and refrain from momentary impulses. This balance can be healthy.

But if one partner holds serious concerns about their retirement plans, debt level, or the cash reserves in their joint bank account, and the other partner dismisses these worries and continues to spend wildly, this saver/spender tension can boil over into serious relationship turmoil.”

4. Values don’t align

When you feel like your values are compromised in your relationship or what’s inherently important to you does not matter to your partner, you will find that love is not enough to sustain a long-term, healthy relationship.

Samantha Daniels, dating expert and founder of Samantha’s Table Matchmaking, says,

No two people need to be carbon copies of each other and it’s certainly OK to differ on your opinion about certain subjects, but if you can’t find any common ground on your values regarding things like child-rearing, trust, loyalty and family, the relationship will have a hard time lasting.

Aligned values are one the most important things in any relationship. Whether it is with your life partner or business partner, aligned or misaligned values will define the success or failure of a relationship from day one.

5. You fight often

You fight often
You fight often

Annie Bennett, psychotherapist and author of The Love Trap, notes, “Constant petty bickering tends to be a habit couples fall into to avoid larger, more painful issues.”

“Arguing all the time doesn't necessarily mean your relationship has hit a dead end,” adds Bennett. “It depends on what you're arguing about and the nature of your fights. Angry and abusive fights show that consideration and thoughtfulness have disappeared from your relationship.”

According to Bustle.com, if you're having these 11 arguments, you're forcing your relationship to work:

  1. Why You Haven't Met Their Friends Or Family
  2. Money Issues
  3. How Much Sex You Want To Have
  4. Inequality In The Relationship
  5. Your Core Values
  6. Personality Quirks
  7. Arguments About Nothing
  8. Arguments That Get Mean
  9. The Past Or The Future
  10. Arguments That Place Blame
  11. Disagreements That Involve Threats Or Ultimatums

6. The trust is gone

The trust is gone
The trust is gone

"Trust is the foundation in any relationship," notes dating coach Julie Spira. "It takes time to build and a split-second to lose. If you catch [your] significant other in a series of lies, or find out they’re having an affair, it will destroy the trust and bond you worked hard to create.”

Trust is not only about fidelity in a relationship. It is about trusting someone with your heart, your secrets, your finances, and your well-being.

Spira adds,

When you trust someone with your love, your life, your body, and your soul, you can admire and respect them. If you can’t count on them to be loyal to you, emotionally or physically, often a relationship isn’t repairable.

7. Significant imbalance in the relationship

You love them way more than they love you. There are times when you are way more invested in a relationship than the person you are with. Don’t ever stay in a relationship where you are underappreciated, or not given the type of unconditional and caring love you deserve. Even if leaving is one of the most difficult things you do.

A relationship is about give and take. If you find you are giving significantly more in the relationship, you might want to reassess if you and your partner view your commitment in the same way.

"Relationships thrive when there is cooperation, and a mutual exchange of curiosity and admiration," notes relationship coach Sara Russell. "If someone is acting unilaterally, and so focused on themselves that they can’t also take into account your experience and feelings, you may consider why you are in the relationship, and if staying is worth it."

8. Your partner lies to you

Your partner lies to you
Your partner lies to you

“The thing is, everyone lies”, notes Veronica Lopez, Dating Editor at Elite Daily. “Whether we like to admit it or not, we’ve all lied here and there; the size of our lies is what’s important. If your partner is usually very truthful but throws a little, “Yeah, I took out the trash last night,” your way, even when they totally didn’t, then it’s probably not a big deal, as long as this doesn’t happen all the time.”

“But,” Lopez adds, “if your partner lies constantly about where they are, what they’re doing, who they’re with, and how they feel, you should probably have a conversation.”

According to Dr. Karla Ivankovich, a psychology instructor and clinical counselor at OnePatient Global Health, misrepresentation and fibbing in relationships happens more often than you'd think. Studies have shown that people lie frequently to those they care about most. And it's always a problem: "Trust is the basis for all human relationships,” says Ivankovich. “Little lies can lead to major issues.”

If lying in your relationship is a problem, you need to have the tough conversation about the damage dishonesty can do to your bond. If your partner isn’t willing to figure out their need to tell untruths, consider leaving the relationship.

9. Takeaway

Love is a wonderful thing and is certainly required for a healthy partnership. It’s not, however, enough by itself to sustain all of the other aspects of a relationship.

You might discover you don’t want the same things in life or that your partner is immature. Maybe one of you gets relocated for a job and the other doesn’t choose to go along. It could be that one of you is a terrible communicator.

Loving someone and being happy inside of a relationship isn't necessarily the same thing. You might not be happy with the way things are and you could desire something different for yourself. These types of feelings are not that unusual and it doesn't mean that you don't love your partner.

Love isn't always going to be enough to keep two people together forever. People change and desires can change as well. This can be very hard for people to come to terms with but unhappiness is one of the most common reasons why people leave someone that they love. The pursuit of happiness is a big part of life and you want to be able to feel like you're living your life to the fullest.