Fear of Intimacy and Closeness in Relationships
Fear of intimacy is a common reason why relationships don’t work out. It can be frustrating to be in a relationship with someone with intimacy issues. It may feel as if your partner is distant, uncaring and unemotional.
On the other hand, people who struggle with intimacy can be equally frustrated. They may feel isolated and misunderstood, not only in their romantic relationships but in their friendships as well.
By learning about fear of intimacy and understanding the signs to look out for, people can start to build healthier relationships.
Those with intimacy issues can learn to better their behaviours. And those in relationships with people with intimacy issues can approach the topic with more compassion.
What Is a Fear of Intimacy?
People with a fear of intimacy have a tough time forming close relationships. This isn’t actually because they’re scared of closeness. They’re often willing to give relationships a try. They want to be loved, and they want to show love in return.
What they’re really afraid of is being hurt. According to marriage counsellor Melissa Divaris Thompson, they use fear of intimacy to mask their more vulnerable side.
They’d rather not drop their guard, so they stop themselves from getting too intimate with anyone. This is often subconscious. They may not even realise they’re avoiding closeness.
Where Does Fear Of Intimacy Come From?
Dr. Hal Shorey is a clinical psychologist and professor of clinical psychology at Widener University. He specialises in the impact of attachment styles on relationships.
Dr. Shorey notes that fear of intimacy is often a biological reaction and not a conscious choice. This is because intimacy issues are ingrained in people from childhood.
All children have a biological need to be close to their parents. They want to feel protected and comforted, especially when they’re feeling vulnerable, hurt and distressed.
The way parents respond to their children’s needs has a long-lasting impact. If a child doesn’t get their needs met, they find new ways to cope. They then carry these unhealthy coping methods with them into adulthood.
For example, a little boy may be feeling hurt or scared. He’ll go to his parents for comfort. His parents might see this as neediness. They may even make him feel ashamed by saying something like “boys don’t cry”.
This will make the child feel as if showing his vulnerable side is wrong. He’ll want to feel accepted and loved by his parents, so he’ll learn to “toughen up”. These behaviours will follow the boy into adulthood. He might continue to struggle to show his more vulnerable side.
Another behaviour that causes intimacy issues is a parent being overly emotional.
For example, a little girl might confide in her parents when she’s feeling hurt or distressed. Her parents may blow this out of proportion and overreact. This might make the girl feel as if her problems caused her parents a lot of anxiety.
This could make the child think twice about what she shares with her parents. She’d rather bottle up her feelings than make her parents emotional. As the girl matures into a woman, she may continue to have difficulty sharing her emotions with others.
Signs Of A Fear Of Intimacy
To get close to someone, you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You have to put your heart on the line, knowing that there’s a possibility you could get rejected.
According to Dr. Shorey, people with a fear of intimacy won’t allow relationships to progress to the point of vulnerability. They will protect themselves from rejection, even if that means distancing themselves from people they love.
Dr. Shorey also notes that people with intimacy issues don’t like to experience or show negative emotions. Getting close to someone creates more potential for both positive and negative experiences. After all, close couples have to overcome obstacles in order to stay close.
A person with a fear of intimacy will avoid any possibility of showing emotions like sadness, anger and fear. They’d rather avoid closeness altogether than have to show their feelings.
Only Tolerating Certain Types Of Relationships
People with a fear of intimacy aren’t necessarily loners. They might have tons of friends and acquaintances. Others may even perceive them as being popular.
This is because people with intimacy issues are willing to form relationships, but only if the relationships are on their own terms.
Dr. Sheri Jacobson has been an accredited therapist for over 16 years. She notes that people with a fear of intimacy will only tolerate certain types of relationships.
For example, a person with intimacy issues may have a busy social life, but they won’t share anything too personal with their friends. This might lead to them feeling lonely and isolated, even when they’re in a crowd.
People with a fear of intimacy are also often in romantic relationships. But according to Dr. Jacobson, their relationships are usually intense and short.
A person with intimacy issues may claim that they “lose interest” in relationships. When in reality they break up with someone as soon as the relationship gets serious.
Some people with a fear of intimacy may get into long-term relationships. But these relationships tend to be unhealthy. This is because a person with intimacy issues often chooses a partner who will ignore their needs. This makes it easy for the person who fears intimacy to hide their more vulnerable side.
Dodging Heart-To-Heart Conversations
Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert, an international speaker, and a licensed psychotherapist. She has almost thirty years of experience working with couples.
