How To Split with Confidence: The Pros and Cons of Divorce
When you’re unhappy in your marriage, it’s only natural to have lots of questions going through your mind. Is this a rough patch? Should we try to work things out? Or is divorce really the answer?
Going through a divorce could impact your children, your finances, and your lifestyle. This might make you feel pressured to make the “right” choice. Unfortunately, divorce affects everyone and every family differently. There is no right choice, but at least you can empower yourself by making an informed choice.
Clinical psychologist Bruce Derman and marriage therapist Wendy Gregson wrote an article about divorce. They believe that you need to try to make unemotional decisions.
To be ready for divorce, you need to be ready to divorce yourself from your emotional attachments. It doesn’t matter if you’re reacting from a place of love or a place or anger. If your divorce is based on heightened emotions, it’s likely that you aren’t thinking clearly.
Weighing up the pros and cons of divorce might help you to make an unbiased decision. Being sure of your decision could help you to split with confidence.
4 Cons of Divorce
1. You’ll grieve for what you’ve lost
You have to face a lot of loss when you go through a divorce. You’re not only losing your partner. You’re losing everything you had invested in the relationship. This is because you’d planned to spend the rest of your life with your partner. So, it could be difficult to let go of those expectations.
People going through a divorce need to give themselves space and time to grieve. This is according to Dr. Susan Trotter. She also cautions that the grief process will not be linear. This means that there will be plenty of ups and downs. At times it may even feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster.
2. Your children will be affected
Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll is a clinical psychologist and child specialist. She is also the founder of the Children of Divorce Intervention Program.
She says that most children react to their parents’ divorce with painful emotions. These emotions include sadness, confusion, guilt, anger, and worry.
Children may experience feelings of abandonment when one parent moves out. They may struggle with feelings of loyalty towards one parent and feel like they have to “take sides”. They may even take it hard when they don’t get to see their pets every day.
If your marriage was very tumultuous, it’s possible that your children will feel a sense of relief. But even in these cases, children will still feel confused. They’ll often wonder what these changes to their lives mean and what’s going to happen to them.
3. Divorce will take a financial toll
Getting a divorce could have a significant impact on your finances. The divorce proceedings themselves might become costly. You will also need to adjust to living financially independent of your spouse.
Dr. Linda J. Waite and Dr. Maggie Gallagher explored the consequences of divorce in their study on marriage. The study found that divorcees would need more than a 30% increase in income. This increase would ensure that they could maintain the same standard of living that they had before the divorce.
Financial concerns may become more of a factor when there are children involved. The study also reported that three out of four divorced mothers don’t receive full child support payments.
4. Divorce is a long, draining process
Gossip magazines and tabloid newspapers often report that celebs have had a “quickie-divorce”. This may make it seem like divorce is a simple, efficient process.
The reality is there is no such thing as a quick divorce. This is according to solicitor Hannah Field. She describes the divorce process as “archaic”. She warns that it will take months to go through the process.
Often the court will only grant you a divorce certificate after all financial matters have been resolved. Many couples find it tough to agree on how to divide the matrimonial assets. This can delay the process by several months. In some cases, your divorce may even take several years.
This makes divorce a gruelling, emotionally draining experience. It can be stressful to go through the long, legal process. It might also delay your ability to find closure.
4 Pros of Divorce
1. You can remove yourself from an abusive environment
Many women file for divorce so they can separate from abusive partners. Abuse includes being mistreated physically, verbally, or emotionally.
Removing yourself from an abusive environment is the best way to regain your safety. This is according to Dr. Terri Orbuch. He explains that abuse differs from other causes of divorce.
This is because abuse is never a relationship issue. It is not something you can fix. It’s also not something that will get better with time. If your partner is abusive, it’s likely that they’ll remain that way.
Abuse can leave people feeling powerless and insecure. Divorcing your abusive spouse will help you to regain your confidence. It could also provide a more stable environment for your children.
It’s important to feel supported when divorcing an abusive partner. This will help to ensure you do it as safely as possible. There are many organizations that help support people struggling with domestic violence. Visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline website for support and advice. You can also call them on 1-800-799-7233.
2. Your children will adjust in time
Your children might have an emotional reaction to the news of your divorce. But it’s likely that their anger and sadness will fade over time.
Psychologist E. Mavis explored this topic in her 2002 study. The study found that many children experience negative emotions after a divorce. This includes anxiety, shock, and disbelief. But the study also found that their reactions lessened or disappeared within 2 years. This proves that children recover from divorce relatively fast.
The Journal of Marriage and Family has also published a study on divorce, comparing children with married parents to those with divorced parents. Researchers examined the children as they grew into teenagers. They assessed their academic, emotional, and social abilities. They also assessed whether the children had any behavioral problems.
The study found that there were very few differences between children with divorced parents and married parents. This suggests that most children handle divorce well.
3. You'll be open to new possibilities
Marriage is a shared experience. You share a home together and you divide your responsibilities. It’s likely that you also have mutual friends and shared hobbies.
Sharing so much of your life requires a great deal of compromise. This is especially true in an unhappy relationship.
After a divorce, you might find that you feel free to be yourself again. You may feel as if you’ve finally come out of your comfort zone.
Dr. Holly Richmond is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She says she has one important question that she asks her clients. She always asks them “Do you bet on certainty or possibility?”
Some of her clients enjoy the feeling of security that their marriage brings. They may find uncertainty too daunting. But other clients feel as if they’re ready to embrace new opportunities. For her personally, she says she always leans towards possibility.
4. You could develop a better relationship with your ex
Dr. Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran documented the various emotional stages of divorce. She notes that people usually start to heal after the legal process.
Once your divorce is finalised, you may start to feel like you’ve regained a sense of control. You might start to plan for the future. You may even discover some new talents you didn’t think you had.
This positive mindset is likely to arise from feelings of acceptance. Once you accept that your relationship wasn’t fulfilling, it’s easier to find closure and move on.
O'Connell Corcoran also notes that your outlook is even better 4 years after your divorce. This is because you will have had time to move past the blame and anger you feel towards your ex.
Finding forgiveness for your ex will open up the possibility for a friendship to form. You may find that you develop a newfound respect for them and that you really value their new role in your life.
To conclude:
There are many reasons to stay in a marriage. But there are also many valid reasons why it could be better to go your separate ways. Every relationship and situation is different, and only you can decide what’s right for you and your family.
Whatever you choose to do, I hope it gives you confidence knowing that you have the power to make an informed, rational decision. Divorce is a difficult process, but weighing up the pros and cons might help you to feel more prepared.
What do you think are some other pros and cons of divorce? Let me know in the comments below.
