6 Key Facts About Divorce After Long Marriages

Does it shock you when you hear of a couple getting a divorce after decades of marriage? Do you wonder how a couple can be happy with each other for so long only to have their marriage go down the drain when they’ve hit the “golden years”?

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The phrase “Gray Divorce” refers to divorces involving spouses over the age of 50 and who are typically members of the Baby Boomer generation.  While the overall divorce rate has declined over the past 20 years, it has dramatically increased for this segment of the population.

According to the Pew Research Center, a study conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics and U.S. Census Bureau found that for every 1,000 married couples aged 50 and over, 10 of them ended in divorce.

What are the reasons this statistic is on the rise for this cohort?

Understanding reasons for grey divorce

According to Forbes magazine, here is a summary of five reasons that couples call it quits after years of marriage.

1. Financial Management

Financial matters are the primary issues that arise during a grey divorce. Finances can be tricky to handle, especially when one spouse has challenges managing them. Couples who struggle with debt or constantly fight about finances often end up divorcing.

Divorce can also be caused by a partner's overspending habits or mismanagement of funds. Research has shown that marriage grows stronger when the husband increases his earnings; conversely, the marriage more often fails if the wife's earnings increase.

2. Growing Apart

When you ask a couple why they have opted for divorce, you will usually hear answers such as "it was just not working out" or "we just grew apart." Couples in grey divorce may have realized later in their lives that they lost the spark they had when they first married. Considering that the stigma around divorce is diminishing, they decide that divorce would be the best course of action.

3. Infidelity

Baby Boomers tend to be individualists, placing their needs and happiness ahead of that of others, and that can lead to infidelity in marriages. Infidelity is another major reason for grey divorce. Cheating does not carry the same stigma it did in earlier times, and this has led many married couples to stray.

4. Better Health and Life Expectancy Rates

Life expectancy is much higher today than for generations prior to Baby Boomers. Life spans have drastically increased, and even at age 50 or above people think they have time to discover what makes them happy in marriage. Older people have stopped shying away from the idea of divorce after drifting away from their partners because they still believe they can find happiness.

Access to great health care and the availability of activities to keep an individual mentally, physically, and psychologically active have encouraged people to seek partners who suit their interests and attitudes. This is especially true when their marriage partner has failed to stay healthy, fit, and active.

5. Addictions

An individual could be addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or pornography, and these addictions might derail a marriage.

Many marriages fall apart when an individual puts their habit above the needs of their families. Dependencies, such as gambling place financial strains on the marriage and eventually lead to divorce. There are people who bet and lose all their assets and must start from scratch because they choose to gamble instead of providing for their future and family.

If you are in the process of considering a grey divorce in your own marriage, here are 6 key facts of which you should be aware.

Children struggle with parental divorce regardless of age

Even adult children can experience the pain of being pulled between two parents in the process of a divorce. The ensuing new life after the divorce can include altered holiday plans, new dating partners, and challenges with time spent with grandchildren, to name a few.

Carol Hughes is a divorce coach in Orange County, California. “In our work, we’re seeing the trauma to adult children whose parents are going through divorce,” Dr. Hughes said. “The parents say, ‘The children are adults now, they’ll be fine,’ but they aren’t fine. Often, the children can be pulled into the divorce process.”

Adult children are already trying to figure out the logistics of their parents’ divorce: where to spend holidays and birthdays, if they need to visit more often to support the more emotionally struggling parent. Getting dragged into teary midnight phone calls or contentious conversations about whose fault the divorce was makes a difficult situation unbearable.

Worse, many adult children begin to question whether they want children of their own, or if they have the ability to maintain a healthy relationship.

Here are 8 things adult children of divorce would like you to remember:

1. This will rock your world

You may think because we’re older and out on our own, it will hurt less. It won’t. Even if your relationship wasn’t perfect, the two of you being together is all we have ever known. Expect that we may feel a little shell shocked by your news.

We’ll need time to take it all in, so please don’t expect us just to pick up and move on.

2. Your decision will create doubt

Your marriage was a big part of our lives. It helped shape our ideas about marriage, relationships, and family. We’ll question what was true about our childhood and what wasn’t.

Help us to understand that we can make different choices, and history doesn’t have to repeat itself. Reassure us that we can learn from your mistakes and have hope for our own futures.

3. We don’t want to be in the middle

Yes, we get that we’re old enough to hear it all, but that doesn’t mean we want to. We know you may feel scared, confused, angry, upset, or just plain gutted. We need you to remember you are still our Mom and Dad.

