It’s Normal To Be Sexually Frustrated In Your Relationship. Here’s What To Do When It Happens
Sex can feel like one of the most private and intimate parts of your relationship. You may not feel comfortable sharing your experience with others. This is especially true if your relationship has hit a sexual slump.
A lot of sexually frustrated couples also struggle to communicate with each other. This can make you feel even more isolated. You could be left with a lot of unanswered questions.
You may find yourself asking: Do we have sex less than everyone else? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Is there any way to fix things? And, of course, is what we’re going through normal?
The good news is that feeling sexually frustrated in your relationship is absolutely normal. The even better news is that it is possible to reignite your sexual spark.
Dr. Megan Fleming is a clinical psychologist at Cornell University. She says sexual frustration is very common. A lot of couples seek help when they experience changes to their sex life. There's no shame in wanting to be in a sexually fulfilling relationship.
Here’s what to do if you’re sexually frustrated in your relationship:
Check if there are any medical conditions affecting your sex life
Alicia Pinkston is an AASECT-certified sex therapist. She is also pursuing a PhD in Clinical Sexology. Pinkston says it’s important to see whether there might be medical factors causing a decrease in libido. She suggests this is one of the first things to do when you start to experience sexual frustration.
It could be worth looking at the medication you and your partner are taking. Some medications have side-effects that affect libido. For example, people on antidepressants will sometimes feel less sexual desire. Medication for blood pressure or diabetes can also cause changes to your sex life.
If you’re feeling concerned about your medications, your doctor will be able to give you advice. Sometimes there are ways to combat the side effects. Other times your doctor may put you onto a different medication used to treat the same condition.
Women who are experiencing a loss of libido may need to check their hormone levels. Changes in hormones are a common, but often overlooked reason why women stop enjoying sex.
Going onto a birth control pill could affect a woman’s libido. Likewise, women may have fluctuating hormones when they go off birth control. Women going through menopause may also experience a shift in their sexual desire.
The bottom line:
Undiagnosed medical conditions could be affecting your sex life. Certain medications are also known to decrease libido. This is why experts recommend going for a medical check-up if you’re feeling sexually frustrated.
Communicate with your partner
You may like fried eggs, while your partner prefers scrambled. You may prefer going out, while your partner prefers staying in. When you’re in a relationship, it’s standard to have different opinions. You’ve probably grown to accept and love the things about your partner that make them different.
Sexual preferences are no exception. Your partner is likely to enjoy different things in the bedroom. And that’s ok! Their preferences help to shape who they are as individuals.
It’s important to find ways to talk about sex. This will help you to learn each other’s likes and dislikes. It’ll also help you to learn how often your partner wants to have sex. The two of you may not have the exact same level of desire.
Alicia Pinkston believes open communication will lead to negotiation. You may not agree on everything. But you might be able to reach certain compromises that work for both of you.
Open communication has also been found to boost sexual satisfaction. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships supports this theory.
The study examined 116 couples. The researchers found that couples who spoke openly about sex felt more satisfied in their relationships. The couples also reported having better sex lives.
The bottom line:
Open communication is an important part of a healthy relationship. Try not to make sex an “off-limits” topic. Talking about how you feel will help you and your partner to understand each other’s needs. This could improve how sexually satisfied you both feel.
Don't play the blame game
There’s a reason why people use the term “sexual frustration”. If you aren’t sexually satisfied, you may be feeling annoyed and irritable. It’s important not to blame your partner for those feelings.
Pointing fingers at your partner will only lead to more tension and unhappiness. It could also make your partner feel insecure.
Try to remember that both of you have a sexual role to play. As cliche as it may sound, it really does take two to tango. This means that what your partner is doing isn’t necessarily wrong. The two of you just aren’t working in sync.
Dr. Megan Fleming suggests seeing your frustration as an opportunity to better your relationship. She recommends bringing your feelings up after you’ve had sex. This will ensure that you and your partner are both feeling secure and in a good mood.
Instead of talking about what your partner did wrong, Fleming recommends highlighting the things you really liked. You can then ask your partner to do more of what you enjoy.
The bottom line:
If your sex life isn’t satisfying, it doesn’t mean that one of you is at fault. Instead of blaming your partner, try to channel your frustration into discussing the things you’d like more of in the bedroom.
Look after your mental health
Dr. Jennifer Berman is a sexual health expert. She says that stress and anxiety can lower your libido. It can also lower your interest in sex, and make it more difficult to orgasm. This is worsened if the stress is continuous and ongoing.
If your sex life feels strained, perhaps you need to evaluate your stress levels. Have you or your partner been under a lot of pressure at work? Are either of you feeling more anxious than usual? This could be the root cause of your sexual frustration.