Dr. Nelson notes that people with a fear of intimacy often feel awkward when someone shares something personal with them. This is because they find close conversations unsettling.
They may not know how to handle intimate conversations, so they avoid them. They may even feel “icky” when they see someone else cry.
This leads to people with intimacy issues mainly having superficial interactions. If an experience becomes too emotional and real, it’s likely that they’ll dodge the situation and choose to be alone.
Perfectionism
In order to get close to someone, you have to show them who you really are. This involves exposing your flaws and imperfections, which isn’t always easy.
On the one hand, exposing your flaws may create a stronger bond with your partner. But on the other hand, you could open yourself up to being judged and rejected.
People with a fear of intimacy don’t want to take that risk. They’re so scared of being rejected that they’d rather not expose their flaws.
According to licensed marriage therapist Jenn Kennedy, this leads to people with intimacy issues being perfectionists. They feel that as long as they’re seen as perfect, they won’t be embarrassed or hurt by their partners.
Struggling with Emotional Cues
People with intimacy issues often learn to ignore their own negative emotions. After burying their emotions for years, they may lack the self-awareness to notice when they’re angry, scared or upset.
This may make it difficult for them to recognise when others need comforting. They have trouble reading emotional cues, so they simply don’t notice when something is wrong. This is what Dr. Shorey calls being “emotionally colourblind”.
People who struggle to recognise emotional cues won’t know when it’s appropriate to show empathy. They may come across as being distant and unavailable.
This trait can be particularly frustrating in relationships because the person with intimacy issues doesn’t realise they’re doing anything wrong. If someone tries to confront them, they may become defensive.
Being Married To Your Job
Dr. A.J. Marsen is an assistant professor of psychology at Beacon College. She believes being a workaholic could be a sign of a fear of intimacy.
This is because burying yourself in work could help you to avoid close relationships. The more hours you work, the more you can convince yourself that you simply don’t have time for a real relationship.
Dr. Marsen also notes that people with intimacy issues may purposefully avoid dealing with their emotions. They may take on extra tasks because it helps them to ignore feelings of anger or sadness.
Ways to Overcome a Fear Of Intimacy
People with a fear of intimacy struggle to let their walls down in a relationship. They may want to be loved, but they worry that becoming too vulnerable will lead to heartbreak.
In order to overcome a fear of intimacy, you have to learn to let go. This involves accepting that you only have control of your own actions. You can’t change how others will respond to you.
Being vulnerable may very well lead to rejection. But it could also make your relationships closer and more intimate. It is as licensed therapist Carolynn Aristone says intimacy “can include extraordinary moments of deep connection along with experiences of profound, painful loss”.
Embracing your vulnerability gives you the opportunity to grow from the heartache you might experience. But it also opens you up to new possibilities for love to flourish.
Problem-Solve with Your Partner
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker is a licensed psychologist and marriage and family counsellor. She specialises in couples and family therapy.
Dr. Hartwell-Walker believes that people with a fear of intimacy should try to confront their issues with the help of their partners. This is because partners could provide compassion, love and support.
Problem-solving as a team will make the person with intimacy issues feel as if someone is on their side. This could make it easier for them to let their guard down and be vulnerable.
The Bottom Line
It can be difficult to maintain a healthy relationship when there are intimacy issues involved.
If you’re a person with a fear of intimacy, it’s likely that you’re a perfectionist. You don’t want to let your guard down, or allow yourself to be vulnerable. These factors will make it tough for you to admit that something is wrong.
Added to this, a fear of intimacy is often subconscious. It stems from your childhood experiences and becomes a part of your biology. This makes it difficult for you to pinpoint your problematic behaviours, because you don’t always notice how you differ from others.
After a lot of self-reflection, people with a fear of intimacy may start to recognise the signs that something isn’t right. These signs include avoiding getting close to people, only having superficial friendships and relationships, and struggling to read emotional cues.
The person with intimacy issues will then need to learn how to be more vulnerable. Luckily, they don’t need to go through that process alone.
A person who’s in a relationship with someone with intimacy issues also has a role to play. It’s important to be supportive of one another. This helps the person with a fear of intimacy feel safe and loved.
Couples who are open and honest with each other, and problem-solve together might find that their relationships grow closer, more loving, and more intimate.
Do you know any other signs that someone may fear intimacy? How do you think people can overcome their fears? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
