How to Identify Verbal Abuse in Your Relationship

Would you know if you were being verbally abused?

The answer to this question might be more difficult than you think. Physical abuse is much more cut and dried, whereas verbal abuse can be more subtle and much harder to detect. When it comes to verbal abuse, victims often question whether or not what they are experiencing is truly abusive. They also wonder whether or not it is a big deal.

Romantic partners can be mean and short-sighted. They can say things in the heat of the moment that they later regret or they can accidentally hurt someone’s feelings by a poorly timed comment or ill-delivered joke.

That’s not verbal abuse. Here is the key to understanding the difference - The words of verbal abuse are intentional and part of an ongoing pattern. Verbal abuse is repeated, not just one isolated incident.

When someone abuses you with their words, the purpose is to intimidate or control you. It can be difficult to detect because, as you will see in this article, abusers can be masterful at making you doubt your own experience and response to their tactics. It can leave you feeling worn down and second-guessing your own thoughts, feelings, and memories of an event.

Over time, you may begin to accept this as normal and permissible treatment, particularly if you don’t have an objective person to help you see that you are, in fact, being abused.

Dr. Charles Mouton at Howard University College of Medicine defines the following forms of abuse:

Physical abuse is the infliction of physical pain, injury, or physical coercion, and involves at least 1 act of violence.

Verbal abuse is the infliction of mental anguish through yelling, screaming, threatening, humiliating, infantilizing, or provoking intentional fear.

Research indicates that verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse, but it is no less damaging because you can’t “see” tangible results. There is an emerging emphasis on understanding emotional abuse as a construct separate from physical abuse, worthy of its own theories and prevention strategies.

Verbal abuse causes problems with self-esteem, feelings of helplessness, social isolation, anxiety, depression and, in severe cases, PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Verbal Abuse vs Normal Arguments

According to healthline.com, there are several distinctions between the two:

Normal disagreements don’t involve name-calling, personal attacks, yelling, punishments or threats. They also don’t happen very frequently, sometimes daily.

Verbal abuse may include humiliation, dredging up old issues, acts of rage or harmful comments played off as “jokes”.

Here are 15 tactics verbal abusers use on their victims.

1. Name-calling

As psychotherapist Dr. Tony Weston notes, “Sticks and stones is an English children’s rhyme that tries to persuade the fact that ‘sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me’. The research is in. It’s just not true. Criticism, including name calling, is hugely harmful and detrimental to lifetime psychological well-being.”

In other words, it’s simply not okay for your partner to call you names that are mean and hurtful. It’s one thing to joke around and tease in a friendly and good-natured manner. But there’s a difference in being playful and being insulting.

According to the “Break the Cycle” website, “one of the biggest red flags of an unhealthy or abusive relationship is name calling. It’s considered abusive behavior because it labels one partner as something negative -- you’re dumb, ugly, stupid, fat, unlovable-- without acknowledging or considering their feelings. By verbally stating “you’re bad” in some form, a partner can exert their control and hold power over the other person’s sense of self-worth.”

Healthy relationships don’t use name calling to resolve conflict or express love. Both partners make the other one feel good about themselves.

2. Degradation

To degrade someone means to make them feel less valuable than they actually are.

The Journal of Trauma and Dissociationstates, “Modern Western culture holds human rights as a central value, which applies to everyone. A person of any age, gender, race, religion, or nation should be safe from degrading or violent treatment.”

Your partner should be one of the last people on earth that purposely tries to make you feel “less than”. Men who use this tactic may do the following:

Degrade their female partner by calling her derogatory names like slut or whore
Use abusive language
Correct things the woman says or does
Deprive her of sleep, food or health care
Humiliate and embarrass her in public
Put down or make fun of her cultural traditions, spiritual beliefs, interests, ideas and desires

It is not normal or healthy to be in a relationship in which you feel like you can’t be yourself or express your opinion without being made to feel stupid, silly, or useless.

3. Withholding

Withholding occurs when someone refuses to share their thoughts, feelings, or important or personal information with another, often to gain more attention or gain a sense or power and control within the relationship.

Psychology Today explains that the partners of withholders become more uncertain as the argument continues, not knowing what to expect from the other. To resolve their anxiety, they often reveal their internal thoughts and feelings too soon, giving away too much information and eventually playing into the hands of their silent partners.

