Relationships

10 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

9 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

If you have ever been in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you know how painful and frustrating it can be. Few people understand what causes such emotional unavailability, much less how to reach out to connect.


The emotionally unavailable person rarely realizes the hurt and confusion caused to the very person they want to hurt the least. But they see their emotions as negative or unnecessary and internalize them to the extent that they become unaware of their own feelings or needs beyond the physical.

Most people who need so much safety are afraid of being rejected, abandoned, betrayed, abused, controlled, or losing themselves in a relationship. So they act aloof and removed, and they don’t permit themselves a deep personal investment. Such half-hearted attempts at love keep them safe, but not intimate or connected with someone else.

“Someone who is emotionally unavailable has a hard time receiving love and other deep emotions from others,” says therapist Alyson Cohen, LCSW. It’s tough to understand “the feelings of others, because they can hardly understand their own.” They’re not self-aware about how their aversion to intimacy affects the other person, either.

If you are unsure whether or not you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, here are 9 indicators that they are.

1. They don’t like making plans

“Making future plans is a healthy ingredient for a growing relationship,” says Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure. “It’s also an indicator of the commitment you have to each other.”

If you find that your partner never puts forth the effort to make plans for the two of you or initiate time spent together, you may have a problem.

"If you're [someone] who's always the one making the weekend plans, it might be a sign that you are the one [doing the chasing in the relationship]," says board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Susan Edelman.

In other words, your partner might be taking you and the effort you're putting into the relationship for granted. "When you continue to make all the plans, you are letting your partner take you for granted," Dr. Edelman says. "You can always stop letting them take you for granted. Let them figure out what to do about it. That will tell you where you really stand.”

If you feel like you are putting in lots of effort and your partner is just along for the ride, it might be time to assess what you are getting out of this relationship.

2. They don’t offer genuine feelings of their own

They don’t offer genuine feelings of their own
They don’t offer genuine feelings of their own

This article offers the following insights to whether or not your partner is genuine about their own emotions:

“Pay attention to how someone responds when you share emotions.

Do they express their feelings uniquely? Or do they mirror back what you say with, “I feel the same way”?

Not everyone likes to talk about emotions all the time, but in a relationship, it’s important to connect on an emotional level.

If your partner can’t open up, even when you initiate a conversation and ask direct questions, they may be emotionally unavailable.”

This article reminds us that expressing feelings should be something both partners do. It’s not up to you to try and guess what your partner is feeling at any given point. They should tell you—or at least be able to answer you when you ask about it. You shouldn’t have to go digging just to find out how the person you’re dating feels about you, your relationship, his day, anything.

3. They use humor to deflect

When people are emotionally unavailable, they are not comfortable with intense feelings and will use any tactic available, such as humor, teasing, or joking.

"When something requires a heartfelt response, they'll often use humor or story-telling to deflect the seriousness of what’s happening," says psychotherapist Michelle Farris. They don't react this way because they're insensitive or bad people.

According to Farris, they do this because they usually aren't connected to themselves emotionally. "As a result, it’s difficult for them to acknowledge their own pain," she says. "In a relationship, they don’t recognize other people’s pain and that makes them appear less supportive." It's easier to laugh off a serious topic than deal with the heaviness of it. However, it can make you feel like what you have to say doesn't really matter.

Humor helps you stay resilient in the face of life’s challenges. But there are times when humor is

not healthy—and that’s when it is used as a cover for avoiding, rather than coping with, painful emotions. Laughter can be a disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and disappointment that you don’t want to feel or don’t know how to express.

You can be funny about the truth, but covering up the truth isn’t funny. When you use humor and playfulness as a cover for other emotions, you create confusion and mistrust in your relationships.

4. They play games

They play games
They play games

According to Dr. Eric Berne, the author of Games People Play, the basic reason for game playing in relationships is to acquire something desired. Wanting an emotional or a tangible reward presents a reason to use covert tactics. Some games have become such a part of the personality that the gamer hardly realizes they are involved in a game of psychological cat and mouse.

According to meetmindful.com,

There are a number of reasons people play mind games, but the goal is usually to gain a sense of control or power over another person. The player wants to get a specific response, but instead of telling you what they need or asking for what they want, they try to get their needs met by using manipulative tactics.

It’s all about feeling powerful and in control, but those feelings never last for very long. Any time we try to use someone else to make ourselves feel better, it usually doesn’t end well. It’s almost impossible to create an authentic connection with someone when honest communication is missing from the picture.

5. They don’t respect your time

When you truly respect your partner, that means you also respect their time, and always try to make them a priority when you're making your day-to-day (and future) plans. If your partner seems not to care about making or keeping plans with you, that's a major show of disrespect.

If you are finding that your special someone is spending more time with their friends, this may be a sign that you are no longer a priority,

says Justine Lavelle, dating expert and Chief Communications Officer of online background check platform BeenVerified.com. "Another sign of disrespect is showing up late for dates. This is showing no respect for your time."

Surprising you with flowers on a random Wednesday is a welcome treat; showing up unannounced when you’re clearly busy or have a lot going on is not. If you find your partner repeatedly popping up at inopportune times or at inconvenient places, there’s a problem with not respecting your time.

