10 Signs You’re in a Rebound Relationship
Meeting someone new can flip your world upside down in the best way. But there’s nothing worse than beginning to fall for someone and realizing that a part of their heart is still with their ex. Being in a rebound relationship can be a mess of confusion, bitterness, anger, and sadness for both parties. However, not all rebound relationships spell long term trouble for the couple.
Check out the list below to see if your relationship fits the bill.
1. Your Relationship is Really Public
We all know how exciting the beginning of a new relationship can be. The butterflies before every date, the rush when their name pops up on your phone, the electricity of every touch. These feelings can be so intense that we want to shout them from the rooftops. But if every date with your new beau ends with a shiny new Instagram post complete with #bestdateever and #SOhappy, it might be a red flag.
Seeing your new partner’s social media pages filled with pictures of the two of you can feel flattering. But take a moment to ask yourself: who are they posting these pictures for? And what kind’ve message are they sending? If the posts make your relationship look much better than it actually is, they may be a message to a certain someone.
After a breakup, some former flames choose to remain friends or continue to follow each other on social media. One study suggests that doing so creates uncertainty about the former partner’s intentions or goals when posting on social media. This may lead to continued monitoring of an ex’s page or posting anticipating that they will see it.
2. They Just Broke Up With Their Ex
The question of how long it takes to get over a breakup is as old as time. One thing’s for certain, though: you don’t get over it in a day. If they just broke up with their ex, like, yesterday, there are probably some feelings lingering.
We’ve all been there. A relationship comes to an end and all you want is to be able to stop feeling hurt and the easiest way to put those feelings on hold is to distract yourself with someone new. Or maybe it was a bitter breakup and you just want your ex to realize they made a mistake so you parade around your new partner like a new accessory.
Dr. Mary C. Lamia says,
If you are dating someone who is rebounding, you may wonder if he or she is capable of emotional attachment or if you are, instead, simply a substitute for love that was lost. You may also be concerned that his or her neediness, rather than actual interest or excitement, might determine the connection with you.
Research suggests that gender plays a role in how likely you are to jump into a new relationship right after a breakup. Women tend to break down the breakup with close friends and family to move on after a relationship comes to an end. Men, on the other end, tend to turn to a new relationship to cope instead.
3. Your Relationship is Very Physical
Great sex is not something to complain about. When it comes to casual dating or hookups, it’s pretty much the only thing you need. But when you’re looking for a long term relationship, it’s important that the emotional connection matches the physical one. Conversation is essential to figuring out if this person is the one for you. Deep conversation and sex just don’t mix.
Rebound relationships are notorious for prioritizing getting down and dirty over deep conversation. In fact, it’s evolutionary. Research suggests that after the end of a long term relationship we may feel we lost time on our biological clock and, consciously or not, try to counter that lost time by increasing our mating efforts.
This biological desire may make us less selective about who we have sex with, leading us to select a new partner based more on physical attraction than long term compatibility.
4. They Talk About Their Ex A Lot
Sharing stories and memories is an important part of the beginning of a relationship. But when those stories always seem to revolve around someone who is no longer a part of your partner’s life, it’s natural to wonder where their mind is at.
Discussing long gone relationships is a great way to figure out what to expect out of a relationship with your new person. But there’s a time, a place, and a limit to these discussions. If their ex is starting to feel as familiar to you as your own shadow, it might be time to change the subject.
A breakup can be one of the most distressing events of your life. That distress often translates into intrusive thoughts of an ex-partner. The higher the distress of the breakup, the more often thoughts of an ex-partner appear. Luckily, these thoughts do tend to decrease the further away you get from the breakup. Hopefully, the constant ex chatter is a phase that will soon pass.
5. You Got Real Serious Real Fast
One day you were going about your daily routine and the next you were swept into an intoxicating new relationship that dominated your world. Within weeks they were declaring their love for you and you were devoting every second of your free time to them. You raced through every relationship milestone at warp speed. Talk about whirlwind romance.
Then it all came to a screeching halt and you suddenly find yourself basically living with this person and planning your future together before you’ve even reached your third month together.
After a long term relationship comes to an end, it’s easy to want to fast forward to serious relationship mode where you can resume the routine you had with your ex. However, that beginning “getting to know you” is essential in forming a foundation for a solid relationship. If you feel like you’ve been together for years even though you just met, it might be time to slow your relationship down a bit.
