If You Regret Breaking Up With Your Ex, Don’t Panic—Here’s What To Do
Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary. But what should you do if you’re overcome with regret after breaking up with your ex?
This article will help you determine if the regret is valid and you should try to patch things up with your ex, or if the regret is a trick of your mind. It will also offer solutions should you determine that your regret isn't based in reality.
Are You Sure It’s Regret?
Studies show that love is like a drug—especially new love and attraction affect our brain in similar ways to various drugs. This is why when meeting someone new who you are attracted to, you may want to slow it down. Because your judgment becomes skewed from the high.
It’s not just young love that makes us feel high—old love can too. According to Stony Brook University, breaking up with someone will give you similar symptoms to cocaine withdrawal. Various feel-good chemicals in our brain, like oxytocin, are activated by touch and human connection. When you break up with someone, your levels of oxytocin drop, and you feel the emotional loss.
What’s more, scans of the human brain have shown that it responds to a breakup in a similar way to how it responds to a broken bone. Meaning you will feel pain, whether you like it or not!
When you experience a break-up and start feeling the pain, your first instinct is to go back to the person you broke up with. This can happen even if you logically know it’s a bad idea. This is why it’s so important to be aware of this, as it can help you to stop acting on your impulses.
Take Time to Reset Your Brain
There is a way to find out if you are truly missing your ex, or simply trying to get rid of the pain of the breakup. What you do, is set aside 30-90 days where you do not speak with your ex. Not even on social media. If they reach out to you, you simply tell them you need some time apart. This is commonly known as the “No Contact Rule.”
The rationale behind the no contact rule is that it is only too tempting to have a piece of candy if it’s offered to us, so it’s better not to have any candy around. Also, time truly does bring perspective as it allows for our brain chemistry to stabilize. If you keep talking to your ex, emotions will keep getting triggered. This means the time to heal and find a balanced state of mind will take longer, or even become impossible.
Most of us have, at some point or another, dated someone we thought we were really into, only to think we must have been crazy once it's over. This is because we are no longer viewing them through a chemical high but through the eyes of someone with a clear mind.
What If Only I Had…
Maybe it’s not guilt that’s eating you alive, but regret. Maybe you truly love your ex and would have loved for it to work out. Only it didn’t. And now you are stuck in thinking that if only you had acted differently it could have worked out.
But you can’t go back in time. The reality is that the relationship ended where it did because things weren’t great. And whether you love your ex or not, it would never have worked out.
Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. says that most people miss the fantasy of what they wanted the relationship to be like, more than the actual relationship. Even if you feel you are wiser now and would have made different decisions going back, there is no saying that the relationship would have worked out. You don’t know that and it’s pointless speculating.
The best way to look upon it is that you are now wiser and will, therefore, attract a more suitable partner and know better how to act in the next relationship. And if something in the past is bugging you, then apologize for it.
Only for the Lonely
Sometimes it’s not the relationship we miss, but the companionship and our way of identifying as being a couple. As a single man, or woman, you now have to come home to an empty apartment at night, unless you have friends, or family over, or have children who live with you. What’s more, you have to attend social events and other functions by yourself. Having previously identified as being one half of a couple, this can cause you to feel confused as you feel as if you’ve lost part of your identity.
For many, this naturally leads to longing for the old relationship. However, learning to stand firmly on your own two feet can be extremely liberating. And forming new relationships can lead to a social life that's just as good, if not better. There are plenty of people out there looking to make new friends. So joining new social groups, attending networking events, and taking classes/workshops is a great idea. Even if it feels scary at first.
Apps like Bumble allow you to meet not just potential partners, but also friends. And organizations like Meetup and InterNations allow for people to create local meetups. As these kinds of social events are for people looking to meet new people, they also tend to spare you from the awkwardness bigger events can cause. Especially if you aren’t a social butterfly.
Dreaming Up a New Future
Now that your ex isn’t annoying you on a daily basis with all the things that used to drive you insane, it's easy dreaming up a rose tinged future with them. One that isn’t based in reality, as you've suddenly removed all those irritating habits they had as if by magic.
Many mourn the idea of what they thought the relationship would be like when they first met the person, more so than the actual relationship. Guy Winch, the author of How to Fix a Broken Heart, told the Independent that the best way to get over a breakup is to remember all the things that weren’t great!
