Sex After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask
Life after a divorce can appear daunting. It doesn’t matter who placed the first call to a divorce attorney. It doesn’t matter how troubling or amicable the legal steps to dissolving the marriage is. You begin to deal with several issues at once:
Looking at the prospects of living a life without your partner whom you’ve once shared your life with. You struggle to adjust to a lifestyle of singlehood that you abandoned a long time ago. This sudden significant shift in most parts of your life can be nightmarish. To top it all, you’re about thinking about how to manage your sex life.
It’s difficult to neglect even as the ties of marriage are being severed or have been severed. Dormant and long-suppressed sexual desires start slipping through the cracks. It breaks your resolve once in a while and becomes frequent as the days roll past. You begin to think about taking off your clothes and getting intimate. But this time with someone else.
If you’re recently divorced, stepping into this uncharted world may leave you wondering. You may have some concerns seeing and becoming sexually active with a new person. Before getting under the sheets, below are 5 questions to ask yourself.
1. Am I ready to explore?
Broken marriages often leave one or both partners emotionally unavailable. And depending on the events that led to the split, you may not be ready to get under the sheets with a new person.
Sex therapist, Laurie J. Watson, says:
Our strongest drive is to be deeply attached to another person. Sometimes divorced people are told to wait a prescribed period of time but I find that advice artificial. Many times, people have already processed the end of an empty marriage before it is technically over. But certainly, after experiencing the loss of divorce, it’s important to make sure you’re emotionally healthy enough to partner with someone new.
Since we are different people, our experiences and eagerness to explore this newfound freedom differ. How can you tell that you’re now ready to date or have sex with a new person?
Watson suggests pondering on these questions: Is your self-esteem prepared enough to make you see yourself as a desirable person? Is it possible to go on a date with someone without feeling like boring them with stories of your ex? Are you ready to get rejected if a date turns out to be strictly platonic and nothing more?
Psychologists and sex therapist, Dr. Shannon Chavez, says:
For the individuals who have done the work [dealt with the pain of divorce], they will start to feel a lightness in their being, and are probably ready to share their sexuality with a new partner. But for those who haven’t, or who are still trying to gain clarity as to what happened within the breakdown of the marriage, not so much.
The importance of being ready both physically and emotionally to explore your sexual desires cannot be underplayed. If you are yet to heal from the pang of the divorce and feel better, you need to wait it out.
You can seek therapy if you’re still struggling to gain inner peace after a divorce. A professional can help unearth your personal issues, which will help to deal with them quicker.
If you decide to jump into a new relationship too soon, you risk creating negative habits. This can lead to botched up relationships if you’re looking for something serious. Which brings us to the next question.
2. What kind of relationship am I looking for?
Now that you’ve determined whether you’re emotionally ready to explore, the kind of relationship you want to get into matters. This is often determined by how long you wait it out before having sex. There are two ways to look at this:
Casual sex
If you’re looking to have a fling with someone, you don’t have to wait too long before having sex. It seems to be the in-thing for recently divorced partners. It’s rather convenient when you look at it. Casual relationships offer a “no strings attached” arrangement for both persons involved.
This means you don’t have any responsibility to fulfill outside your sexual needs. You don’t have to regularly check up on that person or even go on dates. You don’t even bother what you think of that person and vice versa. You don’t have to even talk about your work, kids (if any), or anything of the sort. Physical values, political views, or compatibility has no role to play in this kind of relationship.
Dr. Chavez admits that while casual sex is particularly healthy for a divorced partner, it can get complicated. “You may go into an encounter thinking it will be casual, but your emotions could change that. This could add more hurt or stress to a season of your life that needs none of that. It’s best to refrain until you’ve emotionally processed the divorce.”
If your intentions are purely physical, you need to communicate that to this person. This is to avoid catching feelings in the nearest future. We’ve seen it in the movies. It’s always a struggle when one person begins to develop feelings. While it ends well for both persons involved on the big screen, it isn’t the case in real life.
Something serious
If you’re looking to have something serious, you don’t need to rush things with regards to sex. If the idea of being in bed with someone means more to you, you need to take your time. This will give you the opportunity to know more about the other person.
You may need to know this new person on a friendship level, at least. You’d need to be sure of their viewpoints on certain basic issues. More so, you have to be sure you’re both sexually compatible before going at it.
A couple of dates will shed light on this, and you can determine if you want to follow through with it. Whatever decision you’re going with, trust your intuition. It will lead you right.
3. How do I feel about doing with a new person?
This is an important question to ask yourself before deciding to have sex with someone. You may develop some guilt. It’d seem as though you’re cheating on your ex, even after a divorce. You’d feel like you’re betraying the trust of your ex. Even the mere thought of having sex with a person would seem off-putting.
It’s totally normal to feel awkward but don’t dwell on such feelings. You’re not guilty, and your marriage has now become a thing of the past.
Sex after divorce comes with many possibilities. You may have sex with this new person and develop unpleasant emotions about it. Most times, this is as a result of still having feelings with your ex. Which is why it is important to deal with every emotional issue about the divorce first.
Then again, you can get under the sheets with someone and feel good about it. Arriving at this stage, for some people, will take time. But it will definitely happen, and you will be better for it.
Watson says “Keep in mind that “sex” doesn’t have to mean actual intercourse. It can be delightful teasing touches, outercourse (touching and rubbing fully clothed), or erotic massage, or it might mean sexting and phone sex.”
4. What do I need to feel safe when having sex?
Most people neglect the vital need to feel safe when getting into a new relationship. Before your divorce, your ex knew a lot about you. This includes what you liked when getting down. How you liked to be touched and the sexual positions that made you feel good. These are details that you may not fully understand but experience nonetheless.
A new partner may not be so lucky to get these details right the first time. Hence, it is important to know these details before you get into the sheets with another person.
Dr. Chavez says:
I actually suggest masturbation during a time like this, as well as deep consideration about what you want and need. You may have spent years conforming to your spouse’s or children’s needs or even suppressing your own. So, the more you get to rebuild clarity around what you want from your sex life, the more incredible it will be when you come together with someone else.
It is also important to discuss these needs with the new person to have a satisfactory experience.
You should also consider your sexual health status and that of your new partner. It is important for both of you to have discussions about your sexual histories. Most people are not aware if they are carriers of STDs. Studies have shown that women are at higher risk of contracting STIs including HIV than men. Thus, until you’re absolutely sure that you or the other person is free, do not have unprotected sex.
Thus, talks surrounding who gets to wear a condom must suffice.
5. When and how do I begin trading information with this person?
Deciding on sharing sensitive information with a potential partner is often difficult. You don’t know what, when, and how to reveal stuff about yourself to this other person. If you’re feeling troubled over this, considering the following.
If the relationship is of a casual nature, you don’t need to go into details about yourself. However, if you have a history of any STI, it is best to discuss this calmly with the other person. And this should be done before having sex. It would also give you an opportunity to know of the person’s sexual health status.
If you’re looking to begin something serious, you don’t have to bare it all out on the first date. If you dish out everything on the first date, the other person may quickly chicken out. And this will leave you distraught. You need to be able to trust this person before divulging details about yourself.
It is recommended to discuss yourself over a series of dates. That way, you can analyze if they’re also a good match for you long-term.
Thinking of having sex after a divorce can leave you confused. Thus, take your time and answer these questions. You will feel better and make informed choices about getting with someone else.
