Relationships

What It’s Like to Stay in a Relationship After Cheating

What It’s Like to Stay in a Relationship After Cheating

You’d be hard-pressed to find a woman who hasn’t encouraged another woman to break up with a cheating partner.


We’re often the ones who tell our best friends that they deserve better. We’ll remind them of the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”. We’ll be the ones who tell them they need to move on. This advice continues to create stigma around staying in unfaithful relationships. We’re almost hardwired to believe that relationships should end when there’s infidelity.

But is this always the case? If you’re in an unfaithful relationship, you may be wondering if breaking up really is the only option. You might be exploring what it would be like to stay in the relationship.

Infidelity itself is complicated. So it stands to reason that choosing whether to stay in an unfaithful relationship is complicated too.

Esther Perel is a reputable author and relationship therapist. She says that some couples may feel as if their relationships are unsalvageable. But for others, their relationships might actually get better after infidelity. This is because there are many factors that play a part in whether you and your partner can work things out.

Here are 9 things to expect if you choose to stay in an unfaithful relationship:

1. The person who cheated will need to show genuine remorse

The person who cheated will need to show genuine remorse

Couples who stay together after infidelity have a lot of healing to do. First and foremost, this healing starts with an apology. The person who cheated needs to feel deeply sorry for their actions. And they need to show their partner that they regret what they’ve done.

Dr. Jenn Mann is a psychologist and the best-selling author of The Relationship Fix. She believes an effective apology takes place in four parts. She calls these parts the “Four Rs”; remorse, taking responsibility, recognition and remedy.

For Dr. Mann, the first step is for the person who cheated to show that they understand the hurt they’ve caused. She believes understanding the hurt will create a heartfelt sense of remorse.

Next, Dr. Mann recommends that the person who was unfaithful takes responsibility for their actions. This means that they show their partner that they understand the impact of what they’ve done.

Dr. Mann believes the second last step to a good apology is recognition. Couples need to acknowledge and listen to one another. Both parties need to recognise how their partner is feeling.

Lastly, Dr. Mann recommends that apologies end with a meaningful remedy. The person who cheated needs to show that they are willing to make amends. This means that they need to be willing to take action in order to make things right. 

The actions taken may vary depending on the circumstance. But Dr. Mann suggests that going to couples therapy is a good first step.

2. There will be a lot of grey areas

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship therapist. She is also the author of The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity. Dr. Nelson believes that people will often try to see things through a moral lens. This means they will perceive things as being completely right or completely wrong.

Dr. Nelson says this may lead to a situation where people believe “that the cheater is always bad and the victim is always right”.

Couples who choose to stay in relationships after cheating may learn that their situation isn’t as simple as that. Infidelity is often confusing and nuanced.

There is a spectrum of ways in which to cheat, ranging from a flirtatious text to a full-blown affair. This may affect the way a couple reacts to an affair.

Couples may also find that the person who was unfaithful wasn’t solely to blame for the problems in the relationship. This may make the situation seem less straightforward and black-and-white.

3. Other people will try to decide what’s right for you

Other people will try to decide what’s right for you

Going through relationship troubles can be devastating. So it stands to reason that your loved ones will try to protect you from heartbreak. Of course, your partner’s loved ones will be trying to protect him too. 

This may lead to a situation where the people in your life have conflicting opinions. Your friends may be telling you to move on, while your partner’s mom may be asking you to give the relationship another chance.

Dr. Jane Greer is a marriage and family therapist, psychotherapist and sex therapist. She says it’s common for people to vocalise their opinions about cheating. This is problematic because "nobody else really understands the dynamics that go on between two people".

Although you’re likely to hear many people giving you advice, it’s important for you to decide what’s best for you.

4. You’ll start seeing cheating as a symptom of a bigger problem

Amanda D. Mahoney is an experienced psychotherapist. She believes patients who stay together after infidelity have one thing in common. They all show a “willingness to process the potential symptoms that may have contributed to the affair”.

This means that they don’t just focus on the affair itself. But rather that they see cheating as part of a bigger problem.

If you’re planning on staying together after cheating, it might be worth exploring all the problems in your relationship. This doesn’t mean that the person who cheated can justify or excuse their behaviour. Cheating is undoubtedly wrong. But it’s worth acknowledging that it usually only happens when couples are already unhappy.

