Dating A Man Who Is Separated But Not Yet Divorced?
It’s complicated when you think about it. You meet someone new and both of you seem to sync and connect easily. You go on several dates together as casual friends, and you feel the warmth both of you exude. You feel butterflies in your belly at the mere sight of him. But then, you feel something else. Not from you, but him.
You ask him about it and you catch his shifty eyes. But you prod him further, insisting that he’d be transparent. He tells you he’s separated from his wife but not yet divorced. You love him, but you know that this new info has put a strain on your relationship. You can’t help but think you’re doing some wrong, dating a married man.
Anyone in this phase can feel terrible about it. Clinical psychologist, Randi Gunther, says “This is one of the most common dilemmas my patients have brought to me over the past four decades. Though there are multiple variations on the theme, there is one way in which they all are similar: two women are in a competitive triangle with the same man.”
Separated men don’t do so well on online dating websites and even social hangouts for singles. Most women ignore them as soon as the true nature of their marital status is out. Many women dating separated but not divorced men have pulled away from such triangles. You may be feeling that way when you think about it:
Reasons why women pull away from separated but not yet divorced men
1. They feel the man isn’t emotionally ready to date someone else
Divorce is often the finality of marital life. It means a door has been shut, with another door ready to be open. With separated men, it isn’t exactly the case. They are not only dealing with divorce proceedings which may take a lot of time. They are also facing a troubled family, sharing responsibilities with their wives.
It’s almost difficult to not assume that these men are not in the place to invite someone else into their lives. Women who pull away from these men do so because they think these men have a lot on their plate at the moment. This assumption isn’t far fetched as it mostly appears so. But that isn’t usually the case.
2. They think they’re being played
Admit it, who in their right minds would want to date a ‘married’ man? Dating a man who is in the process of a divorce can feel like he’s playing silly games. People often think the last thing on that man’s mind is to get into a relationship with someone else. This assumption may lead them to believe separated men are looking for outside action.
This fear has prevented a lot of relationships from moving from its initial phase. No woman wants to give their heart to someone who’d bash it. No one wants to ever feel like they’re walking on eggshells with a man who is not yet divorced.
Have separated men ever toyed with women’s hearts before? The answer is affirmative. But it is a bad idea to rope all separated men into that construct. Not all separated men are players. Some of them may be genuinely giving love another chance in their lives. You could be missing out on a great relationship with a separated man if you feel this way. However, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be careful. With a separated man, it could go right or wrong.
3. Friends and folks advised against it
Friends and family members play vital roles in people’s lives. They are not only there to love and support, but tender guidance when needed. It is not out of place for friends to advise against dating a separated man that is not yet divorced. No one would love to see their friends or folks heartbroken and hurt.
No one wants to live with the guilt of preventing a mistake from ever happening if only they had advised against it. Thus, women who back away from men do so because their friends might have influenced that move.
4. Jealous that the soon-to-be-ex is still in his life
A lot of women hate being jealous of the fact that another woman is in their man’s life. For separated men, this is a huge problem. Their soon-to-be ex-wives will always be a part of their life, even if not emotionally. Shared responsibilities such as co-parenting (if there are kids) are somewhat seen as competition.
This often prevents women from taking steps with dating a separated man. They feel like they’d always been seen as ‘the other woman’. It is difficult to deal with.
5. The man might still be living with his separated partner
Another reason women avoid dating separated men is if they’re still living with their separated partner. With irregular spikes in apartment rents, it is difficult for some couples to live in different homes while separated. In such cases, while processing the divorce, they may decide to lead different lives even in the same apartment.
Most women are not so open to the idea of dating such men. It’s a deal-breaker for some, and they won’t hesitate to cut off ties with separated men.
6. The fear that the man may get back together with the wife
This has prevented a lot of women from starting something beautiful with a separated man. Yes, there is a possibility that a man might get with his separated wife. But we are all different people and every divorce case is unique.
A divorce paper doesn’t prevent couples from getting back together. Then again, because a man is not yet divorced doesn’t mean he isn’t planning to get it over with. Every situation is unique and should be treated as such.
7. The man isn’t suffering the pain of a potential divorce
Divorce is never easy for any party involved, no matter how amicable it appears. One would expect a separated man to be emotionally shut off to the idea of a new relationship. The mere idea that a separated man is relieved and enthusiastic about finding love again breeds suspicion.
