Lifestyle

Stay Friends After Divorce: Why, Coping, and Moving On

Stay Friends After Divorce Why, Coping, and Moving On

Divorce can be a long, complicated journey. It may take years for you to finally admit to wanting to split up. And then it can take even longer to go through the legal process. Unfortunately, the journey doesn’t end once the divorce papers are signed.


Navigating life after a divorce can be tricky. You’ll need to decide how you’d like to reshape your life. And you’ll need to decide whether you want your ex to be a part of that new life.

Cutting your ex out of your life is certainly an option. But is it the healthiest option?

We’ve all seen how complicated breakups get when former couples avoid each other like the plague. Mutual friends have to tiptoe around the topic of the divorce. Children have to see their parents at separate holiday celebrations. And the former couples themselves can’t be in the same room for 5 minutes without arguing with each other.

Pretending your ex is a stranger may seem like the easiest option when you’re hurt or angry. But there are many reasons why staying friends could be a better choice in the long run.

This article will outline some of the key reasons why you and your ex should stay friends. It will also discuss ways to cope with the newfound friendship, and how the friendship could help you to move on.

Why you should stay friends

Avoiding friendship could mean you're in denial

Avoiding friendship could mean you're in denial
Avoiding friendship could mean you're in denial

Dr. Seth Meyers is a licensed clinical psychologist, author and relationship expert. His professional experiences have led him to believe that love never dies.

Dr. Meyers believes that couples who get divorced often choose to repress their love. They find it easier to believe that they can switch off the love they once felt. But in reality, it’s always bubbling below the surface.

When you’re going through a divorce, you may find that you prefer to treat your ex like a stranger. You might also find that the feelings you have towards them are anger, resentment and sadness.

But could those feelings be masking that there’s a part of you that still loves and misses your ex?

Dr. Meyers believes that you can’t love someone day after day for years, and then instantly stop loving that person. Being in denial about your feelings could cause emotional harm in the long run.

It might be better to repurpose your love, rather than pretend it doesn’t exist. Becoming friends with your ex might give you a healthy way to show your ex you still care.

You were friends before you got married

You were friends before you got married
You were friends before you got married

Every couple’s journey to marriage is different. Some couples have passionate, whirlwind romances based on sexual attraction. For others, romance is more of a slow-burn. They start out as friends, and their relationships slowly progress.

Rachel Sussman is a licensed psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible. She believes that couples who were friends first are more likely to succeed as friends after they break up.

If your marriage was based on a strong foundation of friendship, it might come naturally to you to revert back to friendship after you break up. You may even find that you learn that you and your ex work better as friends than as a couple.

Sussman also notes that couples who dated when they were young find it easier to become friends after they get divorced.

If you have a long history with your ex, it stands to reason that you will still have mutual interests and mutual friends.

You have children together

You have children together
You have children together

Dr. Gail Gross is a recognized family, child development, and human behavior expert. She believes that when you have children, your relationship really is “until death do us part”.

This is because leaving your spouse divorces you from your relationship. But it doesn’t divorce you from your shared responsibilities as co-parents.

Dr. Gross believes that couples who have hostile divorces burden their children. This is because children are left feeling like they have to pick a side in the fight. They may grapple with feelings of anxiety and with loyalty issues.

Dr. Gross also notes that children going through a difficult divorce may feel confused about their own identities. This is because children understand that they are partly a product of you, and partly a product of your ex.

When you insult aspects of your ex’s character, your child may indirectly feel as if you’re insulting them. This may leave children feeling insecure. They may even start to feel guilty about being similar to their parents.

Making peace with your ex could be a way to ensure your children feel loved and supported during the divorce process. According to Dr. Gross, your friendship with your ex will “gift your child with the chance for a happy and healthy childhood”.

Holding onto anger will stop you from moving on

Holding onto anger will stop you from moving on
Holding onto anger will stop you from moving on

Divorce can be an emotionally draining process. The stress may even take its toll on you physically. This might make you feel as if you can’t wait to rid yourself of your ex. You may see distancing yourself from your ex as a way to finally put the divorce behind you.