Dr. Randi Gunther identifies six types of withholders:

The Strategist:

These people have learned that they have to be strategic in all areas of their life and are unable to cut this off in their intimate relationships. They have learned to become that way in their childhoods to make certain they had the early advantage in any conflicts.

The Wounded Warrior:

This type of person comes across as cold and uncaring, a trait they likely learned as a child when their openness was used against them. Though they are not necessarily intending to pressure their partners to disclose first, their silence and harsh stance will have that effect.

Conflict-Averse:

Some people become quiet and withdrawn because they cannot handle conflicts of any kind. As soon as the drama of an argument begins, they shut down and pull away. This often results in their partner pushing harder for connection, often making things worse. This pressure results in the withholder finally exploding.

Needing to Win:

Some people withhold their thoughts and feelings from their partners because they love to battle. This can be intense and uncomfortable for the person who wants to have an open discussion. They may end up feeling humiliated and embarrassed when they do not have the same desire to continue the fight.

Conflict-Ready Defenders:

This type of withholder will be prepared to defend, justify, or excuse their behavior but they decide that keeping quiet is the better response. They may choose to stay silent until they know exactly what to expect. Once their partner appears to be ready to attack, they are prepared to counter-attack. As the other partner continually tries to get them to reveal how they feel, they are internally forming their case of argument.

Flight or Freeze Responders:

From the outside these people may appear to be hiding something or trying to force the other partner to reveal, confess, or beg for connection. Internally, they are frozen and unable to respond. They are truly unable to share what they are feeling for fear of being attacked.

4. Gaslighting

“Oh come on. I never said that.”

“You’re just being overly sensitive.”

“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this…”

Psychologists use the term “gaslighting” to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions. And it’s always a serious problem.

The expression comes from the 1938 British play “Gas Light” wherein a husband (Charles Boyer) attempts to drive his wife (Ingrid Bergman) crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her sanity.

One of the tactics used by the husband is slowly dimming the gaslights in their home. When the wife questions why the lights are dimming, the husband denies that they are, repeatedly insisting the lights haven’t changed. This leads the wife to question her own perception of reality and, ultimately, her sanity.

The movie’s portrayal of this manipulative technique is chilling and evil.

This article identifies four common themes of statements used by gaslighters:

“I worry about your mental health.”

Mailin Suchting, manager of the Gendered Violence Research Network (GVRN) at UNSW Sydney explains that gaslighting is manipulating and intimidating behavior that leads to self-doubt. Instilling self -doubt is a key manipulation tactic. Gaslighters might focus on the victim’s mental health and use it to instil self-doubt and undermine the victim’s memory, logic, and reality.

“That’s not what happened.”

Men and women gaslight to coerce and control their partners. Denying something has taken place and making one question their recollection of events is one way in which gaslighters work. GVRN co-convener and UNSW Associate Professor Jan Breckenridge says it causes victims “‘to question their capacity to have a narrative about themselves. It changes the way in which you describe yourself, the way you see your own behavior. I think that’s really damaging.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

Gaslighters present themselves as ‘the best person’ – the best father, best wife, best mentor, by cultivating trust and shaping public perception. “Very few perpetrators are so shocking that people have never had some positive experience with them,”Breckenridge says.

Gaslighters excel at manipulation, making it more difficult for victims to get help, as often close friends and family are also in the circle of manipulation without being aware.

“Your family doesn’t understand you.”

“Gaslighters thrive on isolating their victims from others,” Dr. Stephanie Sarkis writes in her book Gaslighting. By isolating their victim from friends and family gaslighters reduce the size of their

victim’s world, making it difficult to get help as crucial support networks have been cut off. Victims internalise that only the gaslighter has their best interest at heart.

5. Blocking

Blocking or diverting is the process the abuser uses to control communication by deciding what will be discussed. This can occur by the person changing the subject or focusing on something that wasn’t even said.

Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, says “blocking may also be accusatory; however, its primary purpose is to prevent discussion, end communication, or withhold information.”

Evans goes on to identify some examples:

“You’re just trying to have the last word”
“You know what I meant!”
“You think you know it all”
“You heard me. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.”
“Just drop it!”
“Did anybody ask for your opinion?”

Examples of blocking by diversion include diverting the conversation in a new direction. Often, the victim doesn’t realize the conversation has been switched until it’s too late.