Relationship expert, Jackie Pilossoph, says
This is one of the most common dilemmas my patients have brought to me over the past four decades. Though there are multiple variations on the theme, there is one way in which they all are similar: two women are in a competitive triangle with the same man.
Tips for dating a man who is separated but not yet divorced
If you look beyond these reasons not to date a separated man, here are some tips to manage the complicated situation.
1. Understand the current situation
Before accepting a separated man into your life, you need to be able to understand the circumstances first.
Relationship author, Rachael Pace, says
That's true, but who cares? That's temporary. My opinion is that for most people, by the time their divorce is final, they've been checked out for so long, that the only thing you feel is relief, finality and perhaps a little sadness, which lasts for about a day and a half.
Whatever the case, understand that a separated man is still legally bound to his wife. As long as the divorce process is ongoing, he has a responsibility to his ex and their children (if any). You should also understand that he could be emotionally unavailable for a relationship. Recently separated men tend to be distraught, heartbroken, and even too hurt to venture into another relationship.
Relationship writer, Kacie McCoy suggests asking him the following questions for clarification:
- Is the divorce process actually ongoing or stalled?
- Has he told his wife that he’s seeing someone else?
- Is he keeping it a secret from his wife?
- Why is he opting to date when the divorce isn’t a done deal yet?
- What happened to have led to the separation in the first place? Who initiated it and why? An understanding of this will influence your decision to date him or walk away.
These questions need answers before you make up your mind.
2. Hide your jealousy
This may be a very complicated and difficult thing to do, but try to shield your jealousy. As long as the divorce process hasn’t been finalized, he has a commitment to his wife. If they happen to have kids together, know that his time and commitment may be divided.
There will be times where his attention will be called upon, even at odd hours. He may be responsible for babysitting duties when his wife has to be elsewhere. His presence may be needed at the divorce attorney’s office. Any woman in your position will feel like they’re not a priority and get jealous or angry.
Even after the divorce, remember that there are still some legal obligations he’d be fulfilling if he has kids. You should try to channel your focus on the relationship with him instead.
3. Know the risks involved
Dating a separated man comes with several obvious risks. You need to be fully aware of all the risks involved as you begin a life with him. Some of them include:
He may decide to return to his wife. While the divorce process is ongoing, there’s always the possibility that he may get back with his wife and kids. Even if the divorce is a done deal, he may likely return to his ex. That’s one risk you have to live with.
He may be sleeping with his wife. Some separated couples still have sex together. They’re legally bound to. You need to be aware if he’s still having sex with his wife while professing love to you.
He may be sleeping with other women. The separated man you’re interested in maybe sleeping with several women. You have to go with your gut here, and protect yourself from STIs. Most women will choose not to date a man until he’s fully divorced. If you’re ready to stick with him, you need to be sure he’s genuinely the one for you and not just another player out there.
He may be using you as a means to heal. If he’s recently separated, you may be walking into something unpleasant. These men are usually hurt and heartbroken. And he could be using your love and attention as a means to deal with the pain of separation. It is always to date someone that has been apart from his wife for several months.
4. Do not take on the role of a therapist
As much as you’d like to listen to him yap about his severed marriage, you’re not a therapist. Quite frankly, you do not possess the experience to help your man through this trying time. That’s the job of a professional couples’ therapist.
Pace says
There is a world of difference between dating a man who is freshly separated from his wife and one who has moved out, set up his own new place, and is just waiting for the final judgment of his divorce. The first situation is not ideal, and should you pursue a romance with this man, you need to be aware that there are risks. He could decide to go back to his wife and try again. She could decide the same.
You don’t want that.
You should let him know that while you understand what he’s going through, you’d prefer not to discuss it with him. He should seek therapy if he really needs to.
5. Know your role in his life
It is important to know your role in a separate man’s life. This will give you all the reassurance that you need to move forward with him or not. Does he still see you as a rebound lover? Is he just sleeping with you to get back at a wife that cheated on him? You need to know if he’s serious about splitting with his wife for good.
Dating a man who is separated but not yet divorced is a complicated affair. You need to listen and trust your instincts to know if you should date him or not.