6. You're Getting Mixed Signals
At the beginning of your relationship, your partner showers you with sweet text messages, surprise gifts, and romantic dates. But suddenly, like a flip has been switched, it’s the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. If you feel like you have whiplash from how hot and cold your relationship has become, it might be a sign that they’re not over their ex.
Diving into a new relationship when you still have feelings for your ex can be tough. Every exciting new experience is underlined with a memory of that same experience with your ex. The contrast can bring up a lot of negative feelings, like guilt or bitterness, and make you pull away from your new partner.
These feelings, while understandable, don’t give your partner a free pass to mess with your head. If your new beau is throwing you mixed signals, you may need to sit down and have a conversation about where their head’s at.
7. You Got Real Serious Real Fast They Compare You to Their Ex
“It’s so awesome that you do X, my ex never would have done that.” “Yeah my ex would always do X. It was so annoying, I’m glad you don’t do that.” Comparisons like these can bring up a confusing mess of emotions. On one hand, you feel a strange satisfaction in being better than their ex. You feel desired. You might even feel like you won somehow.
At the same time, you might feel guilty for feeling that way. You may wonder why you spend so much time talking about their ex rather than enjoying your new relationship together. These easily available comparisons may reveal what’s going on inside your new partner’s head. It might be an indication of how often they are thinking of their ex.
Psychiatrist Dr. Carole Lieberman advises,
Whenever you compare the past to the present, it makes your present partner feel diminished and inadequate. Even if you say that your present partner is better in some way than a past partner, your present partner is left to wonder if he or she falls short in other ways.
8. You Don't Really Know Them
They’re talking about you like you’re the one but you don’t even know their middle name yet. Or what their parents are like. Or what they like to do when you’re not around. Who is this person anyway?
The first few weeks or months of a relationship are usually dedicated to the “getting to know you” phase of a relationship. But the intensity of a rebound relationship can often skip straight past the casual dating and into the “serious relationship” phase. This may lead to only questioning how well you know this person once you’re too far in to easily back out.
If you’ve found yourself basically living with a stranger, you might need to take your relationship a few steps backward. Plan out some intimate dates where you can discuss those need-to-know things such as what their future looks like and whether they want to have children. Otherwise you might find yourself with someone who drops a major deal breaker on you five years down the road.
9. Their Ex is Scary Similar to You
Research shows that people tend to be consistent in their selection of partners. This means that your collection of exes may all show some subtle similarities to each other. Some people call this a “type”. Others may argue that we choose people to date who are like us so of course they would also be similar to each other. Either way, your partner’s exes are probably similar to you in some way.
However, if looking at their old pictures together almost feels like looking in a mirror and hearing about them is like hearing about a parallel universe version of you, there might be something more going on here. You deserve better than someone who chose to be with you because you remind them of their ex.
10. This is a Pattern For Them
Breakups suck. There’s no way around it. It’s natural to want to find somewhere to redirect all of that hurt and some people consistently choose to redirect it toward finding a new relationship right away. These people are called “serial monogamists”, meaning they jump from long term relationship to long term relationship without much of a gap in between.
Talk to your partner about their previous relationships and see if you can put your finger on the timeline between one ending and another one beginning. Serial monogamy can sometimes cause relationships to overlap when the monogamist seeks out a new prospect before the relationship has fully come to an end.
Securing your next relationship prior to your current breakup may be a strategic move to ensure you don’t end up alone, but if it happened to their ex, it could happen to you. That’s not a relationship you want to hitch your wagon to.
If several of these sound familiar to you, you are probably in a rebound relationship. However, contrary to what pop culture would have you believe, a rebound relationship doesn’t have to bring your romance to an end. In fact, focusing on someone new can help speed up the breakup recovery process and help your partner detach from their ex.
Social psychologist Dr. Theresa E DiDonato notes,
having less time between a break-up and a new relationship is linked to attachment security—which refers to habits of trusting, comfort with intimacy, and feelings of safety in relationships. Individuals who tend to be emotionally stable were actually more likely to have a shorter amount of time between a relationship’s end and a new one’s beginning.
So don’t fret if their ex seems to be lurking beneath the surface of your relationship. Chances are, this is just part of their closure process and before you know it, the past will be permanently in the past.
