How to Have an Emotionally Healthy Divorce

Filing for divorce is never an easy decision. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that your marriage isn’t working. And it takes even more courage to end things for good.

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Unfortunately, the choice to get divorced is just the beginning of your journey. You still have a long road ahead of you, and a lot of healing to do.

While the divorce process can be draining, there are ways to stop it from severely affecting your emotional wellbeing. This will help you to stay happy and healthy in the long-term.

Here are a few tips on how to have an emotionally healthy divorce:

Explore alternatives to litigation

Jennifer Mitchell is the creator of Solace Divorce Mediation, a law practice that uses mediation and life coaching. She’s also the co-author of Stress-Free Divorce.

Mitchell believes that “divorce is a series of choices from start to finish”. It’s important to empower yourself with the knowledge that you have options. Especially seeing as the choices you make could have a powerful impact on how amicable the divorce is.

Choosing to get yourself an attorney is an option, but it’s not the only option. In fact, experts often warn against that route because it could put unnecessary strain on you and your ex.

Mediation is seen as a good alternative to litigation. Mitchell notes that couples who avoid litigation often have more time to focus on self-care and self-love. With the help of a mediator,  divorcées are often able to get through the divorce process in a more peaceful, emotionally healthy way.

Focus on what's in your control

It’s important to take accountability for your choices. But it’s equally important to accept that some things will never be in your control.

You may be able to choose how you want the divorce process to proceed. But you can’t predict how your ex will handle the proceedings. You may be able to choose a new self-care routine. But you can’t predict how long it will take for you to move on.

Vikki Ziegler is an attorney with over 20 years’ experience assisting couples through divorce. She’s also gone through a divorce herself. Her advice is simple: Stop worrying!

Ziegler notes that “you cannot get back the time you wasted worrying about things out of your control”. At some stage, you need to trust that you’ve made the right choices and let things unfold.

Letting go of control could open you up to new possibilities. It might even give you the chance to reinvent yourself.

Try not to get competitive

If you’re getting divorced on bad terms, you might be tempted to try to “win” the divorce. You might be hoping to “beat” your spouse by getting more assets or full custody of your children.

This could be exacerbated by how movies and series portray divorce. We’ve all seen those divorce lawyers on our TV screens. The ones who will do anything to get their client everything they could possibly want. Even if that means leaving the other person with nothing.

In reality, divorce doesn’t work that way. The divorce process is complicated and nuanced, and people seldom feel like they’ve won.

Lina Guillen is a legal editor, author, and trial attorney. She has over 15 years of experience in family law and civil litigation. Guillen gives the example of trying to “win” full custody of your children.

A mother may be granted primary physical custody of the children. But she could also receive a much lower amount of spousal support than requested. Proceedings like this make it virtually impossible to tell the “winner” from the “loser”.

This is why Guillen believes that being competitive is pointless. Turning a divorce into a battle could cost you a lot of money, and take months or even years.

After the dust has settled, you might find that the battle did more harm than good. It could put unnecessary financial and emotional strain on you. It could also cause your children prolonged emotional distress.

Tune in to what your kids need

Dr. Jill P. Weber is a clinical psychologist specialising in anxiety, self-esteem, and relationships. She’s also the author of The Relationship Formula Workbook Series, which includes workbooks on breaking up and divorce, and building self-esteem.

Dr. Weber notes that worrying about your children’s needs is often the most agonising aspect of divorce. You might be experiencing a lot of fear about whether the divorce will emotionally scar your children. And you could be blaming yourself for following through with the divorce in the first place.

Feeling like this could make it hard for you to adjust to divorce. You may be beating yourself up for not being a perfect parent.

It’s important to remember that perfection is unattainable. And children don’t actually need you to be perfect. Dr. Weber believes that you should accept that perfection is impossible, and instead focus on what’s in your grasp.

She says “the single best thing you can do is to emotionally tune in and be empathic”. She recommends that parents directly engage with their kids about divorce by asking them questions.

Acknowledging your children’s feelings will give you a chance to connect with them. It will help you to understand what they’re going through, which will help to ease your concerns.

Don't try to get revenge

There’s no denying that divorce is emotionally painful. You might be feeling resentful because your ex cheated on you. Or you might be feeling blindsided because your ex was the one who filed for divorce.

These emotions might lead you to feel as if you want justice. Because your ex hurt you, you may want to find a way to hurt him back.

Jacqueline Newman is a matrimonial lawyer. She offers legal help with alimony, child support, custody, and divorce law in New York. Newman says that people often enter divorce proceedings hoping to have their "day in court".

They may try to get revenge by presenting photos or screenshots of texts as proof that their ex cheated. In some cases, people may even go as far as to hire a private investigator.

You may feel as if you have valid ways to incriminate your ex. But the reality is that courts don’t often find that information relevant.

According to Newman,

This makes seeking revenge pointless. Compiling evidence against your ex is often time-consuming and emotionally draining. In some cases, it may even become very expensive.

You might find that you put a lot of effort into being vengeful, and it doesn’t end up being as satisfying as you’d hoped.

