How to Tell Your Husband You Want a Divorce
It can take a long time to process that your marriage isn’t working out. A lot of women are unhappy in their marriages for years before considering divorce. And when divorce is on their radar, it can take a long time to decide whether it’s the best option for them.
So, after months or years of thinking this through, you’re finally feeling confident in your choices. You’ve reached a point of acceptance. You’re resolute in your decision to divorce your spouse.
This thought process may have felt like a journey in and of itself. It took a lot of soul-searching to get to this point. Unfortunately, in many ways, it’s just the beginning of your journey. You still need to break the news to your husband.
The way you approach the discussion with your husband could have an impact on the rest of the divorce process. It may affect how peaceful and amicable your split is. It may even affect how well your children cope with the separation. This is why it’s important to feel well-prepared for the conversation.
1. Be prepared and seek support, especially if you're in an abusive marriage
It’s important to make sure you and your children are safe during and after your divorce. This is especially true if you’re in an abusive relationship.
Telling an abusive spouse you want a divorce differs from telling a nonabusive spouse you want a divorce. This is because abusive husbands may act violently or maliciously. It doesn't matter how peacefully their wives approach the conversation.
Ruth Darlene is a domestic violence advocate. She is also the founder and executive director of WomenSV, a domestic violence non-profit organisation.
Darlene says that leaving an abuser is a process. It’s important to have outside support and a well-thought-out plan. This will help to ensure that you are more emotionally, logistically and financially secure.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides 24hr support. They provide crisis intervention for women in abusive marriages. They could also help you to create a safety plan for leaving your husband. You can visit their website or call them on 800-799-7322.
2. Get a professional's point of view
Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She recommends getting professional advice before telling your husband you want a divorce. This process could include seeing a therapist or consulting with a family law attorney.
Feuerman believes getting professional advice may change your mind about the divorce. On the other hand, it may also validate your decisions and make you feel more sure than ever.
3. Don't avoid difficult conversations
You may be tempted to avoid having a conversation with your husband about divorce. It can be difficult to find the courage to face your spouse when telling him the news. For some, this might be because the conversation will be too emotional and painful. For others, it might be because they feel a lot of anger and resentment towards their spouses.
It is possible to skip straight to the part where you hand your husband divorce papers. But experts warn against it. Dr. Sam Margulies says that you shouldn’t rush into the paperwork. He recommends having an honest, respectful conversation with your spouse.
Avoiding difficult conversations may feel like an easy way out. But it’s important to bear in mind that it’s only a temporary solution. Not communicating with your husband may make him feel blindsided. This is likely to make your split less amicable.
4. Break the news to your husband before you tell anyone else
Brian Galbraith is the owner and founder of Galbraith Family Law Professional Corporation. He recommends telling your spouse that you want a divorce before you tell family and mutual friends.
Bringing your family and friends into the situation could make the divorce process more complicated. Your spouse may also feel embarrassed when he realises that others know more about his marriage than he does.
By telling your husband first, you are showing that you respect his feelings. You are giving him the chance to process the news in private. Telling your friends and family about the divorce then becomes a mutual decision. You can both choose when and how to break the news.
5. Have the conversation in a public place
You may feel concerned about how your husband is going to react to the news. This is why experts recommend that you have the conversation about divorce in a public place.
Gabrielle Applebury is a marriage and family therapist. She suggests meeting your spouse in a public place that still allows for some privacy. For example, you could choose to meet in a relatively quiet coffee shop.
This ensures that your spouse feels that the conversation is still private. But it also gives you more protection. Your husband is less likely to react in a threatening way when he knows others can see him.
6. Show compassion and empathy for your husband
It’s important to remember that you’ve had time to process the prospect of leaving your husband. It’s likely that you experienced a lot of different emotions when considering divorce.
You may have reached a point of acceptance once you’ve decided to tell your husband. But your husband is further back in the process, having just heard the news for the first time. It’s natural that he will have an emotional reaction to your decision.
Dr. Pamela Brand is a licenced marriage and family therapist. She recommends approaching your spouse with compassion and empathy. This will help you to prepare yourself for any resistance and anger your husband may feel.
Brand suggests recognising and validating the hurt and pain your husband feels. She also recommends offering to “listen to what kinds of things may be helpful to your spouse during the initial adjustment period".
7. Be kind, but firm
It can be tricky to find the balance between being compassionate to your spouse and still getting your points across. If you’re overly empathetic, your husband may have hope that you could change your mind. This is why it’s important to appear resolute.
