Breakup

How to Get Over A Breakup When You Still Love Him

How to Get Over A Breakup When You Still Love Him

When your heart is breaking, sometimes the last thing you want to hear is “There are plenty of other fish in the sea”. After a breakup, it may feel as if you’ve lost your special person and the pain can be unbearable. If you still love your ex, it may be hard to even imagine venturing out into the dating-ocean to look for love again.

Breaking up with someone you love has psychological, physiological and even neurological effects. Understanding these effects can help you to process your emotions. Once you have a better grasp of what's happening in your brain and body, it might be easier to find ways to cope.

Here are 6 Proven Effects of Heartbreak and 6 Healthy Ways to Move On

Effect 1: You’re Addicted to Your Ex

Studies have found that falling in love may change your brain chemistry. This is because your brain releases dopamine when you spend a lot of time with someone you love. Higher levels of dopamine cause feelings of happiness. Over time, your brain starts to depend on those feelings. 

After a breakup, you may start to crave the effects your ex used to have on you. Grappling with this addiction usually manifests as obsessive behaviour. You might find yourself thinking about your ex a lot, or trying to see them or talk to them. You may also find it difficult not to check their social media platforms.

The Bottom Line:

Love involves the same neural circuitry as an addiction. This means that you could be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from your relationship. Luckily, you can break the addiction.

How to Cope: Keep your Distance

How to Cope: Keep your Distance

Psychotherapist Dr. Mike Dow, recommends going “love sober” for 30 days. This entails avoiding all contact with your ex, whether in person, over the phone, or online. Using this method may help you to put an end to the neurological bond your brain has formed.

It can be tough to have the self-control to cut off contact with your ex. I'd recommend giving yourself time to adjust. After a while, you'll find that your dopamine-related cravings stop. This is when you’ll begin to feel the addiction subside.

It’s not always possible to completely cut ties with your ex. Some ex-partners have children together or have other shared responsibilities. In these cases, I’d recommend that you establish healthy boundaries. For example, you could limit the number of times you talk to one another per week.

Effect 2: You Feel You’ve Lost Your Sense of Identity

When you’re in a committed relationship, your daily lives overlap with one another. This may make you feel as if your once-solitary existences have merged. Your shared identity as a couple leads to you having regular routines together. You may even start to share inside-jokes and have common hobbies.

The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin published a series of studies about breakups. The studies found that people who had been through a breakup felt bewildered. It also found that the participants felt that they had lost their sense of identity.

The Bottom Line:

After losing that special bond with your ex, you may feel uncertain about who you are and your place in the world.

How to Cope: Talk About Your Feelings

How to Cope: Talk About Your Feelings

It’s important to come to terms with the fact that you are your own, unique person. Rediscovering yourself may seem daunting. This is especially true when you still have feelings for your ex. Try to get emotional support by confiding in your friends and family. Trained therapists also offer a safe space for you to talk things through.

Discussing your breakup with others doesn't only provide emotional support. Studies have also found that it may help you to process what’s happened.

The Social Psychological and Personality Science published a paper that explored personal identity. In the study, the researchers had the participants habitually talk about their breakups. When the study had ended, the participants displayed fewer signs of loneliness.  They also had more signs of a clear personal identity.

Effect 3: You Really Are in Pain

Heartbreak doesn’t only hurt metaphorically. Research has shown that the brain reacts to emotional loss in the same way it reacts to physical pain.

A study published in 2011 tested this theory. Researchers monitored the brain activity of people who had suffered a recent breakup. They began by showing each participant a picture of their ex. Then they exposed the participants to painful levels of heat.

The researchers found that both experiences had the same effect on the brain. This proves that our bodies respond to emotional loss and physical pain in a similar way.

The Bottom Line:

When you break up with someone you love, it’s natural to feel wounded by the experience.

How to Cope: Stay Active

How to Cope: Stay Active

When your heart is breaking, it may be difficult to find the motivation to get off the couch and get your body moving. But mustering up the energy could help to ease your pain. Regular exercise could boost your brain’s in-built opioids. These opioids act as natural pain-relievers.

You don’t need to be a star-athlete or gym-aficionado to experience the benefits of exercise. A study published in 2015 proved that even milder forms of exercise can be beneficial. In the study, Dr Noelle Harris tested the effects of Hatha yoga. The results showed that regular Hatha yoga classes were beneficial. They helped participants to heal from their breakups and to feel less distressed.

Effect 4: You’ve Created an Idealised Version of Your Relationship

It’s common for people to focus on the wonderful aspects of their past relationships. This is according to psychologist Dr. Karen Weinstein. When you’re missing your ex, you might find yourself pushing the painful memories aside. This could lead to you exaggerating how good the relationship used to make you feel.