Here are some examples of blocking by diversion:

Wife: “What happened to the $40,000 we had in savings?”
Husband: “There is no way I’m going through all those receipts.”
“Why do you care? You have plenty of money to spend!”
“It costs me money to stay in business, so quit harassing me!”
“I’ve explained this to you before and I’m not going over it again.”
“Did you marry me for my money?”

6. Discounting

According to Medical News Today, “Discounting” means denying someone else’s rights to their own thoughts, emotions, or experiences. This usually involves repetitively discounting and dismissing someone’s feelings.

This could mean telling someone that they:

are too sensitive
are childish
don’t have a good sense of humor
are being dramatic

Discounting can therefore cause someone to question their own version of reality and be unsure of whether what they feel is right or wrong.

“This type of abuse denies a person’s reality or experience and diminishes that person’s worth. A discounting statement always begins with “You…”, such as “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, notes this article in Healthy Magazine.

7. Undermining

Psychology Today states abusers use this tactic to undermine your self-esteem and confidence. Ways this is achieved is by using expressions such as, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” finishing your sentences, or speaking on your behalf without your permission.

Maybe it’s politics or current events. It could be your fashion style or career choice. The point is, the abuser will undermine or disagree with practically everything you say, suggest, do, or feel. For example, they may say things like, “Your job doesn’t really matter, so who cares if you’re late?” or, “You actually like that? You have such bad taste.”

Over time, statements such as these can cause you to question your own ability to make good choices. This may cause you to feel as though you should resort to accepting the other person’s decisions.

Dr. Andrea Bonior states, “It's great when our partners can challenge us in interesting discussions and give us new ways of looking at the world. It is not great when they make you feel small, silly, or stupid, or they consistently try to change your mind about something important to you that you believe in.

Openness to new experience is wonderful—but a controlling partner doesn't see it as a two-way street, and only wants you to be and think more like they do.”

8. Threatening

According to this article, examples of threats may involve the following:

making angry gestures
using physical size to intimidate
shouting louder than you to drown you out
destroying your possessions
breaking things
punching walls
wielding a knife or a gun
threatening to kill or harm you and the children
threatening to kill or harm family pets
threats of suicide

One form of threatening behavior involves the abuser claiming they are abandoning the relationship when they don’t get their way. Particularly for people with abandonment issues, these threats can be an effective means of control.

Remember, the primary function of intimidation and threats is to instill fear and insure compliance. This may even involve threats that involve your children, such as claiming they will obtain custody if you leave them, use visitation to harass you, or threaten to tell your children inappropriate or untrue things about you.

9. Silent treatment

The silent treatment, also known as stonewalling, is when a "listener withdraws from an interaction, refusing to participate or engage, essentially becoming unresponsive," explains John Gottman, world-renowned psychological researcher.

Telling a partner you need a certain amount of time out to cool off or collect your thoughts is not considered stonewalling, because you have given the "silence" an explanation and timeframe.

Psychologist Karen Gonsalkorale from the University of Sydney says when people are asked "Why did you give the silent treatment?", the common answer is "I was punishing them". When refusing to engage in a conversation is used as a control tactic to exert power in a relationship, then it becomes "the silent treatment," which is toxic, unhealthy, and abusive.

10. Dismissiveness

Healthline.com defines dismissiveness as you tell your partner about something that’s important to you and then they say it doesn’t matter. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.

Even if they listen to you, they do so half-heartedly as if your thoughts and opinions mean very little to them. They may be impatient as you talk about things that are important to you and invalidate your feelings.

Psychotherapist Sharon Martin says,

A pattern of invalidation is a form of emotional abuse or gaslighting. It’s a denial of you or your experience. It implies that you’re wrong, overreacting, or lying. Abusers do this to turn things around and blame the victim and deny or minimize their abusive words or actions.

11. Correcting

There is nothing wrong with offering helpful feedback to those we love. When it becomes problematic is when someone talks down to you or repeatedly feels the need to correct things you say or do.

According to verywellmind.com, “When you point out what one another has or hasn't done or how your spouse said or did something wrong, you may be belittling, embarrassing, and demeaning your partner. You're also saying that you want the other person to change and that they aren't good enough. Essentially, nitpicking is a sign that you don't fully respect your mate.”

Someone correcting you frequently will certainly impact your self-esteem over time. You will begin to doubt your abilities or not feel free to express your thoughts openly because of the fear of being corrected.

