How To Get The Spark Back In Your Relationship
Falling in love is one of the sweetest feelings ever. You meet someone that makes your knees turn jelly and produce butterflies in your belly. Your feelings sync easily. You find yourself spending quality time via casual outings. And then, you take a step further by getting into a relationship.
Everything in your love lives swings smoothly for the first couple of months or years. But you begin to spot some evident changes in your relationship. Days of lengthy conversations are now filled with pregnant silence. On the days you chit chat, it feels more repetitive and lackluster. Even though the sex is great, you can’t help but think something is missing.
Then you begin to reminisce on days you and your partner shared good memories. Those days are now replaced with late-night working, errands to run, and hectic work schedules.
You know you love your partner. Very much, in fact. But you feel the spark in your relationship is fading gradually into darkness. You feel less happy and fulfilled. Can you alter that course? Can you reignite that spark in your relationship? The answer is yes, and it depends on how much you are willing to do so.
According to research, the idea that a crumbling relationship cannot be changed is often associated with lowered interest. It is also a decline in commitment, or chasing someone else. The study also reinforces that passion between couples can also be increased over time.
Sexologist, Jack Morin in his book says “Rare are couples who don’t experience dry spells, especially in today’s two-career, high-stress households. The way a couple responds to these fluctuations has a greater effect on the long-term viability of their relationship than the dry spells themselves.”
When the spark in your relationship begins to fade, what actions can you take to reignite it?
Plan new activities together
It is commonplace to see new couples hanging out often, spending time on trips, joyrides, and sharing quality conversations. These exciting activities present the avenue for couples to discover themselves.
However, after a couple of months or years together, these activities reduce and the couple fall into boredom. A study investigated 53 couples for 10 weeks. The findings show that those who spend 1.5 hours weekly engaging in exciting activities had more fulfilling marriages than those who didn’t.
Planning new activities with your partner is crucial to sustaining the spark in your relationship. It could mean visiting new places, sampling new restaurants, or engaging in sporting activities with other couples.
Start a conversation
There’s no stimulating feeling that comes close to communicating with your partner. Rachael DeAlto, a relationship expert, says "Communication is so essential to a relationship, that the lack thereof can be a sign that the relationship is on its way out. Is either of you no longer talking about issues or communicating about things that bother you? That's a huge sign that one of you has checked out.”
It doesn’t have to be like that in your case. It is important to share a deeper sense of connection through stimulating conversations. You can simply ask them how their day was, and listen to them quip about their day.
You can take it a notch higher by asking them to discuss something they’ve always wanted to do but too scared to. It will reveal something interesting about your partner that you never thought of. It also creates the avenue for your partner to discover you.
Maintain respect
The role of mutual respect in maintaining the spark of relationships cannot be downplayed. John Gottman, a pioneer researcher in the longevity of marriages, released a study on why marriages end up in divorce. He tagged the factors as the 4 Horsemen: Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He proffered a simple solution for these horsemen: respect.
You don't have to criticize your partner’s actions. Rather, you should express your concerns in a non-judgmental, objective way. It is also important to accept feedback from your partner without passing scathing remarks. It is crucial to always maintain respect for your partner even when you’re mad about something they did.
Stonewalling your partner reeks of disregard for their person and views. Rather, you should have a healthy conversation putting respect at the forefront.
Kiss…a lot
One of the best ways to get the spark back in your relationship is to lock lips with your partner...all the time. No one really forgets the first time they kissed their partner. The mere act of kissing is an ingredient in maintaining the spark in your relationship.
You don’t have to wait for the right moment to kiss your partner. It should be a spontaneous action. You can reach out to kiss them in the middle of a conversation, when they’re asleep, or on a whim.
Kissing is a love language and an action that will keep the fire burning in your relationship.
Impress each other
Another way to get the spark back in your relationship is to impress each other. Remember when you started dating and you wore killer-outfits to impress your partner? Remember how their face lit up on spotting you, and how giddy they felt. Well, those days aren’t over yet.
Both of you need to constantly, consciously make efforts to impress each other. Nothing needs to change now that you’ve been dating for months or years. Throw a little effort into your makeup, and look your best for them.
Apologize when you’re wrong
Mistakes are what make us humans. Every once in a while, we are bound to make a mistake, slight or huge. Your partner may be annoyed at it. The best course of action is to take responsibility for your errs and apologize.
Oftentimes, you may be inclined to whitewash your wrongs or find a way to justify it. It will only make your partner distance themselves from you, losing the spark in the relationship.
When you apologize for your actions, your partner instinctively draws closer to you. It will also create less room for resentment and spite, promoting a satisfying and healthy relationship.