6. They are defensive

They are defensive
They are defensive

The Couples Healing Center says, “When you try to address your emotional needs/wants, the emotionally unavailable partner comes back with comments such as, “You are just too sensitive,” “It’s all in your head,” “You are too needy,” “You are crazy,” or “You are too emotional.” They are gaslighting you, telling you that everything is your fault and there is nothing wrong with what they are doing.”

Beyond the mental and emotional factors, there are types of behaviors that cause people to respond defensively. Defensive communication expert Jack Gibbs outlines six behavioral categories that create defensive responses in people:

  • Dogmatism – Black and white, I’m right and you’re wrong, either/or, and other kinds of all or nothing thinking and communication cause people to react defensively.
  • Lack of accountability – Shifting blame, making excuses, and rationalizing behavior leads people to raise their defense levels.
  • Controlling/Manipulative – Using all sorts of behaviors to control or manipulate people will lead to defensive behavior. No one likes to feel like they are being used by someone else.
  • Guarded/Withholding Information – When people feel like they are being left in the dark or purposely excluded from having information they should know, they are threatened and will react defensively.
  • Superiority – Want someone to be defensive? Then act like you’re better than him/her, lord your power, knowledge, or position over them and see how they respond.
  • Critical – A constant focus on catching people doing something wrong, rather than right, creates a climate of defensiveness.

7. They are inconsistent

According to this article, you should be cautious of a partner who frequently gives confusing signals, such as texting or seeing you regularly, then disappearing or becoming distant with contact. This may happen after a great date, when you may have felt connected and intimate in some way. An emotionally unavailable partner will struggle with moments of intimacy, and will demonstrate this by distancing from you for periods of time.

You may also feel confused because the relationship starts off on a great note, and your partner seems to be very committed and attracted to you. Then you start to sense subtle changes and distancing. Emotionally unavailable people can be skilled at giving you just enough to keep you interested and holding on for more, but never quite enough to satisfy your need for connection.

If you feel confused by a partner in this way, ask yourself if you feel anxious and hungry for connection more than you feel connected and secure with this person. If so, it’s likely this partner is unavailable.

The Couples Healing Center describes inconsistency as such;

It could feel like a fast forwarding and then a sharp pull away. And it will leave you completely confused. These emotionally unavailable individuals act this way because they are also VERY. And to make things worse, most of the time, they behave in this way unconsciously and not on purpose.

It happens often because they lack insight into their own behavior. Once they reach the intimacy they’ve been craving, now they have to back off and go into their little no-emotion cave to reclaim their “independence” and reach the equilibrium. They want to be with you and have that intimacy and connection but when they have it, they also feel suffocated and they get the urge to run or create distance. So what you see is a lot of “come here, go away” behaviors.

8. They choose physical intimacy over emotional intimacy

They choose physical intimacy over emotional intimacy
They choose physical intimacy over emotional intimacy

If all you have in common is what happens between the sheets it may be hard to achieve the level of intimacy you really desire.

“Hot sex is more than satisfying and can give you a perpetual glow, but it’s not enough to make for a healthy balanced relationship,” says Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure.

Relationship coach Amy Milnes notes,

The relationship will progress to the bedroom very quickly. It will feel like they only want one thing, and that they prefer the thrill of the chase than a committed relationship.

People who have emotional unavailability tendencies believe sex is the only way to have intimacy, and the longer they can keep the relationship as ‘just a physical connection,’ the better. Anything past that is too unfamiliar and uncomfortable for them.

9. They resort to sarcasm

Sarcasm is an easy way for people to share feelings without being confrontational. Buried within many sarcastic remarks is a nugget of truth for the person making the comment.

In Greek, sarcasm means to: Tear at the flesh. If you look in a thesaurus, some of the synonyms for sarcasm are ridicule, put-down, scorning, mocking, sneering and contempt. Rooted psychologically in anger it can be a deadly way of portraying everything wrong in your partner, without taking full responsibility for your words. The reasons sarcasm is so deadly is because, in every sarcastic remark, there are elements of truth within, and usually those truthful comments hit so close to our own insecurities. The person who is able to sling that arrow deepest is the person who is closest to us.

"Remember, it’s not what you say, but how you say it that makes all the difference”, says marriage therapist Christine Wilke. “Contempt often comes in the form of name-calling, snickering, sarcasm, eye-rolling and long heavy sighs. Like a poison, it can erode the trust and safety in your relationship and bring your marriage to a slow death. Your goal is to be heard. You need to present your message in a way that makes this happen without doing damage to the relationship."

10. The Takeaway

The Takeaway
The Takeaway

"A person is emotionally unavailable [if] they withdraw when someone with whom they have some relationship begins to rely, need, and expect them to consistently be physically, psychologically, and spiritually present for them," says Sari Cooper, LCSW. "Emotionally unavailable people have trouble staying attached when a partner, friend, or relative expresses a variety of emotional states like joy, sadness, anxiety, and fear."

In a relationship where one person is emotionally unavailable and the other isn’t, the one who has a ‘normal’ relationship to their feelings might put a lot of the burden on themselves, trying to figure out what is going on with their partner and if it is anything within their own control.

This is incredibly frustrating, isolating, and ultimately unfair to the person who is in touch with their feelings. "When you're with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you can be left feeling lonely most of the time despite spending physical time with them," says Cooper. "Your relationship feels more like a business connection."