Research has also found that depression may lower your sex drive. A study published in 2012 found that depressed people have lower libido. The study also noted that people with depression have sex less often.
If you’re concerned that you or your partner are depressed, it’s best to consult a trained psychologist. They will be able to make that diagnosis. They’ll also be able to help you start the healing process.
The bottom line:
Sex isn’t just a physical act. Your mental health is also a factor. Sexual frustration may be caused by stress, anxiety or depression. So, it’s important to look after yourself physically and mentally.
Try not to repeatedly reject your partner
It’s unrealistic to think that you and your partner will always want to have sex at the exact same time. Sometimes, you might not be in the mood. This is why your partner should understand if you decline their sexual advances every now and again.
It becomes problematic if you start to decline sex every time your partner suggests it. This is according to Dr. John Gottom. His research shows that partners who are constantly rejected will start to put less effort into their sexual relationships.
This is because being rejected can make people feel hurt and embarrassed. A person who is constantly rejected will want to save themselves from future awkwardness. They’ll eventually stop trying to initiate sex because they predict that their partner will always decline.
If you feel as if you hardly ever want to have sex, it’s likely that it’s because your libido is low. This doesn’t mean that you don’t find your partner desirable. Rather it means that your sex drive is low in general. It could be worth having this discussion with your partner. This may help them to feel less insecure and embarrassed about being rejected.
The bottom line:
Try not to shoot your partner down every time they initiate sex. Over time, your partner might give up on trying to make sexual advances. If your libido is low, it’s better to explain how you're feeling rather than reject them without explanation.
Clear your schedule
Chantal Heide is a human relations expert and dating coach. She believes that being too busy may impact your sex life. This is because people who are juggling a lot of different tasks may start to put sex lower on their priority list.
Heide notes that this is especially the case for parents. Couples who have fulltime jobs and parenting duties may feel as if they don’t have the time to have sex.
If you’re looking for ways to improve your sex life, it might help to clear your schedule. This will give you more time to spend with your partner. Once you’ve had a period of uninterrupted, quality time, you may feel the sparks reigniting.
The bottom line:
Your sex life could be taking strain because your schedule is too busy. If you have too many things to check off your to-do list every day, the prospect of sex may not even cross your mind. Try to set time aside to spend with your partner. Being less busy may help you two to rekindle.
Create intimacy… and not just sexual intimacy
Being intimate doesn’t only involve sex. It’s important to feel a sense of closeness in every aspect of your relationship.
You can create intimacy by finding ways to be present and emotionally available. Your partner is likely to feel closer to you if they feel as if you listen to them. They’re likely to feel loved and secure if you show interest in all aspects of their life.
Dr. John Gottom sees emotional availability as a way in which to invest in your relationship. When you find ways to connect to your partner, you deposit into what he calls your emotional bank account. When you ignore your partner’s attempts to connect with you, you withdraw from the account.
Much like your real bank account, having a negative balance in your emotional bank account is not a good sign. He believes that once your emotional bank account is empty, you begin to feel disconnected and lonely. This can cause your sex life to diminish.
The bottom line:
A good sex life needs to hinge on a feeling of emotional intimacy and closeness. If you’re feeling sexually frustrated, it could be beneficial to find new ways to emotionally connect with your partner.
Make time for romance
Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg is a psychologist with expertise in Sexual Dysfunction. She is also the co-director of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program. She notes that the early stages of a relationship are usually filled with a lot of passion. This is because you get a dopamine rush after having sex with your partner.
Over time, it’s natural for that dopamine rush to fade away. This makes having sex with your partner feel less desirable.
Kingsberg believes that this shouldn’t mean that sex has an expiry date. Rather, it should mean that you need to start working harder on your relationship the more it progresses. While passion used to come naturally, long-term couples may need to find new ways to reignite it.
This is why she says that “smart and successful couples recognise that romance takes work and that it has to be stoked”.
The bottom line:
It’s important to maintain the romance in your relationship. This is especially true if you’re in a long-term relationship. Working on romance will help you to keep the passion in your relationship alive.
To conclude:
Many couples go through periods where they feel sexually frustrated. These feelings are common, and you and your partner don’t need to feel at fault, embarrassed or ashamed.
If you’re feeling concerned about your sex life, it’s important not to feel as if it’s taboo to talk things through. Having honest, vulnerable conversations with your partner, doctor or psychologist will help you to find the cause of your frustration.
Rest assured, if you find ways to communicate, and you show your partner you still care, it’s likely that you’ll get your sex life back on track.
What other ways do you manage sexual frustration in your relationship? Let me know in the comments below.