Brandy Engler, Ph.D., author of The Men On My Couch, says, “While no relationship is perfect, being with someone who critiques you on the regular can be highly annoying and might even put a dent in your self-esteem. In an ideal relationship, you can spend time with each other and be yourself without worrying that the other person will judge you for it.”

“And when you can't do that, it puts a strain on your bond”, she says.

12. Yelling

Some people believe they have to be loud in volume to be heard. This might involve yelling at you directly or yelling about the situation they find themselves in.

When it comes to hurtful words being hurled at you, Dr. Leon Seltzer says, “Neither you nor anyone else should repeatedly endure such abuse. And if it happens more than once or a few times—and seems never ending—then you definitely need to ask yourself why you remain in such a relationship, and whether you may need professional help to extricate yourself.”

The pattern of yelling might come from the way your partner was raised. Not only is yelling learned from parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably felt helpless in their own situation.

Dr. Elliot D. Cohen says screaming at your partner can eventually lead to relationship breakdown. In his Psychology Today column, Cohen said:

There is a difference between “heart to heart” talks about perceived problems in a relationship, and yelling or sparring matches. While the former can lead to constructive change, the latter tends to be self-destructive … Your self-protective mechanism is a double-edged sword. You can use it to your advantage or you can use it to undermine your own happiness and that of your partner.

13. Judging

Judgment is the ultimate relationship destroyer. It is the key to creating a rift so wide that the relationship issues might get to the point of being unresolvable.

Paul Colaianni, Behavior and Relationship Coach, notes, “Judgment can be one of the most damaging weapons in a relationship. It tells your partner that it’s not okay to be themselves.This builds resentment in them and will eventually corrode even the most intimate relationships.

Even if your relationship survives the corrosive effect of judgment, it still suffers.

If one partner becomes judgmental and critical of the other partner’s way of being, problems generally ensue. Judgment often leads a person to become contemptuous of the other person, and contempt is hard to conceal

notes licensed therapist Anne D. Ream. “We all have micro-expressions that cross our faces so quickly we may not even know we have expressed the feelings associated with them. One’s partner might see those micro-expressions and feel deeply hurt by them.”

14. Condescension

When negativity, criticism, and a condescending, superior attitude begin creeping into your marriage, you may be on a slippery slope toward letting these relationship-damaging factors begin to override the positives in your relationship.

Therapist Kristina Virro says, “Being condescending means having a patronizing or superior attitude toward others.” She goes on to say condescending people like to make someone else feel stupid in exchange for a little stroke to their own ego.

Dr. Samantha Rodman identifies some examples of condescending statements:

“Well, I know YOU think that, but in reality…”
“Wait, so you REALLY thought that [insert think you actually did think here]…”
“You only think that because of your messed up family.”
“Should I just agree with you here? That’s the only way these discussions end.”

15. Manipulation

Psychology Today defines manipulation as “the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits, and privileges at the victim’s expense.”

Most manipulative individuals have four common characteristics:

They know how to detect your weaknesses.
Once found, they use your weaknesses against you.
Through their shrewd machinations, they convince you to give up something of yourself in order to serve their self-centered interests.
In work, social, and family situations, once a manipulator succeeds in taking advantage of you, he or she will likely repeat the violation until you put a stop to the exploitation.

PsychCentral notes, “The worst part of being manipulated in a relationship is that quite often you don’t even know it’s happening. Manipulative people twist your thoughts, actions, wants and desires into something that better suits how they see the world and they mold you into someone that serves their own purposes.”

Is what you're going through — or watching someone else go through — just a rough patch or actually abuse?

After reviewing these 15 traits, you will be able to identify some of the most common forms of verbal abuse.

Too many people put up with bad behavior. They make excuses and put up with actions that are actually really abusive. You need to learn how to recognize the signs of abuse when it's happening.

No one likes to think they are being abused. You, like so many people, are likely uncomfortable with the idea that it might be very damaging to be in your relationship. You don't want to think of your partner in that way.

Many believe love is putting up with, sacrificing, tolerating, or suffering in silence, thinking their commitment is proof of their love. This is not love.

Being in a verbally abusive relationship is not a trivial matter. Though it may not leave any physical scars on your body, the scars it can leave on your psyche can be far more painful and long lasting.