Robin Stinson is a board-certified Family Law Specialist. She recommends approaching the conversation about divorce in a business-like manner. This will allow you to remain calm and respectful while still making your intentions clear.
8. Consider what's best for your children
When you have children with your ex, it’s important to respect his role as your children’s father. This is because the two of you will still co-parent, even after the divorce.
Gabrielle Applebury recommends having the conversation about divorce when your children aren’t there. This will shield them from seeing their parents having the difficult, emotional conversation.
Applebury then recommends explaining to your husband that you feel divorce is better for the children. This will help him to realise that you’re mindful of his needs and the family’s needs.
Once you’ve broken the news to your husband, you can discuss how you would like to tell the children. This will give you time to agree on a plan for co-parenting.
If your husband is struggling to come to terms with the divorce, it’s best not to involve the children. Your children will feel much more secure if they’re only told about the divorce once you and your husband have agreed on all the major custody decisions.
9. Don't blame your spouse for the divorce
It’s common for women to file for divorce because they feel irrevocably wronged by their husbands. This is often the case when husbands have cheated on their spouses.
You may want to tell your husband all the reasons why you believe they caused the divorce. But this is problematic in the long run. Blaming your husband could turn a conversation about divorce into a full-blown fight.
Tamara Glanvill is a divorce and family law solicitor. She recommends avoiding blaming your spouse by using “I” messages, not “you” messages.
For example, you may want to say “I feel that I need to start a new life” rather than “You ruined my life”. You may choose to say “I feel that this marriage is not working for me” rather than “You were a lousy husband”.
By placing the emphasis on yourself, you take accountability for your feelings. This allows you to get your point across without blaming your husband.
10. Try not to get defensive
You may have prepared yourself not to blame your husband for the divorce. This doesn’t mean he won’t blame you. It’s likely that your husband could become accusatory. He may point out all the ways he believes you failed in the marriage.
It’s natural to want to strike back when being criticised. But Dr. Sam Margulies strongly warns against it. Margulies has spent over 30 years mediating divorces for thousands of couples. In all those years, he has never succeeded in helping a couple agree on their history.
This is because couples always believe their own version of events. If your husband believes you are at fault, defending yourself won’t change his mind. It will only cause an unnecessary argument.
Instead of defending yourself, Margulies suggests you listen quietly and try not to interrupt. This is a technique he calls “active listening”. You may not agree with everything your husband has to say. But it’s important that he feels heard.
11. Avoid a trial separation
Many couples see trial separations as a way to “test the waters” before they commit to divorce.
When you tell your husband you want a divorce, he may try to suggest a trial separation. This is because it’s easier to process the idea of a temporary split. Your husband may hold out hope that the two of you will reconcile after spending time apart.
Dr. Harry L. Munsinger has a PhD in psychology. He also practices collaborative and estate law. Munsinger says that couples should avoid trial separations. This is because separating from your spouse won’t change the reasons why you wanted a divorce in the first place. You will only be postponing your divorce.
12. Give your partner time to process his emotions
Once you’ve decided you want a divorce you may feel like there’s nothing that could change your mind. Of course, it’s fair to feel this way. There’s nothing wrong with choosing the path you’d like to take.
It’s worth considering that your partner may not feel the same way. He may not want to get divorced. This may make him feel as if he has to unwillingly change his plans for the future. This puts you in a position of control. You are the one who knows what you want.
Try to be mindful of how you use this control. Whether your husband admits it or not, he is in a vulnerable position. If you’re impatient with your spouse, you could cause more emotional harm. This may lead to more conflict during the divorce proceedings.
Dr. Ann Gold Buscho is a clinical psychologist. She specialises in family issues and issues related to divorce. Buscho suggests that you "give your spouse time to process your decision before telling others, including your kids, or discussing logistics of the divorce”.
The bottom line
It’s not going to be easy to tell your husband you want a divorce. It takes a lot of courage to have an emotional, honest conversation. And it takes a lot of self-control to ensure that the conversation doesn’t escalate into an argument.
This is why it’s important to prepare yourself for the discussion. Approaching the conversation in a calm and considered way could help to ensure that the rest of the divorce process runs as smoothly as possible.
What other tips do you have for those who are going to tell their husbands they want a divorce? How would you approach this conversation as peacefully as possible? I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments below.