4. Don’t overindulge us

We want you to know that we’re struggling and trying to make sense of all this. As we sort through it all, there may be times when we press you for more information.

5. We still need you to be our parents

Please don’t put us in a situation where we have to figure out how to have a recital without the two of you killing each other. We’d like to know we’re more important to you than the anger and upset you have with each other.

6. Be gracious

You might think the cutting remarks or jokes you make about one another are funny, but they’re not. Because we love you, we might let it slide or even play along, but over time we will see you as bitter and we’ll resent it.

7. Find some way to talk to each other

If we’re struggling, in need of help, or you’re worried about us, we hope you will pick up the phone and let each other know.

At one time, you loved each other enough to become parents. Please do your best to see the good in one another instead of always expecting the worst.

8. Think about your future

You may not realize it now, but your divorce will also impact our future. Now when you get sick or need someone to depend on, you won’t have each other. You will probably need us.

It’s not that we don’t want to be there for you, but as our lives change, we’ll have responsibilities to our own families. Talk with us about some of those decisions and do your best to make a plan that won’t leave us as your only resource for support.

View this as a fresh start

A divorce can be the beginning of some positive changes in your life.

During this time of reflection, self-discovery can give birth to a new lease on life. A whole new life chapter awaits you, so take this time to take care of yourself and work on rebuilding your identity. Finding your self-confidence again and learning to lean on yourself and depend on yourself will help you grow as a person.

Prepare for financial changes

Neale Godfrey, Financial Literacy Expert, offers the following insights about financial changes that may occur after being married for many years:

Alimony is almost always granted after long-term marriages.

When you divorce in your younger years, usually “rehabilitative” alimony is granted, which will supply support while the spouse gets back on their feet. However, if it’s a long-term marriage, in most cases alimony is given for life. If it is a second marriage that is short term, alimony may fall in between the above circumstances.

Retirement money is usually cut in half.

It doesn’t matter if this is a no-fault or at-fault divorce. Pension plans may be used to offset alimony, but make sure that you both are being advised on the tax implications.

The family house will become an asset that has to be valued and split.

Make sure that if you opt to keep the house that you don’t become house-poor. The house needs to be maintained, taxes and utilities paid and those costs may greatly eat into any monetary settlements.

Remarriages are more likely to end in divorce, so think about a prenup for your next marriage.

In it you can deal with a lot of these monetary issues before emotions are running at a fevered pitch. There may be adult children on both sides to consider, other assets, and lots of other issues to think about. Seek professional advice from your lawyers, accountants and financial advisers. Your wills need to be adjusted to reflect your new circumstances, as well.

It's ok to grieve

Divorcemag.com notes,

Everyone’s reactions to divorce are different and how long it takes you to work through your feelings around this change in your life does not occur on a predictable timeline.

Dr. Kathy McCoy adds,

McCoy goes on to share the thoughts of a divorced friend. “I really believe I would be dead if I hadn’t left six years ago,” my dear friend told me recently. “I don’t imagine ever going back. Still, I grieve what could have been. Our grandchildren have all been born since our split, and it would have been wonderful to enjoy them together rather than separately. I miss the family togetherness even though both my ex-wife and I are healthier and happier apart.”

Find emotional support

Sometimes divorce leaves people feeling happier and healthier than ever before. This is especially true in marriages that have been troubled for years before the separation.

However, it’s also normal to feel sad and alone. This is common for people who are going through a divorce after being married for many years or even decades. Finding emotional support can make you feel like you’re not alone.

You can reach out to a close friend, a family member, a pastor, or someone else you trust. If you want to get professional help, you can search for a therapist online. The Arizona Department of Health Services also provides a list of mental health professionals who offer sliding scale fees. Some of them provide services at reduced rates as well.

Psychology Today offers a free list of support groups organized by state. These groups allow you to meet in person with others in your situation. Many groups even have a specific focus on what may have led to the divorce, such as abuse or infidelity. You don’t need to face this alone.

Takeaway

Divorce isn’t easy at any age. As painful as it may be to admit that your marriage is at an end, sometimes ending a painful or difficult marriage is the only way you can empower yourself to move forward toward emotional health and growth.

Pain is relative, and each divorce situation is different. Take time to educate yourself about the process, from emotional to logistical points. The secret to recovering and moving on to a better future after the divorce is to become self-aware, sincere and honest with yourself and with those you love.

Accepting that divorce is hard and knowing what to expect during the tough times is what will make you start living a fulfilling life. Don’t hesitate to value yourself, connect with friends and family, and even go for therapy to get your life back on track.