Don’t dwell on your mistakes

Getting married is a huge milestone. People often see it as one of the most important life choices. After all, you’re picking a partner “‘till death do us part”.

When marriages don’t work out, people often feel that they chose the wrong person to marry. They may start to dwell on their choices. They may even start to feel like they missed the “signs” that their ex wasn’t right for them.

Dr. Rami Kaminski is a psychiatrist with more than 25 years’ experience working with divorcing women. He says that women often feel haunted by the sense that they have bad taste.

When you’re in the process of divorce, you may start second-guessing whether you’re capable of finding love. This will make it tough for you to build trusting relationships in the future. If you can’t trust your own judgement, it’ll be difficult for you to trust a new partner.

Dr. Kaminski also notes that dwelling on mistakes can seriously affect your self-esteem. If your inner-dialogue is always negative, you might start to lose confidence in yourself.

Grieve for what you've lost

“Grief” can feel like a loaded word. You might associate it with long periods of sadness and loneliness. But Dr. Weber notes that grieving doesn’t have to involve moping.

She says that “healthy grieving doesn’t mean you have to sit around and cry all of the time, alone, in a dark room”. Instead, Dr. Webber encourages people going through a divorce to recognise the stages of grief. This could help you to acknowledge that you’re going through a healing process.

The stages of grief include denial, which is a feeling that divorce can’t be happening to you. You may also have a stage where you feel angry and like you don’t deserve to be in this position. Another common stage of grief is depression, where you feel like you don’t know what makes life worth living.

Eventually, Dr. Webber believes that people reach the final stage, acceptance. This is like the light at the end of the tunnel. Divorcées start to feel a sense of peace. They feel as if they can be happy again despite the loss.

Giving yourself time to grieve will help you to become more self-aware. You’ll be able to process your emotions, instead of bottling them up.

Don't neglect your self-care routine

Dr. Kristen Davin is a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City. She believes that it’s important to take care of yourself during the divorce process.

Getting a divorce can be emotionally and physically draining. The stress of divorce may make you forget to maintain healthy habits. You may be feeling too overwhelmed to remember to eat healthily or get enough sleep.

Dr. Davin suggests that people going through a divorce should create or maintain a self-care routine. This includes making time to exercise and relax. You might even want to try some mindfulness activities like meditating or journaling.

Apart from the obvious benefits of being physically healthier, creating a self-care routine could also give you a sense of structure. This might help you to live in the moment, instead of dwelling on your negative thoughts.

Don't throw yourself back into the dating game

When you’re going through a divorce, you may start to look forward to your fresh start. After a difficult marriage, it can be exciting to think about dating again.

Your friends and family may also be pushing you to get back into the dating scene. Usually, they mean well. They want to see you happy again and think that dating may boost your confidence.

Whether you’re pressuring yourself or the pressure’s coming from your friends, experts warn against rushing into something new.

It’s important to take some time to get over your ex. Giving yourself time to heal takes patience. But it’s a way to prioritise your emotional wellbeing before opening up to a new relationship.

Dr. Nikki Martinez is a licensed psychologist and life coach. She notes that moving on is not always as cut and dry as it seems.

A lot of people think they’re ready to date because they don’t love their ex anymore. But Dr. Martinez says that

When you're ready to move on, avoid these common dating pitfalls

Once you’ve gotten over your ex, dating can be a great way to meet new people and boost your self-confidence. But those looking for love again might want to bear in mind that there are a few common mistakes that divorcées make.

Behavioural psychologist Jo Hemmings believes that there are certain pitfalls of dating after divorce.

These pitfalls include looking for a partner who physically looks like your ex or has a similar character. On the other hand, sometimes people will choose a partner who’s the complete opposite of their ex. They do this as a sort of “insurance policy”. They’re scared that history will repeat itself, so they avoid all similarities when dating someone new.

The problem with these pitfalls is they place too much emphasis on the past, and not enough on the future. It’s important to remember not to let your past shape your future to the extent that it affects who you date.

Find people to lean on

Dr. Frances Walfish is a leading couple and family psychotherapist. She notes that “being divorced isn’t something to be ashamed of, but it does mean you’ve got some things to work through”.

This is why Dr. Walfish recommends that people going through a divorce should find a healthy support system. This could include leaning on your friends and family, finding a support group, or seeing a therapist.

Finding people to talk to will help you to work through all your negative feelings. It might also help you to ensure that your next relationship is built on a solid, healthy foundation.

The bottom line

There are ways to look after your emotional health throughout every part of the divorce process. During the divorce itself, some experts suggest steering away from litigation in favour of using mediation.

It’s also best to avoid seeing your divorce as a competition, or trying to use divorce to get revenge. Turning your divorce into a battle could end up being emotionally and financially draining.

In the aftermath of your divorce, empathising with your children may ease some of your worries. It might also be beneficial to grieve for what you’ve lost, focus on self-care and try let go of your mistakes.

Once the dust has settled, it might be tempting to start dating straight away. But experts caution against dating until you’re completely over your ex.

Lastly, you might find that you need love and support, even years after your divorce has been settled. That’s why it could be a good idea to find a support group or see a professional therapist.

What other tips do you have for having an emotionally healthy divorce? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.