9 Totally Valid Reasons For Breaking Up With Someone
It can be difficult to know when to call it quits in a relationship. There is a fine balance between sticking it out through the tough times and knowing when moving on is the best option.
All relationships have problems and none are perfect, in spite of what some people (and social media) might lead you to think. But there are some valid reasons to take a long hard look at whether or not staying in the relationship is worth it.
1. You don’t fight fair
Believe it or not, there are rules when it comes to fighting. In fact, it’s not that most couples have trouble with communication, they simply don’t know how to effectively argue. Some examples of fair fighting include sticking to one topic at a time, no name-calling, no threats of divorce or break-up, and taking responsibility for yourself.
John Gottman is a psychologist who has worked with couples for over 40 years. He has identified The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.
The four communication styles in an argument that Gottman found most dangerous include contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness.
Criticism involves offering a negative opinion of someone because they didn’t meet an expectation. An example would be telling your partner, ‘You’re an idiot!’ because they couldn’t find their car keys. Rather than focusing on the problem at hand, the person’s character is attacked.
Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself and ward off a perceived attack. Adopting a defensive attitude in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but it’s not helpful. Examples of defensiveness involve denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with a counter-complaint. An example would be asking your partner to be on their phone less and they respond with, “well, you are always on your phone!”
Stonewalling happens when someone simply refuses to respond. When a person stonewalls, they shut down and stop talking. This may result in them physically leaving, using the silent treatment, avoiding listening to you, and refusing to communicate further.
Contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce. Once it’s there, trying to break out of this communication method with a partner is very difficult.When communicating in this way, a person is at their nastiest. It goes beyond basic statements of character. It is an attack, a way for someone to say “You are less than me.”
There is a difference in criticism and contempt.
Criticism sounds like this:
“You’re always turning the house into a mess. You never think about how I’m the one who has to clean up after you!”
Contempt, however, changes this same problem into a much meaner response:
“What a surprise. More dirty clothes on the floor. You know, sometimes it feels like I live with a toddler—and a dumb one at that. How many times do I have to tell you to stop being such a slob?”
Body language is also a key component of contempt. Eye rolling and sneering convey disgust in these situations. Expressing frustration in this way doesn’t happen overnight, though. It usually emerges after a long pattern of consistent, failed attempts at conflict resolution.
2. You are afraid of being yourself
According to this article in Psychology Today, it is a warning sign to be taken seriously if you frequently have to apologize to your partner for who you are. Does it seem that you are never good enough? Do your partner's standards feel like they can never be met?
If you can’t be yourself with someone you love and who claims to love you, that’s a sign that your best bet is to leave the relationship. You shouldn’t have to act in a certain way to meet your partner’s approval. You are good enough, as is.
You shouldn’t be made to feel like you are "wrong" for being you.
Brenda Della Casa, the author of Cinderella Was A Liar: The Real Reason You Can’t Find (Or Keep) A Prince, says,
When your partner makes you feel like you can’t fully express yourself or punishes you or puts you down when you tell a joke or express an opinion they don’t like, it’s a problem. If you can’t be authentic with your partner and accepted for who you are, what’s the point of the relationship?
3. There is a lack of respect
If you feel belittled, dismissed, uncomfortable, or unheard most of the time, you are experiencing a lack of respect in your relationship. Yes, being with someone does require compromise, but it doesn’t involve ignored boundaries, controlling behavior, disrespect towards you and your family/friends, or a betrayal of your personal best interests.
In this article, Michelle Henderson, a licensed mental health counselor, says respect is all about following the golden rule. She notes, "Respect means treating someone the way you would like to be treated. It means honoring your partner's thoughts or opinions (even if you disagree)."
Henderson adds that it's totally appropriate to expect respect from your partner, and to be treated accordingly. "A healthy, respectful relationship is filled with both people showing each other love through touch, words, and actions regularly. Doing this indicates respect, caring, and concern for the other person," she says.
4. There is a significant imbalance in your relationship
In all relationships, there are times when one person relies on the other to shoulder the load. For example, illness or a job loss would cause there to be the need for one of you to take the reins for a bit.
If you find that you are always there for your significant other but they are rarely there for you, there may be an imbalance in the relationship. This may be that conversations always center around them and their needs and you never feel acknowledged or validated. Maybe you can’t rely on them to do what they say or affection and sexual advances are one-sided.
Dr. Mark D. White says that the value of a person can fade in their partner’s eyes or one person values the relationship more than the other. “One may say that such a relationship is doomed—and, in a way, it is, whether the relationship lasts or not. This kind of asymmetry is a crack in a couple's bond, and one that will only grow if it is not repaired, or at least acknowledged, addressed, and discussed.”
Dr. White goes on to say
If not, then both persons would be better off apart: The person who values the relationship more (or is valued less by the other person) deserves someone who shares his or her commitment, and the person who values the relationship (or other person) less is holding the other person back from enjoying the kind of relationship he or she wants (or needs).
5. The trust is gone
When people talk about trust in a relationship, they typically think of whether or not their significant other would be unfaithful. But there is much more to trust than that. It’s about believing that they have your best interests at heart and is an essential aspect of intimacy.
Do you feel the need to check their phone or monitor their social media? Is there a tendency to automatically jump to the worst case scenario when they don’t answer the phone or respond to texts? Can you be vulnerable with your partner? Would you trust them with your finances, the safety of your children, or family secrets?
According to Psychology Today, lack or loss of trust is one of the most harmful contagions to a couple’s long-term success. Without trust, a relationship misses two of the key anchors to a strong bond: safety and security.