5. You’ll have to face some harsh realities

You’ll have to face some harsh realities

If you choose to stay together after cheating, it’s important to understand exactly why the cheating happened. This may force you to confront the problematic aspects of your relationship.

Amber Madison is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She suggests looking at the core of your relationship problems. You can do this by asking the unfaithful partner a set of questions.

Her suggested questions are: “Why did you cheat?” “How did you decide to tell me or keep it secret?” “Would you make a different choice going forward? Why or how?” and “What has changed?”

People are often deeply hurt by infidelity. So it can be difficult to listen to a blunt, honest account of how it happened. But Madison believes that asking these questions will help couples to understand their situation.

Madison then suggests that the person who has been cheated on asks themself an important question. The question is: “Is this something I can move past?”

Moving past the cheating doesn’t mean that the person has to immediately forgive their partner. It is simply acknowledging that they’re willing to forgive them in time.

6. You’ll both need to make changes

Couples who choose to stay together after cheating may feel as if the odds are stacked against them. This motivates them to do anything it takes to repair their relationship.

Part of that repair process may involve making changes to your behaviour. This is applicable to both partners, and not just the person who was unfaithful. This is because both people in a relationship need to take responsibility for their problematic behaviours.

Couples who are trying to work things out may try to change the way they communicate with one another. They may also try to prioritise the relationship by going on more dates. This is according to relationship counsellor, Raffi Bilek.

Trust needs to be rebuilt

Trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. When the relationship becomes unfaithful, that trust is broken.

Dr. Tina B. Tessina is a licensed psychotherapist. She believes that “couples who survive infidelity learned to overcome broken trust, plus whatever issues were in the relationship that led to or helped excuse the infidelity”. 

Building trust is often a lengthy and emotionally draining process. This is according to clinical psychologist, Dr. Josh Klapow. He says the person who cheated may want their partner to “get over it”. But it’s important to be patient and understanding.

It’s unlikely that someone who has been cheated on will trust their partner straight away. This is why couples need to give each other time. Dr. Klapow also suggests that couples who are rebuilding trust try to establish new rules for the relationship.

7. You’ll have to re-establish your emotional connection

You’ll have to re-establish your emotional connection

Rose Richardson is a licensed marriage and family therapist. In her experience, the biggest cause of infidelity isn’t lack of attraction.

People who cheat are often still sexually attracted to their partners. They don’t start to crave a physical connection with someone else. Rather, it’s that they crave an emotional connection.

The partner who had the affair will often feel that their emotional needs aren't being met. This will cause them to try to find validation from someone else.

Couples who stay together after an affair will have to work hard to address these issues. They will need to find new ways to meaningfully communicate with one another.

This is complicated by the affair itself. It’s unlikely that a person who has been cheated on will want to be emotionally available and vulnerable. This is why Dr. Richardson notes that re-establishing an emotional connection is very difficult. But it's not impossible.

8. Your relationship will never be the same

Couples who stay in a relationship after cheating often have one goal. They want to get their relationship back to what it used to be. 

It’s important to recognise that restoring your relationship might not be possible. Once trust has been broken, your relationship might not feel the same again. 

This might mean that you have to accept that your old relationship is gone. According to Dr. Josh Klapow, this includes accepting that cheating will always be a scar on the relationship. It’s only once you’ve accepted this new reality that you can start to redefine your relationship. 

9. It’s a long road to recovery

It’s a long road to recovery

David Klow is a licensed marriage and family therapist. He believes that recovery takes a long time after someone cheats. This is because it takes a lot of work to repair what was damaged by the infidelity. 

He notes that couples who are willing to take the time to work through their problems can recover from an affair. They may even emerge stronger having gone through the recovery process together. 

The bottom line

There is a lot of stigma attached to staying in a relationship after cheating. But it is certainly possible to recover from unfaithfulness. 

Couples who choose to stay together have to be willing to work hard to repair their relationships. 

This can take a lot of open communication and emotional vulnerability. You’ll need to find new ways to rebuild trust and connect with one another in order to succeed. 

The process might take a long time, but your relationship may even end up stronger than it was before. You won’t necessarily be rebuilding your old relationship. Rather, you’ll be creating a new relationship built on new values and a new feeling of trust. 

How do you think a relationship is different after cheating? Do you think couples can successfully mend unfaithful relationships? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.