Relationships

After You Break Up & Get Back Together, Here’s What Changes In A Relationship

After You Break Up & Get Back Together, Here's What Changes In A Relationship

People break up and get back together all the time. Deciding to rekindle things with your ex can be tough, but the hardest part comes after the reconciliation.


While you might be excited about your second chance together, how do you build a relationship that’s stronger than it was before?

How do you avoid repeating the same mistakes that caused you to break up in the first place?

People rekindle relationships for many reasons. It may be tempting to get right back to what is comfortable and familiar, but you don’t want to end up where you were before—split up—so it’s going to take some serious time, patience, and changes. 

Here are six changes that will make your relationship stronger once you are back together with your ex. 

You’ll Both Be Less Naive

You’ll Both Be Less Naive
You’ll Both Be Less Naive

If you've decided to give it a second try, you're not going to be the same person that you were before,

notes relationship expert Susan Winter. But this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Sometimes, dealing with pain instead of running from it is the only way to break through the issues that caused your relationship to deteriorate in the first place.

"Regaining trust and reestablishing relationship momentum will become a day-by-day process for your both," she continues. Each day can and will present the perfect opportunity for you both to reconnect and get things back on track.

Your relationship will never be the same after you break up. But if you're doing it right, that's a move in the right direction.

"If two people return to each other with a new perspective on themselves and why they need to be back together, their relationship won’t be the same," breakup coach Chelsea Leigh Trescott said. "But that’s the point. It shouldn’t be the same relationship. It should be a stronger, greater, more sincere love than the last time around."

You’ll Need to Improve Communication

“Much of relationship breakdown stems from inability to process conflict in a safe and connected way. Learn how to have safe conversations that help you express yourselves in a connected way. Not only will you stop problems from festering, you’ll address them more effectively,” says professional counselor and relationship therapist, Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin

“If you weren’t a good listener before, be one now. Or, if you kept everything bottled up before, make sure to express when things are bothering you”, adds Slatkin.

"Better and more open communication, honesty, and a more collaborative approach to solving conflicts" are all things that should improve on the second time around, notes dating expert and relationship writer Demetrius Figueroa.

If two people return to each other with a new perspective on themselves and why they need to be back together, their relationship won’t be the same,

says Figueroa, "because your relationship wouldn't have ended in the first place if things were perfect."

For example, this might mean, instead of biting your tongue if and when your partner starts slipping into old habits, you speak up in the moment and let them know how you feel, rather than letting your resentment build up like you did before.

You’ll Need to Examine What Went Wrong In The First Place

You’ll Need to Examine What Went Wrong In The First Place
You’ll Need to Examine What Went Wrong In The First Place

“If you want to make your relationship stronger after you get your ex back, you’ll want to understand how your relationship fell apart in the first place,” says Slatkin. “Without this understanding, you’re likely to return to the same patterns. So learn some of the root causes of your prior strife, and work on them together.”

How to successfully get back together after a breakup demands that you take inventory of the old. You and your partner need to do a thorough analysis of your past relationship.

Remember, this is a new relationship (but a second chance) and you should work at it so it doesn’t become like the previous one. You wouldn’t want to get hurt again, neither will you want to walk away from your partner because they have not changed.

Lovecatalogue.com suggests considering the following to prepare for your new chapter together.

  • Think about what you want from this new relationship.
  • What problems did you encounter?
  • Does your mate feel the same way about starting over or does the decision to come together seem to be a forced one?
  • Are you both willing to reunite and make this work?
  • Have you healed from the breakup?
  • When you replay scenes from the heartbreak, do you still feel some form of anger?
  • Are you sure you are not getting back for revenge?
  • Are you coming back because you are lonely or you feel mending fences will make this work?

Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist Weena Cullins says,  

Take time to reflect on what you contributed to the relationship the first time around; the good, the bad, and the ugly parts. It’s true that if you don’t learn from history it’s bound to repeat itself. 

Couples who get back together successfully own their past mistakes, reflect on what factors contributed to their unhealthy attitudes or behaviors, and resolve to move forward in a healthier direction the next time around.

Cullins adds, “This may mean learning how to be less selfish, not cheating, improving your communication style, or even being more adventurous. Getting back together without making real lasting changes will lead to another breakup, and the next one may be worse than the previous one.”

Exes can easily become sources of desire. But you need to take the time to analyze if you should actually act on those feelings and reunite for the right reasons.

In a 2012 study, Kansas State University researchers found that “cyclical relationships are quite prevalent,” especially for younger adults.

But those on-again-off-again couples were less happy with their partners, had lower self-esteem and also had poorer communication with each other.

The researchers believe that's because these people are “more impulsive about major relationship transitions” and aren’t actually fully committed to their decisions. They're caught in a cycle of unhappiness. The researchers recommended erring on the side of not getting back together if this is the case.

The Past Will Have to Stay in the Past

The Past Will Have to Stay in the Past
The Past Will Have to Stay in the Past

The old adage of ‘keeping my side of the street clean’ is helpful when wanting to address and correct a broken relationship. Focus on what you’re responsible for,

says licensed marriage and family therapist, Steven Reigns. A big part of making a relationship stronger the second time around is not holding grudges and being able to forgive past mistakes.