Trust issues may include factors such as:
- jealousy
- possessiveness
- unreasonable rigidity
- emotional infidelity
- physical/sexual infidelity
- relational game playing
- lack of reliability and dependability
- lack of emotional support
- lack of financial compatibility
- lack of mutually-supportive goals
In his book, Beyond Boundaries – Learning to Trust Again in Relationships, Dr. John Townsend describes several common experiences of damaged trust:
Withdrawal – Instead of acting carefree, which is normal in a trusting relationship, you become more reserved in sharing personal information. You quit taking risks in the relationship because the safety net has been removed. Loneliness or feeling dead or frozen inside is common.
Movement to task – To compensate for the lack of trust in the relationship, you may over-invest yourself in tasks related to hobbies, work, school, church, or other activities. You stay active in other parts of your life because you find it easier to “do” than to “connect.” You shut down the personal part of your relationship with the other person.
Unbalanced “giver” relationships – Townsend points out that it’s common for a person to be the “giver” in all relationships and to avoid “receiving.” Being the giver allows you to remain safe from being vulnerable with another person. You will listen, help, and guide others, but withhold letting others help you. Being the giver also manifests itself in codependent relationships.
Bad habits – Trust issues can often lead to problematic behavioral patterns in your life. It’s easy to suppress our emotional feelings by over-eating, drinking too much, or other addictive behaviors.
Townsend goes on to say that distrust can spread through a relationship like a wildfire.
What starts as a small ember of doubt can mushroom into a full-on blaze of distrust if we don’t take steps to address it early. The best way to prevent distrust from taking root is to proactively focus on building trust. Trust must be continually developed and nurtured throughout the course of a relationship, not just when it’s been damaged.
6. You truly dislike your current situation
Happiness in a relationship will not always be at a peak. This is normal and expected in all couples. But maybe you’ve grown increasingly unhappy and you’re wondering if this is “normal” or a red flag that it’s time to move on.
Here are some ways to tell if you’re unhappy in your relationship, according to the experts.
Sara Stanizai, LMFT, says that the longer you're with someone, the more you can learn about them — but if you notice that you've stopped feeling curious about your partner and no longer have an active interest in getting to know them even better, that could be a red flag.
Another sign of unhappiness is that you're not so much independent as you are disinterested in your relationship. "You find yourself doing things you enjoy by yourself, you don’t include your significant other in a lot of activities and you’re becoming more of a loner" says Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW.
Tara Vossenkemper, LPC, notes that
In a healthy relationship, your partner should be someone you want to share things, both good and bad, with — and if you no longer feel the desire to share your life updates with your partner (or worse, you feel uncomfortable doing so), that might mean you aren't happy in your relationship anymore.
Vossenkemper adds,"This indicates that you don't get your needs met and you're not getting the type of conversation you want from sharing news. Part of being in a relationship is sharing wonderful news with your partner, as well as sharing bad news."
7. The “jokes” and criticisms cut to the core
There is nothing wrong with being playful with your partner. Playfulness in adults is positively associated with relationship satisfaction and specific types of attachment and love are related with this trait. Teasing can be a powerful way to show love and affection.
But teasing that is hurtful is called taunting, which when done repeatedly, borders on bullying.
According to domesticshelters.org,
While belittling can be violent and hurtful, sometimes belittling can have innocent intentions, even if it’s still not kind, like a misguided attempt at a joke or a teasing that goes a little too far. How can you tell the difference between an intentionally insulting joke and one that might have just been foolish? By the way it makes you feel less than, and by the lack of a sincere apology when you express how hurtful the comment was.
The key is being able to recognize good-natured, healthy teasing from teasing that attacks. If your partner doesn't stop teasing when you ask, or if the teasing becomes even more vindictive and hurtful after you've discussed it, then there could be some serious problems in your marriage, including emotional abuse.
If this is the case, you have a valid reason for ending the relationship.
8. You don’t like who you’ve become
April Masini, relationship expert and founder of Relationship Advice Forum, says, "Your best partner encourages you to be your highest self — whatever that is. You're both supported, and you both encourage and help each other to be the best versions of yourself.”
This study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examined how unhealthy relationships might make you a worse person. Self-growth doesn’t always mean gains in positive traits or behaviors. Sometimes self-growth can pull you towards unhealthy habits or behaviors, or make you more anxious, whiny, crude, or hurtful.
The potential negative changes from relationships reveal the importance of your partner choice. In entering a relationship, you risk becoming someone you might not wish to be.
Being in a relationship isn't easy. But there are certainly things you shouldn't compromise on. Giving up the best version of yourself is one of them.
9. Infidelity
A relationship can be rehabilitated after someone has been unfaithful, but it is a long and difficult road. If you wonder if you have what it takes to navigate this tough process, consider the following to help make your decision.
Has your partner been honest about the reasons for cheating?
Have they genuinely apologized and admitted the whole truth? Do they take responsibility for their actions or blame external factors (boredom, alcohol, etc.)?
Most importantly, have they ended all contact with the other person?
Dr. Sheri Meyers, a marriage and family therapist and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship, says,
They can’t just put what they did away in the vault, talk about it once, and move on. They must take responsibility for their actions and prove their commitment to the relationship every day.
"If they blame their partner or lack insight into their actions, chances are, they'll do it again," Meyers said.
If you've noticed one of these nine things in your relationship, it's time to have a serious discussion. If you've noticed several of these things, it's probably time to say goodbye.