Wendy Paris is the author of Splitopia: Dispatches from Today’s Good Divorce. She believes that it’s damaging to cut off all contact with your ex. This is because going “cold turkey” cuts you off from a lot of your past memories and experiences.

Your ex is often the person who was with you for the majority of your adult years. They helped shape you into the person you are today. Paris believes that staying friends with your ex is a good way to acknowledge your past self.

Once you accept who you were and your history, it might be easier to move on.

How to cope with becoming friends

Make a conscious choice to keep things peaceful

It’s no secret that divorce proceedings can become stressful and complicated. You and your ex face a lot of tough decisions during the legal process. You may not agree on crucial matters, like the custody of your children. This can make your ex feel more like your enemy than your friend.

Lillian Messinger is a marriage counselor, specializing in post-divorce relationships. She notes that it took two to create your marriage. Likewise, it should take two to determine how peacefully you get divorced.

Messinger suggests approaching the divorce with maturity and a willingness to compromise. If both you and your ex approach divorce with this attitude, your divorce is more likely to be peaceful and amicable.

Allow the dust to settle

Dr. Tina B. Tessina is a therapist and the author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She believes that it’s important to acknowledge that you and your ex probably won’t be friends straight away.

You don’t need to force a new friendship with your ex, especially if you’re still hurting from the divorce. Pushing yourself or your ex may drive you two further apart rather than closer together.

Dr. Tessina suggests taking time to “do the grieving that you need, face your feelings, and understand what happened”.

Once you’ve allowed the dust to settle, you’ll be able to start a genuine friendship with your ex.

Accept your ex for who they are

There are bound to be reasons why you chose to get a divorce. You may have felt like your partner wasn’t responsible with money. Or you may have become frustrated by their lack of emotional intimacy.

The bad news is that it’s unlikely that your ex’s bad habits will disappear. The good news is that you don’t have to care as much anymore.

Dr. Tessina notes that friendships don’t carry as much weight as marriages. This is because you don’t have to commit to sharing your life with your friend.

You’re far more likely to look past your friend’s quirks and rather choose to focus on their good qualities. For a friendship with your ex to work, you need to afford them the same courtesy.

Remember that your ex’s behavior doesn’t affect your life anymore. This will make it easier to distance yourself from their habits.

Moving on after divorce

A fresh start is on the horizon

A fresh start is on the horizon
A fresh start is on the horizon

It’s important to remember that you and your ex used to love each other. It’s why you got married in the first place.

Dr. Gail Gross believes that something new can be born out of the love that used to exist.

Once the anger and pain have faded, you and your ex could share a fresh start together.

Your commitment to each other as a couple may not have worked out. But you can choose to commit to each other in a new way.

A committed, loving friendship will be like a clean slate. It will allow both of you to move on, while still being in each other’s lives.

The bottom line

Divorcing your ex doesn’t have to mean removing them from your life. You may divorce them as your spouse. But you don’t have to divorce them as your friend.

Actively deciding to keep the divorce proceedings peaceful may help you to kickstart a friendship with your ex. But it’s important not to pressure yourself or your ex into anything. Once the dust has settled, the two of you may find that you naturally start to form a new bond.

There’s far less pressure in a friendship, so it may be easier for you to overlook some of your ex’s quirks and bad habits. You may even start to see a new side to your ex that makes you appreciate them in a new way. This gives you a chance to channel the love you felt for your ex into a caring friendship.

While it may seem easier to cut off ties with your ex. It’s important to ask yourself whether you really want to be avoiding your ex for weeks, months and even years after the divorce. This behavior will make it harder for you to move on in the long run.

Establishing a friendship with your ex may also help you to co-parent in a more effective and peaceful way. Your children may end up thanking you for choosing friendship over fighting.

Do you think it’s important to stay friends with your ex after divorce? How do you think former couples build lasting friendships? I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments below.