When getting back together with an ex, you need to do everything you can to separate fact from fiction and the past from the present. Ask yourself if some of the beliefs you have about this person are based on the behavior and statements they're making to you now, versus who they were when you initially started dating and things were good.

“Let's say your ex cheated on you, physically or emotionally. You have to be truly willing to give them another chance, says Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating. “Otherwise you'll end up crucifying them for the past every time you get upset.”

"It's perfectly normal and okay to have old wounds, but you need to be able to talk about them calmly and respectfully together to avoid an unhealthy cycle of criticism," Dr. Chloe explains. “Keep in mind that forgiveness is a process, and if you're struggling to move forward with it while being with your ex, you may want to hold off for a bit.”

A breakup can cause some majorly hurt feelings. Whether your ex did something totally uncool or there were just a lot of little things that transpired, it can bring out the worst in us. But if you want to get back with your ex, it means giving each other a clean slate. If you hold their past grievances against them, it’s just prolonging another painful end. Getting back together means starting anew.

You’ll Need to Change Yourself

You’ll Need to Change Yourself
You’ll Need to Change Yourself

Many people stay in bad relationships with the desire to change their partner. In Marriage Rules, Dr. Harriet Lerner writes, “If you don’t change your part in a stuck pattern, no change will occur. Change comes from the bottom up: that is from the person who is in the most pain, or who has the least power, or who has lost or compromised too much in the relationship.”

Psychology Today offers 7 suggestions for being your best self in a relationship: 

Get more sleep

Taking care of yourself is a win-win for you and your relationship, and sleep is at the top of the list. Not only can sleep deprivation affect your energy, mental alertness, and mood, but it reduces glucose levels, which adversely affects self-control.

Take action

Certain behaviors make a difference in relationship happiness. These maintenance behaviors often come naturally, but intentional efforts to engage in them could benefit relationships. These seven behaviors predict relationship satisfaction, liking, love, and commitment:

Positivity

Express happiness and pleasure when spending time together.

Understanding

Listen, forgive, apologize, and refrain from judgment.

Giving assurance

Talk about the future; remind your partner what he/she means to you.

Self-disclosing

Share feelings and encourage your partner to do the same.

Openness

Share what you need or want in the relationship.

Sharing tasks

Equitably share responsibilities (e.g., family, household, relationship).

Involve networks

Spend time with your partner’s friends and family.

Express your gratitude

Feeling grateful is one thing, but telling your partner is another. Do you express your gratitude? It turns out that sharing your feelings of gratitude is linked to positive partner perceptions and a willingness to voice relationship concerns, which helps maintain healthy relationships.

Avoid hunger

New plans for physical health and wellness often involve diet changes (eat more veggies, etc.), but do what you can to avoid hunger. New evidence suggests that restrictive dieting can have a negative effect on relationship quality. When you’re hungry, anger and aggression are more likely in relationships.

Focus on humility

Help your relationship by keeping a check on your ego. Not only are humble people evaluated more positively as potential relationship partners, but humility seems to be an important ingredient for relationship success. It may improve relationships through its association with forgiveness, a powerful tool for healthy relationships.

Spend quality time together

Much anecdotal evidence suggests that spending more time together increases relationship satisfaction, but only recently has research scrutinized whether time really does increase satisfaction, or whether perhaps relationship satisfaction increases time spent together. Contrary to widespread belief, long-distance relationships are no different in their relationship quality, despite the idea that (by definition) couples in long-distance relationships spend less time together. The results suggest we might attend more to the quality of the time spent with our partner, rather than the quantity.

Be kind to yourself

To be the best partner you can be, start by being kind to yourself. Scientific evidence is accumulating in support of the idea that self-compassion is a wonderful foundation for a healthy partnership. Self-compassion is a habit of gentleness towards oneself during times of failure, inadequacy, and imperfection. Evidence shows that self-compassion predicts the types of behaviors that translate into healthier relationships, such as offering care and concern for a partner. Working on ourselves can benefit our relationships.

There is a saying to be the change you wish to see in the world. Gandhi advises us, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.” I believe this to be true in relationships as well.

Instead of trying to change your partner, be the change you wish to see in your relationship.

Take Time to Get to Know Each Other Again

Take Time to Get to Know Each Other Again
Take Time to Get to Know Each Other Again

Even if it hasn’t been that long, your ex may have changed some and you may have too. There could’ve been other relationships in between or big life events like deaths, kids, home purchases, etc. 

“Don’t assume you know everything about them. If you treat the relationship like you’re picking up where you left off previously, you’re probably going to be headed down the road to a breakup again in the future,” says Justin Lavelle, COO and relationship writer for PeopleLooker.

It’s often necessary to make a few changes after a breakup in order to reinvent the relationship. Don’t be afraid to shake things up and share new experiences with your partner. By having fun and enjoying some quality time together, you’ll see what made your relationship special to begin with.

Takeaway 

It’s easy to think that once you’ve gotten back together, everything is wonderful and you can get back to your normal relationship. 

But the important thing to remember about rekindling an old relationship is that your “old normal” wasn’t working before. Therefore, you don’t WANT to return to normal. 

Addressing the issues of the past and acknowledging that the relationship needs to be better will help you create a stronger relationship for the future.

Take time to appreciate the real reasons you want to reunite, consider what went wrong to begin with, take ownership for improving yourself rather than changing your partner, and get ready for a new and improved relationship!