Fear of Not Finding Anyone Better
Did you ever have fear of missing out on being with other people when in the relationship? Only to have fear of not finding anyone better than your ex when breaking up with them? This is partly because of the above-mentioned fantasies where your ex suddenly becomes much better than they were in real-life. However, it can also be rooted in the fear that you are not good enough.
If you follow the No Contact Rule, chances are that after a while you will start to discover that there are many attractive singles out there. All it takes is clearing your head of your ex. If you’re still feeling insecure about finding someone, then the problem likely lies in your own self-confidence.
A lack of self-confidence can spring from many different events/thoughts. The best way to deal with it is to either see a professional (therapist, or coach) or read books on the topic.
Is the Feeling of Guilt Eating You Alive?
OK, so maybe this is a little bit dramatic, but many people feel some level of guilt when breaking up with a person. Dr. Sophia Reed told Bustle that many people feel guilty breaking up with someone they care about because it’s causing the other person pain. It can also be guilt that the relationship did not turn out the way they first planned when getting together. This can lead to them feeling they have let their partner down somewhere along the way.
This kind of guilt can cloud your mind and make you act in irrational ways. Such as getting back together with your ex simply to relieve yourself of the feeling of guilt. You may talk yourself into thinking it will be different this time and that you owe it to them to try again. Or try a little harder than you have before.
While getting back together with someone may temporarily relieve your guilt, it will do little good. In fact, it will make matters worse if you aren’t truly interested in being with the other person. If you want to do right by them, then don’t give them false hope.
True Regret
If you have taken thirty days, or more, to think things through and you are still missing your ex, then you may truly regret breaking up. Maybe your temper got the best of you. Maybe you were feeling down because of other reasons and took it out on your ex. Maybe you were stressed at work and your ex one day pushed you over the limit. If you hadn’t been stressed already, what they did would never have caused the reaction it did.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today pointed out to Bustle that if it was just a heated argument that led to the breakup, then maybe you both said things you didn’t mean. Things got out of hand.
There are many reasons people act irrationally. The good thing is that you can owe up to it and do something about it. Especially if you take some time apart from your ex so that you can clear your brain.
If you truly want to get back together with your ex, take some time to study great relationships. There are a ton of books out there ranging from Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages and the classic Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray to David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man. Clearly, something in the relationship must have bothered you, or you wouldn’t have blown your fuse and you need to resolve those issues. Or maybe it was just your own internal issues, but in that case, those are the ones you need to focus on resolving.
Once you’re certain it’s the right decision, contact your ex and explain to them how you feel and why you acted the way you did. Take ownership of it, and tell them why you will not act that way again. If they are convinced you have truly changed your ways, then they may very well be willing to give the relationship another shot.
If You Know It’s Right but Still Feel Bad
Once the initial pang of pain is gone and your emotions are balanced you can see clearly. At this point, you may very well realize that it was the right decision to break up with your ex. That’s not to say that you’ll immediately feel great though. So what can you do to shift your mood?
The first thing is to ensure that your life becomes balanced. According to Psych Central, you should participate in hobbies and keep up self-care routines. Take time to work, socialize, exercise, and spend time alone reconnecting with self. Also, make sure you eat and sleep well. If any of these areas used to be dominated by your ex—such as always exercising with them—it can feel difficult in the beginning. You may miss the company even if you don’t want to be in a relationship with your ex.
It’s natural to grieve that the relationship is over even if you don’t want it back. It will hurt, you just have to make sure you don’t get stuck in that hurt.
Decide to truly focus on you. You have time on your hands now, so set your goals, get out there, meet new people, and try new experiences. Mary Jo Rapini, a psychotherapist suggests you try one new place a week, such as a coffee shop. Also, grow your skill-set and learn new things. No, you may not be inspired to do so if you are filled with sadness about your failed relationship, but once you get out there, things will start to shift. It’s just a matter of deciding to do it.
If you really feel stuck, then talk to a coach or therapist. Grieving can be difficult, but you shouldn’t have to get stuck in that phase. Things should be getting better day-by-day and having a helping hand to make it so can be great.
In Closing
Not all relationships are meant to last for life. Still, when you’ve recently broken up with someone it can be difficult to imagine that a better one is waiting just around the corner. It may also take some work on your behalf to become the person you need to be to have a great relationship. Once you get out of the initial stage of sadness and grief though, it becomes possible to imagine a better relationship. You will also have the space to do the work needed to create a great relationship.
