How To (Kindly) Break Up With Someone Via Text
It was beautiful at first. You wake up in the morning with thoughts of your significant other filling your mind. This happiness and joy of being in a new relationship spur you to fix the next date, and the one after that.
But it took a different turn as soon as you got to know each other. While others settle in nicely in their relationship, you drift apart in yours. You don’t see a future where you belong together, but you don’t know how to get that message across. What exactly do you say? How do you say it? It’s an exhausting exercise altogether.
Making the harsh decision to end things can be very confusing if you’re the one making it. Are you planning to do it over text?
Erika Ettin, CEO of A Little Nudge says
I would never recommend breaking up with someone over text. If you're in a relationship with someone, the text is not the appropriate means because it's not a conversation — it's one-sided.
However, Sex Educator, Bianca Laureano, says
I think it depends on the relationship and what's going on. If someone is in a violent or abusive relationship, for example, that's a valid reason to break up over text. Or, if someone has an anxiety disorder and the thought of breaking up in person seems impossible to them, that's also a fair excuse.
If you must break up over text, it is important to convey your message in the kindest way possible. This is a step-by-step on how to guide on breaking up via text in a mature and thoughtful manner that would make moving on easy for the other person.
Think long and hard on why you want to end it
People end a relationship for different reasons. You may discover that your values and interests in life do not align. It could be the simple reason of growing apart, or you don’t enjoy being together. Or maybe you have caught feelings for another or just want to be by yourself.
It is important to ruminate on why you’re ending the relationship. This is an important process because it will goad you to feel and maintain confidence when you finally type that message.
Brittany Bouffard, a psychotherapist in Denver Co. says
Ask yourself why you want to end it: Is there a lack of romantic feelings, do you have limited common ground, are you just not feeling it? Talk these out with trusted friends, journal out both your reasons and the feelings that come up, and consider talking with a therapist if you’re unsure.
Don’t drag it out
The moment you’ve made the tough decision, like Nike boldly proclaims: Just do it. Giving them a little head’s up with a preceding there’s-something-I-need-to-tell-you text is not recommended.
It is better to come directly, instead of making the situation unbearable for the other person before delivering the final blow.
Start off with a compliment; be nice
Remember you’re about to dash someone’s hope of living a future with you in their life. You don’t want to come in hot and scald him in the process. Starting the breakup text with “Hey!” is downright rude.
You don’t want to sound overly complimenting, savage, and/or patronizing either. Beginning your text with “Hey dear.” is very misleading if the succeeding message is to call things off.
Addressing the other person by name (without the exclamation marks) is encouraged. A simple “Hi Tom,” sets the tone for what’s coming next. If you’ve gone out on a couple of dates with them paying for most of the bills, it would make sense to compliment them.
“Thank you for hanging out with me at the movies. I totally enjoyed sharing and swapping Marvel theories with you” sounds a lot better than “You are such a lovely gentleman, but...” Delivering the fatal blow after writing something along the lines of the latter would make you sound like a joke.
Bottom line: treat the person as you would love to be treated in a similar position.
State your reasons for breaking up
After complimenting the other person on the last date, carry out the difficult job of letting them down in a graceful manner. Remember, you have thought long and hard about this. Now isn’t the time for your text to convey a message far from what is intended.
“However, I think we should end it here.”
“That said, I don’t think we are a good match moving forward.”
Make the reason for the split about you and what you want. It is important not to turn the whole affair to blame games. That will only result in a response from the other person, and it will drag on for days. You don’t want that.
Dea Dean, a professional therapist at Ridgeland, MS says
No one can argue with you about your own preferences or feelings; they can argue with you if you are vague or make statements/assumptions about their feelings.
Avoid making cliché statements
While making the reason to break up about your personal preference, you should avoid cliché breakup statements. The “it’s not you, it’s me.” line should not appear on your breakup text, as it is vague and would leave them guessing what went wrong. And this will affect their self-esteem moving forward, as they will continue to second-guess themselves.
Be definitive in your text.
Gently close the door
You have stated your reasons for breaking up, and that’s fine. You are under no obligation to explain why you came to this decision of shutting the door. It will only result in prolonging the other person’s pain of losing you, and there will be no closure in that.
Do not lessen the blow by attempting to leave the door open. Avoid making a statement such as this:
“I’m not mentally prepared to be in a relationship right now.”
“Maybe this could work out in the nearest future.”
“I will send you a message when…”
“I need time to think about us and if we are meant to be.”
Dea Dean also advises against playing soft ball.
A huge mistake is saying something like, ‘I just don’t want to hurt you,’ or even ‘I think you’re looking for something more than I am’. You’re setting yourself up to be met with resistance here. Just say it: ‘I don’t have romantic feelings for you and I wanted to let you know as soon as that became apparent to me.’
Avoid making false promises
At this point in the text, your motives are already clear. You want out and you have made that choice. You don’t want to bow out by making false promises.
Tzlil Hertzberg, a relationship therapist at MyTherapist New York says
We tend to have the instincts to end things on a positive note, making sure the other person is placated in some way. After the conversation, make sure you don't express insincere intentions, like 'staying friends' if you don't mean it.
Whatever decisions you have communicated, it is important to stand firm by them.
Do not hit them up again
Your ex will be hurt after reading your message. There’s no doubt about that. What you shouldn’t do is send a text the next morning asking about how he or she is holding up. That’s you sticking a hot knife into a new wound. And that’s going to hurt more than the wound itself.
The goal here is to let your ex down smoothly, generating less hurt and loathing. It is also to allow them to seek happiness elsewhere. After ending your message on such a final tone, it is crucial to leave it that way.
Some common examples
Here are sample breakup texts to send to the other person depending on different scenarios:
For the person that loves you more than you love them.
“Hi, Greg. Getting to know you has been nice, but the more time I spend with you, I don’t think we are a good match. I wish you the best.”
For the person you are just not interested in after a few dates.
“Hey, Tom. Thanks for the date. However, I don’t think we’re compatible. I wish you the best of luck out there.”
For the person that was particularly rude in-between dates.
You can skip the compliments and go straight to the point. “Hi, Brian. Thanks for Taco Tuesday. But I think we should end it right here. I found your behavior upsetting. I wish you luck out there.”
For the person you are in a serious relationship with.
If you’re in a serious relationship with this person, you shouldn’t break up via text. An afternoon date, or at the very least, a phone call is much better.
Breaking up is tough, even if you’re the one pulling the plug. If you’re going to do it through text, these simple steps will guide you in sending a breakup text that reeks of maturity and kindness.