Build new memories
Everything is bound to experience changes, relationships included. While the memories you have created for your partner may be exciting, it is important to make new ones.
Social worker, Tasha Rube, says “You can bring the spark back to your romance by going back to the beginning. In order to appreciate your partner, remember the very beginning of your relationship. This is usually when passion is at its highest. Talk about how you met. Your personal love story can stir feelings of sentimentality and romance. Discuss how you first met, your initial impressions of one another, and share memories of your first date.”
Author and producer, Amiira Ruotola also suggests “Going somewhere you have great memories together can remind you that you’re still interesting people who like each other. Sometimes we need a sensory kick in the butt to reignite a dormant spark.”
It would make perfect sense to revisit those memories and make new ones. You can start from the music playlist that reminds you of when you started dating your partner. You can even look at old photos together and try to recreate them. Or binge-watch movies you once saw at the cinema when you began dating. These actions are bound to bring back the spark in your relationship.
Focus on winning together
For a relationship to be fulfilling, couples must work together to build a team that wins. Psychologist, Elizabeth Lombardo, says “Stop keeping score of all that you do (and all that your partner doesn’t). Stop your need to be right. People in happy relationships don’t view themselves as two different sides. There is no “I win, you lose” mentality. Instead, they focus on win-win. That means being willing to compromise, admitting when you're wrong, and focusing on being happy instead of being right.”
Couples need to plan and take quality steps that will better their lives as a team.
Establish a healthy sense of independence
While it is important to plan and make new memories with your partner, it is also crucial to cherish a separate fulfilling life.
Therapist and bestselling author, Esther Perel says “With too much distance, there can be no connection. But when people become fused—when two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is nothing more to transcend, no one to visit on the other side, no internal world to enter. Separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.”
You or your partner cannot play the role of a mentor, confidante, best friend, or therapist at the same time. Perels suggests that it is a necessity to keep friendships, interests, and even activities outside of your relationship.
This will recreate some healthy distance that incites desire.
Get physical
The role of physical contact cannot be downplayed in the relationship. They are spark-boosters. Lombardo says “Physical touch is key to a significant relationship. Sure, this includes sex, but also so much more. Give your partner a hug, rub his back, hold her hand, offer a massage. Oxytocin is released with physical touch, which has been shown to give lots of benefits, from feeling closer to being more generous and even having a stronger immune system.”
Keeping to these practices will definitely return the fire to your relationship.
Be appreciative
One of the best ways to keep the spark in your relationship is to always appreciate your partner for what they do. No one wants to feel like they aren’t doing enough. If you feel like the spark.
Partners who are underappreciated tend to be more reserved, get into arguments, and act emotionally. Some of them may not be enthusiastic about impressing their lovers anymore.
Relationship expert, Pileggi Pawelski, says “Gratitude is one of the most important positive emotions for thriving relationships. When expressed regularly, gratitude has been shown to be a booster shot for satisfaction.”
You don’t have to wait for them to do something significant before thanking them. The little things like taking out the trash or making your hot coffee is deserving of your gratitude.
Rube says “Surprise outings, like dinner dates, concert trips, and going to museums. You can also tell your partner one thing you like about him or her every day. If your partner is busy at work, do something to make things easier when they get home. Do the dishes or laundry. Take out the trash. Cook them dinner.”
Gratitude is bound to make them know that whatever they’re doing, small or big, is being noticed. And this spurs them to do and be more.
Drown your resentments
Another way you can return the spark back in your relationship is to bury every resentment you may have towards your partner.
Therapist and sex expert, Juliana Morris, says “Sit down together and, on small pieces of paper, privately write down your resentments. Then use a pit, or burning bowl and set the papers on fire with the intention of releasing the negative feelings. It is a fun and freeing practice.”
If you look beyond the flaws of your partner and focus on their positivity, you’ll see them as amazing beings.
Listen to each other
Listening to each other is a great way to keep the spark in your relationship. People in new relationships tend to listen to each other, in a bid to know more about themselves. Why not now that you’ve been dating for months or years?
Lombardo says “Another reason to listen to your partner is that your partner is telling you what he or she wants from you. What kinds of things does he say or do to tell you that he loves you? For example, when we were first married, I realized my husband often told me “I am so proud of you” when I was talking about my work. At first, I just said, “thanks,” but then I realized that was what he needed to hear from me. And when I started telling him that I was proud of him, I could tell that he felt really loved from me.”
Relationships are bound to have bumpy rides. You and your partner should take definitive action to navigate through them together.