Reminiscing about your ex may seem harmless. But research has found that we have the ability to mould and change our memories to a certain extent. If you only focus on the good times, you may end up blocking out the problematic aspects of your relationship.

The Bottom Line:

It’s common to romanticise your past relationship. But it may stop you from remembering the reasons why you broke up in the first place.

How to Cope: Let Yourself Feel Negative Emotions

Fixating on the good times with your ex is problematic. You could end up creating a version of your relationship that is only a fantasy. Try to allow yourself to experience anger, sadness, disappointment or even resentment. This may make it easier for you to accept the reality of the breakup.

Psychologist Dr. Michael Zentman recommends using journaling to process your emotions. Try writing down both the good and bad aspects of your past relationship. This might give you a more realistic and balanced view of what's happening.

Effect 5: You Feel Physically Sick

Effect 5: You Feel Physically Sick

Processing a breakup doesn’t only involve the brain. Heartbreak can have negative effects on the body too.

In a paper published in the journal Psychological Science, researchers proved this theory. They started by showing study participants the faces of unknown people. They then told the participants that the people had rejected them. Feeling rejected caused the participants' heart rates to slow down.

This study suggests that rejection has an effect on the parasympathetic nervous system. This is the part of the body that helps to regulate our unconscious actions. It even helps to regulate digestion.

The Bottom Line:

Your breakup may be taking a toll on your body, and you could be feeling unwell.

How to Cope: Be Proactive

Feelings of helplessness can worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression. This is according to Professor Steven Myers. To combat these feelings, it’s important to find ways to take charge of your own healing process.

Taking proactive steps that you feel will help you to move on may make you feel empowered. It might also help you to restore your sense of order and control.

Myers recommends spending time with friends and family and journaling. These could be effective ways to support yourself during a breakup. But, research suggests that it's important to take healing into your own hands.

If you believe a healing method is helpful, it will end up helping you in the long run. It may not matter what the healing method is. What matters is that you have faith in it.

To test this theory, psychologists recruited volunteers who had recently suffered breakups. The psychologists gave the volunteers a nasal spray. They told half the volunteers that the spray would reduce emotional pain.  The rest of the participants were aware that it was just a saline spray.

The researchers showed each volunteer a photo of their ex. They then monitored the brain activity of the participants. Those who believed the spray had powerful pain-relieving properties displayed increased brain activity.

The periaqueductal gray was the part of the brain that was active in these participants. This region is the key structure for controlling and decreasing pain, proving that the placebo nasal spray resulted in them feeling less pain.

This study suggests that it may help to choose a healing method and expect it to work. Any healing process you put into practice could have a positive neurological impact.

Effect 6: You Feel Helpless Without Your Ex

Relationship physiologist Grace Larson believes that breakups affect us psychologically. This is because they affect what psychologists call our “attachment systems”.

Attachment systems are the strong bonds we form throughout our lives. We rely on close caregivers when we’re babies. When we’re teenagers, we tend to form attachments with our closest friends. As we mature into adulthood, we’re more likely to feel attached to our romantic partners.

Losing your primary attachment system could also affect your physiology. This is because our partners may even help to regulate our biological systems.

Clinical psychologist Dave Sbarra's believes that romantic partners help to set our routines. This includes regulating our mealtimes and bedtimes. Once you've lost the connection with your ex, you could start to lose track of your own internal cycles. This might lead to you feeling helpless and as if you’ve lost control.

The Bottom Line:

We have a strong, biological need to form connections with others. You may grow reliant on your connection to your ex. This could lead to feelings of helplessness after you break up.

How to Cope: Find New Ways to Experience Joy

It’s important to find healthy ways to experience genuine happiness. This is according to therapist and author, Dr Dow. He suggests finding non-romantic activities that give you a sense of purpose. These activities could be as simple as cuddling your pet or spending time with your friends.

Dr Dow refers to this method as “replacement therapy”. He believes it might help you to find alternative ways to feel good. This is because joyful activities could supply your brain and body with dopamine.

In Conclusion:

Breaking up with your ex when you still love him isn’t just heartbreaking. It's emotionally and physically draining. Your brain, body and heart are all working overtime to process what’s happened.

While it may feel hopeless at first, moving on from your ex is certainly possible. The first step is to understand the effects of your breakup. Then you can start finding ways to help mend your broken heart. Your coping strategies may seem small and insignificant at first. But slowly but surely they will help to ease your pain.

What ways are you healing from your breakup? Have healing methods like confiding in your friends, exercising or journaling helped you? I’d love to know in the comments below.